Feeling pushed into a corner

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2014
Feeling pushed into a corner
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 3:34am

Without going into too much detail, 5 weeks ago I found out my husband was doing things he shouldn't be doing on the internet, also implicating me in this without my knowledge.  When I showed him the evidence he admitted to it but didn't think it was that big a deal and certainly wasn't a marriage breaker.  However, just under 2 years ago I had found something else out that he had been up to on the intenet, a lot milder.  He apologised, said it was the first time he had ever done anything like this and would never do it again.  I forgave him and since the incident 2 years ago we bought a bigger house with a much bigger mortgage.  He is the main breadwinner and I work a few hours a week to work around our 2 young children who are school age.

My husband is very remorseful, has moved into his parents at my request and last week we tried to work things out but I just don't feel the same about him and know in my heart that I never will again.  I feel like I don't know him.

Yesterday after a bit more snooping I found out that he has an e-mail account I never knew about and when I googled it he had suggested to a woman that they meet up for sex.

Bearing in mind this only happened 5 weeks ago,  he is already telling me that I need to go find a full time job and the house needs to go on the market as soon as possible.  I don't expect to stay in the house forever but my emotions are all over the place.  I know I don't want to be with him anymore and am applying for jobs but feel like I am going to burst into tears at an interview - everything is changing so rapidly and I am struggling to cope although I know I have to for the sake of our children.

Any advice would be appreciated.  Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 9:57am

I do feel sorry for your situation.  If your DH is talking about selling the house, it appears that he doesn't want to try to save the marriage.  Unfortunately trying to get a job should be a high priority right now.  But you should also consult with a divorce lawyer to find out your rights.  If your DH will not fight about you having custody then you need to find out how much child support he is going to pay.  That would give you an indication of how much money you'll have to earn.  Also find out if you'll be eligible for alimony--it might only be for a few years but it would help.  Don't let him rush you to put the house up for sale.  Even if he filed for divorce right away it would take quite a while for the case to be final so you would have time.  There's no sense trying to sell the house until you have worked out the details of what he is paying--and you should have a job first too.  Make sure that before you sell the house you have a written agreement that you are going to split the money.

My 1st DH decided he wanted to get a divorce when our kids were 7 & 1--not good timing at all because I had cut down on work after the 2nd child was born.  Luckily I had a career but it was a struggle.  I stayed in the house but it was very hard financially at times.  I might have been better off selling it but I don't know if apartments would have been any cheaper where I live.  

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 11:00am

ASAP, print out EVERY financial record you can get your hands on, as well as all of the internet improprieties.  What I have found is that after a certain amount of time, your stbx will most likely try to bully you into getting as little as possible.  Additionally, interview a few lawyers (the initial interview is free, and you may want to ask someone in your network for some referrals), and hire one ASAP so that you know what your rights are.  While your divorce is being negotiated, your lawyer can get a court order for your stbx to pay you child support, as well as the bills (alimony) since you have been a stay at home mom.

At this point, I would listen to the lawyer and not your stbx.  He has a conflict of interest, here, and given that he has been with other women for quite some time (or so it seems,) he has no loyalty to you anyways.  My two cents.  Take it for what it's worth.  My divorce was final 9 years ago, and my ex continues to argue in the court system, always trying to get more money from me.  :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 11:42am

Very good advice from the previous two posters.  An attorney, and someone who has been thru a divorce.  Right now, you need to get yourself together, because you're heading toward a divorce, which is NOT the end of the world.  It is the end of a marriage.  As the others have told you, you NEED to find a job ASAP, even if it's not your "ideal" job......anything at all will help financially until he is ordered to pay you some sort of support.  Do not let him put the house on the market YET.  Find a good lawyer, and follow the advice you're given.  You have children, you need to stay positive and pro-active for their sake, if not your own.  Instead of worrying about the marriage ending, concemtrate on a new and happy life ahead.  Life is what you make it, and if you allow yourself to cry, it will be sad.  If you hold your head up high, and prove to yourself that you can do what you have to do, life will suddenly become a lot easier, AND happier, and you have to keep it happy for your children.  Do not turn them against their father, allow him visitations, and get on with your life.  It's just a bump in the road, maybe a major bump, but nevertheless, one that has to be gotten over, and you have a choice,  make it hard, or make it easy!  It's up to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2014
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 12:18am

It's really heartbreaking that you have to pass through this phase and the news you got via email is way more depressing. I suggest you to talk about this openly to him and let him confess. At last only both of you can come up with the final solution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2014
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 12:32pm

This is such an unfortunate situation and I empathize with your pain. My ex-wife had cheated on me and I have never been the same. In this age of social media, these forms of indiscretions are becoming far too common place. My advice would be firstly to get in contact with a lawyer and set a game plan from now. Secondly, I'd advise you to sit down with your spouse and have an honest conversation. If nothing else, having all the cards on the table may provide a little closure. These things often come so rapidly, but must be dealt with immediately in order to avoid further turmoil down the road. All the best to you and stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2014
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 8:30am

Thank you all for your comments.  I have appointed a lawyer and the ball is rolling allbeit slowly.  Fortunately money has not been taken away as yet.  Since seeing his solicitor my husband is now going down the route of wanting to see the children as much as 50:50 which is almost impossible as his job will not allow this.  The children have even commented that they see more of their Dad now than when he lived here!  I am applying for jobs but so far no luck :(

I feel angry now.  I have since found out more information via the internet but am keeping this to myself.  There is no point in sitting down and confronting him as he just lies and I never get any information out of him - it would be easier to get blood out of a stone!  Am trying to stay strong but it's tough.