Feeling pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Feeling pain
29
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 7:01am

Hi,
I'm divorcing my verbally/emotionally abusive H. I feel a lot of sadness in this regard. He was my best friend and my partner. There were good times in between the bad.But he says he can't change and I feel I have no other alternative than to do what's best for me and my toddler. I suppose I will miss his compainionship some and I have a fear about going out on my own. I don't have a lot of friends or family and it will be hard.

How do you get over losing your best friend, your partner? How do you get over losing the dream of what could have or should have been? It's just so hard. I feel so sad.I hope I can do this.
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: 12midnite
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 9:37am

it is really difficult, isn't it? i'm sure that like me you would give anything to wake up one morning and not have it be the first thing you think of. to go to bed at night and not have it the last thing on your mind so your dreams are consumed by it too. to not spend the hours in the day trying to keep busy so that the thoughts don't go there too. i would be afraid to live with a man who had tendencies to get mean. but i also know how you feel about not having him there. i think that the uncertainties of what is in store for us and the fact that we thought we had it all and now we don't is just unbearable at times. i wish i could just run as fast and as hard as i could and not have to or want to look back. wanna go along???? LOL.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: 12midnite
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 1:57pm

you wrote:
i think that the uncertainties of what is in store for us and the fact that we thought we had it all and now we don't is just unbearable at times. i wish i could just run as fast and as hard as i could and not have to or want to look back.

i'd love to run away from it all too. It's so hard to leave someone who is so much a part of your life. I thought it would be easier than this, but what a struggle.
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: 12midnite
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 3:23pm

i think about "running" a lot. but than i think how long would it be before it would all just catch up with me again? guess that old saying that you can't run from your troubles is true, huh? you sound like you really care for your husband. i still love my ex hugely. i talk with him and just want to tell him that it's all okay and please come home. how long has this been going on for you? i feel badly for you. i am sorry that anyone has to go through this stuff. it's just not fair.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: 12midnite
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 3:33pm
Robin,
I do love him but he has acted like a moron and hasn't treated me like he should have.There have been some problems off and on for a few years, but the divorce did come on rather sudden. Six months ago I really didn't think I would be headed for divorce. But we went to counseling and the more I thought about things the more hopeless they seemed. H was my first love so there is a certain attachment. It will be hard letting go of this phase of my life, as it is for everyone i suppose. It sucks but we're all in the same boat together. Let's hope it gets easier!
Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: 12midnite
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:21pm

Kelly- i know it will get easier. the saying that comes to my mind is- if the Lord leads you to it, He will lead you through it. does your husband act like he wants to come back and than turns on you? i think my x went through a mid-life crisis. i have had people tell me that they believe he knows he made a mistake but can't figure out how to get back. he tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. i wish he knew that not having him is what hurts the most. he was my first love too. i knew from the minute i saw him that we were going to be together. i wish i could of seen the other side of the page so i could of worked harder on helping him with what ails him now. he is a truck driver which doesn't really help the situation. he was home about one day a week, on a good week. i sometimes wonder if he had too much time on his hands driving that truck. i wonder about so many things. do you think we will ever get answers that will help us to understand?

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
In reply to: 12midnite
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:40pm
You are absolutely doing the right thing, never doubt it for a minute! My STBX is verbally abusive as well. I knew on my wedding night that I'd made a mistake but went on and here I am 18 years and three children later finally making my move to a better life. It is by far the most difficult thing I've done and there are ups and downs to each day but I try to keep my eye on the "prize", which is a calmer more peaceful life ahead for me and my children. You can do it, you will do it and you'll never regret it. Best of luck to you my dear. ~ Stacey ~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: 12midnite
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:42am

Robin,
My H acts like he doesn't want the divorce, but his actions say otherwise. I think he would like the convenience of a wife at home and still be able to do whatever he wants. He's not really trying to lure me back or anything. He just tries to make me feel guilty for getting a divorce and making it clear that I'm the one who wants it. I think he's looking for someone to blame.

I guess we won't have all the answers, but in time we should get a clearer perspective on things.
Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: 12midnite
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:44am
Stacey,
Thanks for your support.I know I need to quit second-guessing myself but I continue to do so.I get so angry at myself about the divorce. I question whether there was enough abuse, whether i should just put up with it. But I have been feeling depressed in this marriage for awhile. It does take a toll on your self esteem
Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: 12midnite
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:16am

Kelly-

I think you are making the right choice by divorcing your H since there is abuse. You can't take the chance with behavior like that from him that something really bad wouldn't happen to you or to your baby. Hang in there and just know that there is a better life for you with someone who will truly care about you and not hurt you in any way. Staying longer will just make the trip back from a bad relationship that much harder. How long have you been married to him?

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
In reply to: 12midnite
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:40am

You wrote:
Staying longer will just make the trip back from a bad relationship that much harder.

I fear that may be the case as well. It's hard enough as it is with 13 years together.