Feelings over Pending Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Feelings over Pending Divorce
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 6:41pm

I am in the process of getting divorced.  My STBX and I have been married 7 years.  I left our home 3 months ago and moved in with my mom.   We also have a 4 year old.  The way that we work custody is that I have him 4 nights a week and and he gets him 3 nights a week.  I feel that my child has adjusted wonderfully which was my main concern.  Occassionally he will whine that he doesnt want to go, but I know once he gets there he is fine.  So being that was my biggest worry when I left it turns out that now I am having a hard time with the guilt that I feel.  My STBX  is having a hard time coping with the pending divorce.  In our marriage he had terrible anger issues towards me. He was extremely selfish. He always went straight for the jugular with every argument.  He would name call me in front of my son.  He has threatened to break my face off the wall.   He also would lie to me about his marijuana use.  It got to the point where I had to force myself to have sex  with him.  If I didn't he would get either really angry or really upset.  Because in between his terrible behavior he would act normal and considerate.  But I couldn't swing back and foerth with him emotionally.  I started to despise his touch and him all together.  For years I warned him of this.  So I intended on leaving him 1 year ago.  He be egged me to try counseling.  I told him my feelings were gone and don't know if they could ever come back, but I went we went for 6 months together.  He went to every appointment, and his temper was a little better, his outbursts were a little lessenned, but he def still had them. While in counseling I caught him smoking weed in the garage while i was in the shower. I started to stop forcing myself to have sex with him.  I felt like I was being raped.  So that would make him mad.  One night he got so mad he pushed me out of bed onto the floor because I didn't want to have sex and threatened me.  After the counselor found this out she recommended individual counseling.  So he went and I went seperate.  During this time he went into my purse and found my journal that I took to counseling.  It said in detail how I felt about him and sex.  He flipped and said he wanted a divorce.  I agreed.  But all along he fights me on this.  Hewouldn't leave the house.  So I left.  He didn't want me taking any of his business in the divorce so I didn't.  He wanted split custody so I did it.   He didn't want to pay child support since we share custody, so I didn't, but that is not enough.  The months until I moved out he went out all the time sometimes did not come home.  When he did he would either pick a terrible fight with me.  So bad that I would call my dad and make him sit on the phone with me because I was afraid.  Some nights he would come home crying tthat he wishes I would give him another chance and please do not leave. He would say he gets angry because of the rejection.  I did grow so cold towards him along the years.  Then he would cry and say that how could I leave him because he needs help with his temper. So fast forward I am mostly happy to be out of the house.  But he will not accept this.  He asks me to dinner or lunch constantly.  He swears he has not touched marijuana.  He swears he can be the person I fell in love with again.  When he tells me this I either get sick or sad.  But the first weekend I moved out and actually the weekend before I moved out he spent some nights with a girl at his parents while they were at camp.  When I heard this I was not even jealous.  I felt relief.  All I want is for him to accept this and be happy.  I feel like his sadness is holding me back.  But I do not know why it makes me so sad.  Is it the Good memories Is it just sympathy?  Or deep down is there other feelings.  I do not know why I can't feel good about ending this.  He constantly swears that he knows how selfish he was and how terrible he treated me.  But even if he has changed.  I do not think my feelings will even come back.  HELP why am I feeling like this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 10:43pm

Hi Sonya93,

It is always difficult to change your life after 7 years of marriage especially since a child is involved. I suggest you stop you self-defeating attitude and concentrate on you and DS. I realize diving into unknown cold waters always takes courage, yet it seems you have no alternatives in your case. Your future happiness and well-being depends on you having a positive attitude NOW!

In situations like yours you need to consider your physical and mental health first. This is imperative since your son will be depending on you for support and nurturing as he grows.

Several items mentioned in your narrative deeply concern me:

1.  Your STBX's regular use of MJ which is certainly no environment for any child especially 4 years to live in or even to be exposed to.

2.  Treatment demonstrated of you by STBX is intolerable and continues despite consoling to remedy the issue. It appears he is neither willing nor able to control his behaviors.

3.  Habitual use of MJ, even in the home, instead of acceptance of emotional problems by STBX.

4.  Your propose child custody agreement, considering STBX anger issues, drug use, and total lack of commitment to a proper wholesome life, I feel you are subjecting your son to unreasonable risk.

5.  Normally family (divorce) courts make a negative joint custody finding when one of the parents is abusing drugs and that INCLUDES MJ. The rationale for this is the child safety having a trust- worthy reliable guardian.

In consideration of above may I suggest suing for divorce with full custody and only supervised limited weekend visitation by STBX. At least till monthly drug test verifies no MJ for 6 months.

Depending on your financial ability you should also be able to gain procession of the home, if you wish.

I strongly recommend discussing my recommendations with your parents and detailing your situation to a family court advocate. Additionally, seek the help of a competent attorney you will work in your behalf. Finally it is very important at this time you develop as strong backbone and demand the rights you deserve. No woman needs to experience the bulling and physical treatment you have received from STBX!! Ed  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 10:32am

Since it doesn't appear that you are divorced yet, I'd agree with the other poster--there is no reason for you to just roll over in the divorce and give him everything he wants because as you can see, he's going to be mad at you anyway.  So you should get a lawyer and get what is fair to you.  By the way, in my state, even if there is shared physical custody, if one parent makes more money, they might still have to pay child support--and if not, then you should still have an agreement that you should split the costs of things for your child, like school  things, clothes, activities, etc.  Considering the fact that he was verbally & physically abusive to you, are you sure he would be ok with your son?  Well the good part is that your son is old enough to talk so hopefully he'd tell you if anything bad went on.  

I think it's unrealistic that you should expect him to accept the divorce and be happy about it.  But he needs to respect your opinion and not continue to annoy you.  I think you have to tell him that you made your decision, you're not changing your mind and that's it--and don't go out with him because it will only encourage him to think that you're changing your mind.  You are doing the right thing based on what you have said.  I think you are sad because you think about the times when he was acting nice to you & it's normal that you would miss those times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 7:16pm

Thanks for the advice! It is reassuring. And also they were both very well thought out reply's .One more question. He keeps harping on about how much he is changed and that he hates himself for what he ruined. He also is returning to counseling. How do I make myself clear that it will not change how I feel. I tell him this and he says he is completely different now that he does not smoke marijuana and realizes what he lost. I do not want to crush his eagerness to get help and counseling but I do not want him to do it for me. It makes me sad though.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 8:43am

He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, in an effort to get what he wants.  In reality, he has not changed, at least not for the long haul.  It's all a song and dance in order to gain control over the situation.

You need to stop worrying about his feelings and focus on yours and your child.  If he really wants to change, he will do so regardless of whether the marriage were to survive or dissolve. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 9:28pm

You can't control your ex's emotions or behaviors and while he would like you to think that you have all that power and control over him, you don't. It sounds like you guys had a very rocky marriage (even abusive at times) and now you say the feelings are no longer there. While I do believe that people can fall in love again, it boils down to whether you want to take that risk with him again. You know what the life with him will be like - you've lived it before, right? From what you've written (I suggest you go and re-read your own words again), you've already made the decision - you're just allowing him to manipulate and control your own moods/emotions about the divorce...which gives him even further fuel to run off of. If you have chosen divorce (though it seems only emotionally chosen divorce at this point), don't look back - focus on yourself, your life and creating/starting over again. Anything else, you do not have any control over and is pointless to dwell on. Sure, you will have sad moments, thoughts about the marriage, divorce etc. That is all natural, but b/c you have children especially, you need to make decisions that will help you move forward and away from an unhealthy situation. Staying on the fence about things, will only make it all that much worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2012
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 2:20pm

Wow, you have just summarized my relationship with my husband almost word for word.  I totally get where you are coming from.  We have just separated 2 weeks ago.  I have 2 children.  He tells me the same things..."I am so sorry", I love you, I have changed, I promise that I will be the man you married...etc.  I do not love him anymore and I really don't want to be with him anymore.  But, I do question myself too...wondering if I am doing the right thing.  I hate the thought that I still have to endure this for several more months or even for the rest of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2013
Fri, 04-26-2013 - 3:04pm

I'm nearly 50 years old and considered pretty tough in parenting and business, etc, but when it comes to my ex(es) I'm a pushover.  Sometimes when you are so strong you just think "just this one time", but that's not how it works. No matter what you do, or how much you try to work with him your paths don't allign.  I get it. I really, really get it.  I've appreciated the advice I see others have provided.  I understand the great desire to want to "help" someone or "please" someone when you beleive they are sincere, and he may be, but it's just for a moment and this is about your life.  I hope that makes sense.