Feeling Trapped
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| Fri, 04-08-2005 - 1:16pm |
I have been lurking here for quite a while, and I am very impressed with the ladies on this board. Also, the CLs are really wonderful and caring!
I would like to run a scenario by you. I have been very unhappy in my marriage for several years. We have tried everything - counseling, a separation, and nothing has worked. My H does not want a divorce, and has made that very clear. I really want one. Here is the problem - we just moved about a year and a half ago. This is my son's second school. He has made some wonderful friends, and we live in a fantastic school system. If we get a divorce, I will have to move out of this town to afford a rent (rent is VERY expensive in our city). That would mean my son would have to leave behind his friends, start a THIRD elementary school (he is 10), start a new karate school, a new baseball team, etc. Neither my H or I would be able to afford our house by ourselves.
I realize kids are resilient, but the though of moving him to another school and making him say goodbye to his friends once again kills me. Our marriage counselor even said that since I'm stuck in this marriage, I may as well try to make it work (!). Has anyone else felt trapped in a marriage because of circumstance and finances?

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"You and your husband would rent an apartment somewhere else (maybe in the next town over where it's more affordable) and you would take turns moving back and forth."
I like that idea, and brought it up with the H during our separation. Unfortunately, he's not open to it.
Thanks, and I am open to any and all ideas, suggestions, or stories about other people's situations.
"Is he not open to it because he doesn't want the divorce, or because keeping your son in the same school is less important to him than it is to you?"
Very good question. I think the answer is a little of both. Also, financially, it would be nearly impossible to afford the mortgage and an apartment (out mortgage is pretty high). It would be more reasonable for us financially to each have an apartment. In other words, two apartments would cost far less than one morgage and one rent payment. I have kept my eyes out for an affordable rent in town, but the rates just keep creeping up!
You probably have, but I'll ask anyway... are you looking at apartment complexes or renting a condo from an owner? I ask because I was in the same situation as you are, neither my ex nor I could afford our mortgage payment. When we started looking for apartments we were shocked at how high they were. Finally he got a deal with a very large apartment complex that ran a special, and I found a very inexpensive apartment I rented from a very sweet older woman.
Figuring out the finances aren't easy.
"are you looking at apartment complexes or renting a condo from an owner?"
I have looked at both. I've had my feelers out there for about 6 months or so, and everything in this town is just INSANELY expensive. I would love to luck out and find a nice, cheap place, but that doesn't look likely.
It makes me sad to think I have to choose between staying in a marriage I don't want to be in, and completely uprooting my son.
Thanks for all your suggestions, ideas, and feedback! I really appreciate it :)
Neither H or I can afford our house (we just built almost 2 yrs ago) and because of both kids being in school and not wanting to uproot them, I have to stay in town. Our town isn't exactly affordable and there are no apts, it would have to be a 2 family rental which are very high if you could find one. MY solution is that I am buying a really old house on my own (let me tell you it feels great) that is not exactly up to my standards and needs a lot of work, but it will keep the kids from having to change schools. H now has the option to go to any of the neighboring towns to find a place, as long as it is close enough for him to drive DD to school on the days he has her. It will be tough but because of my credit rating I am able to get a deal with the mortgage and only put 10% down and not have to get PMI.
Check around and see if you can find something just big enough for you and DS and then call a mortgage broker and see what kinds of programs are out there, you never know it may be possible for you. Between the proceeds from selling your house and child support, etc. you may be able to swing a mortgage and house of your own.
Good luck and keep us updated.
That is so great that you were able to get a house on your own. Congrats!
About 3 months ago, I went to a mortgage broker to run the numbers. Unfortunately, I couldn't qualify for enough to buy even a one bedroom condo in this area. And believe me, I'm not picky :) The market is just outrageous!
I am just going to hold out hope that an inexpensive rent will someone materialize before me, and I'll get lucky...lets hope so.
Hi there!
Have you ever considered a roommate situation? I have no direct experience with this organization, but it looks wonderful! If my house wasn't just big enough for my kids and me, this is what I'd do to help with the finances around here. Check out this link: http://www.co-abode.com/
Melanie
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