Feeling really depressed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Feeling really depressed...
3
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 4:57pm

Had it out with H, Sat night going into Sun. He went out for ciggs and when he was gone for over an hour and did not answer his texts or phone I started to worry. So after mifnight I drove down by 7-11, he was in the parking lot on his phone. I went looking for him as 1. we live in a rural area where there are many deer (I hit one the year we moved her 3 yrs ago) and 2. our sone was in a bad accident 2 years ago and my H is often sleep deprived.

He picks on me endlessly about a male friend we have both had for over 10 years, but I talk to regularly. He has listened to me vent about living here, job situations. I have listened to him about his teens problems, his job worries etc, it is not romantic. H has had many female friends over the years and did not care what I thought. But snce this last fight I have not texted or spoken to my freind at all, which I feel bad about. But my sanity is on the line here. H has said he wants to see my phone records every month and he will ask me evry day or so who I have talked to. I really have no friends here at least noone I feel comfortable talking with in length. I worry my mom too much, so I stopped talking to her. I have had 2 therapists tell me I need a support system or I will crash. H has a key logging program on the computer, he accuses me of sending emails I never sent. He questions things I do(nothing bad or out of the ordinary), but he clears everything he does. He looks in my bank account, which I am changing next week and will no longer access from home. I do not have access to anythign of his.

I so want this marraige over. I feel so emotionless in general and it is killing me. My kids are what I live for and that is getting hard. I volunteer for extra hours at work to keep me busy. I run into many people from my last job (I work retail). And I hear not so nice comments abut me behind my back. I did not want to take this job, but needed the money and jobs are scarce here. On a positiv note I received 2 awards last week and that made me feel good.

H told me if I want the divorce we have to do it right and could not split for 1 to 2 years and I can't so that. But I have no idea what to do now. He can be so mean. I don't know what to do and have nowhere to turn.

K...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 7:03pm
If you are really sure you want to do this see a lawyer. See one as soon as possible. you do not have to wait 1-2years in most states. Find out where you stand. You could do what my husband did to me. See the lawyer behind his back. File the papers, including those that kick him out of your house and take temporary full custody of the children. It's a heck of a thing to do. It hurts really bad, but it was effective. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 2o months it is that it takes two to get married and only one to divorce. Good Luck. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 7:51pm

Xs,


Hi. I'm sorry you're marriage has become a power struggle. It's sad when one spouse doesn't trust the other, even when no one has given the other any reason to mistrust. Sounds to me like your husband might be afraid of you leaving, hence the "possessive" behavior such as tracking and checking up on you. You have a right to your own bank accounts, etc. and its wise to not access those things from a computer he can also use.


I do wonder about how your son's accident has affected your husband. Did your son recover? Was your husband so badly frightened by this that he never got over it? It could be your husband needs help with the trauma of this incident and its now spilled over into your marriage. Or, has something else occured in your husband's life in the past year, such as a demotion, job loss, injury, or other crisis. Sometimes people "snap" when people close them are injured, die, or they suffer some loss.


I'd encourage you to seek professional advice from both an attorney and a counselor. You need to know your rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. A counselor or support group can help you "unload" some of your concerns on objective ears.


Good luck and visit here as often as you like.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:15pm

We live in the wonderful state of VA where you have to be separated for a year living apart before you can file for divorce and his 1 to 2 years is just an estimate of when we can afford to separate. I cannot kick him out as he makes most of the money, I only work P/T right now with F/T hours but less pay. Verbal/Mental abuse is harder to proove and he knows that.

I do not know your circumstances and I am sorry as it seems you would like to stay married. I tried for years to make it work, I was his doormat. I had no frinds I went to Girl Scout Meeetings, PTA meetings, but had no real friends and I think he liked that. He would go out with his friends and stay out half the night and come home drunk no call or nothing, because he knew I would get mad. I do blame myself looking back we never talked about what we thought a marriage should be and we are so different in every way. He has a female freind he has had since before me and they even went out on dates, would hang out in a bar, go dancing, he even slept at her house. Meanwhile I was taking care of the kids. He has had multiple female cyber friends not always the most innocent either. I couold go on and on....And I stayed too long...

K...