feelings of takng him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
feelings of takng him back?
6
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 9:32am

QUICK RECAP: He cheated & has broken so many promises. I agreed to forgive him & asked him to tell me EVERYTHING & he said he did. Worst of all, he knew the other woman planned to talk to me. When the other woman approached me, I said "I know everything & my marriage is strong." She told me info I didn't know. He said he told me everything, but later admitted that he wasn't completely honest. That's what led to the seperation. He also later admitted that he never tried to fix any of our problems. He didn't want to change.
NOW, THE PROBLEM: I know in my head that I can't take my stbx back, but my heart won't get the message. I have moments where I really want to just grab him and never let go. The problem is, I was miserable during our marriage & know that I can't live that way. So, why is it that I still want him back?

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 9:55am

HUGS! You are not alone in this one. I made a terrible mistake early on in my separation. In a moment of panic, I though I might be willing to take my ex back, and even spent some time with him (yes, including sleeping together, which was a HORRIBLE mistake). The second I had done it, I KNEW it was the worst mistake I could possibly make. I wasn't really missing him, I was missing the IDEA of being married, the financial security....etc. I questioned my ability to make it on my own.


Please don't make the same mistake I did! I realized right away that I would be stepping right back into a painful, unhappy, dysfunctional relationship. I KNEW it, just as you KNOW it.


And yes, the feeling does diminish, I assure you. I am sure over the years, there are still those pangs of, "what if?" but they will be few and far in between.

What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 10:33am

I can relate... Could be it is just wishing that things had turned out OK - that things hadn't gotten so awful. It can be devastating to find out that the person we had loved, trusted and been happy with at one time, is capable of doing things that are so hurtful.

In my case, I had a hard time accepting my ex had apparently developed a porn addiction. I think for a long time after the divorce was final, I was hoping I was wrong - that he really wasn't an addict and that there was some really good explanation for why he was not only looking at porn so much, but also reading incest fantasies and for why he had - on a few occasions - been looking at child porn. I didn't want it to be true.

I still loved the man I thought I knew, the one I met and had fallen in love with all those years ago. I was worried about him. There is a part of me that will always love that person.

Looking back, I can see that those times I was thinking I was wanting him back, I was really just wanting back 'the dream' of how I thought things would be. These feelings would strike when he was doing something nice for me or if he was starting to behave like the father I wanted him to be for our son. I was thinking, 'Well, if he could change that, maybe there are other things he could change, too?? Maybe I shouldn't have left?'

The one time that I thought he'd ask to reconcile and we set up a meeting to talk, I was scared he WOULD ask and I knew I'd say 'NO'. I didn't quite understand why until I was watching Oprah one day and Robin Givens was the guest. My marriage was not physically abusive, but my ex had been verbally and mentally abusive. Hearing her talk about what it was like to live with her ex reminded me so strongly of how dysfunctional my own marriage had been. I understood then why my gut was saying 'NO!'.

My heart wishes things were different, but I think - finally - I've got my mind, my heart and my gut in sync on this one. There is no going back! I am much better off without my ex - I feel so much safer now. I have seen that even though my ex says he has changed and grown, I can see so many ways he has not. He still lies, he is still self-centered, cannot be honest in his communications, and has continued to try to manipulate and control me.

I know it is hard to go through a divorce and process all the things that happened. But there is light at the end of the tunnel - we just need to keep making baby steps towards it!

Take care and ((hugs)),
Abby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 2:27pm

YES!

After going through this SEVERAL times with my stbx, I still feel a pang now and again. I mean if he only grew up, we could/would have a great marriage! That's the thing though...he won't or can't. We are in the process of selling our old house and moving into separate spaces. We spent the weekend together at my neighborhood garage sale buying a few toys and desk for my girls to have at his place. He still consults me on everything. We drove around, haggled and moved everything just like a team. It was weird. It KILLS me because my girls are going to be raised in two homes because he thinks that it is normal for a long term relationship to include sex everyday and if it doesn't, then I don't love or care about his needs. That's how he feels though and he will cheat so this family gets split in half because all that matters to him is him (story of everyone's life, eh?) Still, it just felt so normal and right to be out and about with him. Sick.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 5:57pm

Yep, the first time my ex and I seperated (which was a couple years after he first betrayed me) I took him back. Although I felt very strong about us being apart, when he told me the seperation made him change I believed it and I felt that we were on the right track. It took a couple of months to see that things were right back to where they were and then exactly a year after that seperation things were the worst ever and we seperated for good that time. Hang in there, I still sometimes wish I'd have listened more to my head than my heart that first time.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 8:36pm
I've got a quick question. How do I get him to take me back? How do I win him again? Heck, how did I win him in the first place? I would do anything to have him come home.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 9:30pm
Me too. Sigh...