Feeling pain
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Feeling pain
| Mon, 08-21-2006 - 7:01am |
Hi,
I'm divorcing my verbally/emotionally abusive H. I feel a lot of sadness in this regard. He was my best friend and my partner. There were good times in between the bad.But he says he can't change and I feel I have no other alternative than to do what's best for me and my toddler. I suppose I will miss his compainionship some and I have a fear about going out on my own. I don't have a lot of friends or family and it will be hard.
How do you get over losing your best friend, your partner? How do you get over losing the dream of what could have or should have been? It's just so hard. I feel so sad.I hope I can do this.
Kelly

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Kelly-
13 yrs is a long time. when i think about the good and the bad times that our marriage went through, the good times are what stand out. i get angry when i think that my x wouldn't give our relationship a chance to heal. we were together for 23 yrs and have known each other for 25yrs. that is more than half my life that i have had him in my life. people don't understand why you can't just let go and move on. unless you actually go through it, i don't think anyone can realize the pain that come with divorce. there have been times that i wished i was dead. it is just really hard to explain, isn't it? the worst is wanting someone and not being able to reach out far enough to grab them. i believe my x would come back if he knew how. i only wish i could help him get here. has your H talked about seeking professional help for his anger? the sad thing for him is that his life and relationships, should he have one, will turn out just as his present one with you has unless he does get some help. for him this roller coaster ride will be never ending. that's another sad fact to think about.
Robin
Wow that's a really long time to be together. You must be really hurting. There is just so much sadness with everything. I don't think my H will ever change. He's just not that motivated. There may be hope for yours. What led to your breakup if you don't mind me asking?
Kelly
Kelly-
my story goes like this: my x, kenny, who is a long-haul truck driver, has been driving semi for many years. a couple of years ago he got a run that took him every week out west. since he did the same run each week he was able to establish friendships with the people he saw out west each week. he had guy friends, girl friends too. one of the girl friends tried to get into his pants (this i was not aware of until the divorce was in place) but when she figured out she wasn't going to get anywhere she put her cousin into the act of trying to get him. kenny says that this girl wasn't in the picture until after i had moved out of our house, i don't know for sure...she was very young, legal age, but very young. anyway, when i found out that kenny was out doing some bar hopping and hanging out when he was out there i confronted him and i will admit, i wasn't nice about it. i told him when he came home we needed to get some s*** figured out. well, before he got home he called me and told me that he was tired of all the "issues" and that he wanted a divorce. mind you...he is a truck driver. home one day a week. i handled all the household issues, worked 40hrs a week and took responsiblity of our girls and all their activities. he said he had "issues!" i think he liked the life that played out in the west when he was there, the attention he got when he was there, and not having to answer to anyone when he was there. or so he thought. a mid-life crisis and a girl who knew how to stroke his ego and make him feel better. our marriage wasn't perfect. but i will say that i truly tried to make his life as easy as i could when he did come home. he said that we always had fights about finances...well, sometimes dealing with everything as one person gets to ya and you need some input from the person who is suppose to be your partner in all aspects of a marriage. he figured if he made the money the rest was of financial end of things was my responsiblity. no problem with me if....he wouldn't of spent the $$ without knowing how much we had. these issues to me were what married people deal with. i just don't think he wanted to be bothered. he told me once that he felt like a paycheck. the only person who can make anyone feel a certain way is yourself, right? the sad thing is....that is what he's become. i don't want it this way. i would go back and work even harder at our relationship if he said he'd come back. i will wait, but i don't know for how long. the other girl is gone. he figured out that she was just "stroking" him and that she wanted a sugar daddy. made me sad for him that he had to go through another failed relationship because he won't face the reality of his life. he left the best thing he will ever have and until he fixes what his issues are his life is destined to be a roller coaster ride too. i feel so bad for him! i just want to scream at him WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!! sorry, i didn't mean to carry on, but ya know how sometimes you get started and it just rolls out. that's my story in a nut shell. can i ask about you?
Robin
Robin,
It really does sound like he messed up his life.I don't know how these guys can just throw everything away because they want their freedom or whatever.You hear stories all the time of guys who throw their lives away - tired of being husbands and fathers.I think they want the excitement of something new in their lives.
That's part of the deal with my H too.When we started talking divorce he got it in his head that he would like to date around.A couple of years back I caught him trying to do some online dating.He says he never acted on it and I don't believe he did but I know at some level that is what he was looking for.
We were in counseling because there were general problems in the relationship.I had been unhappy for awhile, but I didn't really think it was a problem with the marriage.I thought maybe it was something else.He doesn't offer much emotional support or comfort to me. We're just not on the same page anymore. He never really tried very hard in counseling to work through our problems.He agreed he wanted a divorce but then backpedaled and said he didn't.His actions suggest otherwise.Instead of trying not to get me to divorce him, he's already talking to women online.It's kind of insulting to think you can be replaced so easily.And there has been so much crap he has said through the years.And when he gets mad he yells and throws things.i don't like him intimidating me.
anyway, it's all still really hard - as you know.
Kelly
Wow, it is amazing how people don't know what they have and take it for granted. I'm the same way too - had been trying to make his life easier and he travels a lot too, leaving me with DD and the dogs. Yet, I work more than 40 hours a week now and take care of stuff and, granted, I'm not the best housekeeper and get distracted a lot, but he makes me feel so low for not even putting dishes away correctly or stacking DD's books "right." I finally realized that I don't need to hear such crap from him.
Do you wonder what happened to the person you married? I swear I didn't see this coming, but of course hindsight is always 20/20. He now seems to get a sick satisfaction out of making me (and others) feel bad so he can feel good, just like his mom does. I don't understand it at all - I get enjoyment out of making others feel good about themselves (not like I'm a saint or anything, but I want people to be happy). If he wants a house that's spotless without him having to do anything, he can get his own place and a maid for all I care. He grew up that way - mom did everything for them except show emotion, and I can't believe some of the belittling stuff she's said to him, HER SON!!!
I'm so done with dealing with his attitude. He can drop the f-bomb and s-bomb in front of DD, but if I so as much mutter "dumb@ss" under my breath with DD nearby, he throws a fit. He's such a lying cheating hypocrite nowadays that I seem to have so much anger towards. People who know me would be shocked, because I'm one of the most laid back, accepting and easy going people on the planet!! That tells me right there I need to get out, along with the strong possibility that DD's bruises on her arm were his doing, grabbing her too roughly once. What a spineless jerk, make me miserable because he doesn't want to be married (I can go on and on how I see that now, but I'll spare you) but wants me to do his dirty work.
I'm sorry to hear it's finally come to this for you, but like everyone you'll meet on this board, we can all feel your pain.
I am divorcing my STBX after 17 years of emotional/physical/verbal abuse which ultimately ended it with an affair with my best friend. We have two children. It was the hardest decision I EVER MADE IN MY LIFE, and our divorce won't even be final until October sometime. But, since he has been gone, I have never felt so good about myself or so peaceful. There are no more hurtful words, hurtful hands or sadness. I have found peace. It may have taken me a long time to find it, but I have found it non-the-less.
Surviving for me is tough. Some days are good, some days are bad, I'm either very mad or sad or just want to be alone. But I try not to look back. The man I married is not the same man as he was then, he turned into a monster and I lost the real "me" in the process.
This board is a big help for me and likewise, I have seen suggestions from others here such as church, support groups, etc. YOU WILL BE OKAY! I feel as if I can survive, anyone can.
Keep us posted and please feel free to email anytime if you want to talk.
Take care,
Jennifer in CT
Jennifer
Proud Mom of Travis (15) and Mandi (10)
and our pets, Sully the Dog and Till
the thing is is that they don't have any idea sometimes what they want but in the process of trying to figure it out they hurt so many people. my situation is hugely different from yours, so in my heart i could very easily forgive kenny for what has happened. i already have. i think that he is having a hard time forgiving himself and that could make all the difference in the world for a chance to restart our relationship. i worry about that and about waiting for him and something that may never be again. i worry about being by myself after my girls are gone. it's not that i need someone to grow old with but boy i sure do want someone in my life for those years. i try not to focus on that issue and i am trying to get "happy" with being single. it's not easy though, but you know that too. i am sure i have a few years on you but that could very easily be a concern of anyone. the dreams are gone. then there is the fear of letting someone else into your heart and wondering what guarantees there are there. RIGHT!!!! i would rather be dead than go through this hell with anyone else, ever!!!!
robin
Just taking it day by day.
Kelly
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