Fight with ex...very upset

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Fight with ex...very upset
13
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 10:35am

My ex and I had verbally agreed (yes, I know I was dumb for not getting it in black and white in the divorce decree) that we'd split medical expenses for the kids.

My kids both have dentist appt's on Thursday and I called ex to ask if he'd pay $70 (half). He said he'd call me back, and I immediately knew I shouldn't have called him.

He calls me back last night at 10:30 to tell me he'll pay the whole $170, but that it'll be an advance on this month's child support which, by the way, is a whopping $250. I told him forget it, that I couldn't afford for that much of the support to be for the dentist. He then asked if the kids knew about their appt's and I said no, not really. He said he didn't want me to tell them they couldn't go because "Dad wouldn't pay". At this point I said why the hell would I say something like that?

This led to him accusing me of using my financial nightmare as a way of telling the kids he's a bad father. WTF?! I tell the kids sometimes "sorry, we can't afford that", but it's not at all like I say "Well, sweetheart, I'd love to buy that for you but your father is an irresponsible bastard and doesn't pay mommy enough child support." I don't even HINT at it. The last thing I told my son no about was a Halloween costume. I said we had to make it this year, no buying. My ex thinks this has somehow emotionally upset my son and that I indicated it was ex's fault. WHAT?!

The conversation went on for about half an hour, and when I hung up I just sobbed. Why is he accusing me of this? I want the kids to have a good relationship with their dad. I am not trying to ruin it. Most weeks my daughter protests going to his house. I do not feed into it or show pleasure from it. I tell her that every Sunday night she comes home happy, so I know she has fun, and that it's good for her to see her dad.

This conversation has really shaken me. As angry as I am with him at times, I do not express it verbally when the kids are home, and I do not make comments about him to them. I want my kids to be happy and not angry at me when they are older.

Someone please say something to help me get my head back on straight. Please?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:00am
Makes you wonder if maybe he's not saying things to the kids and feeling guilty about that and so he's turning the tables on you. If you have a "financial nightmare" going on than he's not paying you enough money. How do you do it on such a small amount of support? He's got huge insecurities about something. Just keep up with attempts at keeping the kids' relationship with him going. You will come out ahead of the game. You already have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:39am
He is turning his guilt and using it on you !! Don't give him this control!!
Don't let him make you think you are being a bad mother!! You know what goes on in your house! Hold your head high and next time hang up on him. You don't deserve to be treated this way!!
Hugs!!
Amie
Amie Choiniere Office Manager~Mom~Domestic Goddess~Student~Wine Lover~Girlfriend~Gardener~Decorator~Vinyl Wall Lettering Queen!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 12:37pm

I am sorry that you are so hurt and upset by this conversation.

One of the ugly truths no one ever tells you is that divorce only ends the marriage, not the relationship. He's still the father of your children.

And therefore, the same communication problems that existed during the marriage are worse now, amplified by the divorce process. Remember, both husband and wife feel cheated after a divorce. Except for the lawyers and civil servants, everybody loses during a divorce.

While medical payments may have not been codified, they are typically a joint responsibility. So ultimately, you could bring suit and win. But this is a last resort.

In the mean time, and in the interest of your children, see if you can find out what set him off. The magnitude of his response seems to be inconsistent with the situation you were discussing. What I hear is that his reaction was out of hand, and that shook you up. So there's this escalation thing going on and it ends badly for both of you. (I bet he was shaken up after the conversation too!)

I would caution you trying to characterize his emotions or motives. While this may seem to be an interesting thing to do, its just not productive and will likely worsen the situation.

He's obviously sensitive about how his children perceive him. And the request for money seems to have upset him. Would he be better off if he had more time to plan medical financial outlays for the kids? Does he have a problem paying you?

Many doctors are willing to take both parents financial information in the case fo divorce, bill seperately, and maintain privacy of the finances. See if that can work -- then he pays the doctors directly and you are not involved.

The more business-like the interaction between you and him the better!

Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:44pm
I hope it IS guilt. He treats me like I'm a money grubbing bitch when I don't seem grateful for what I get. I am barely making it. I've enrolled in school full time for the spring and will finish my degree because this is the ONLY way we're ever going to be okay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:46pm
I will hang up next time. It's totally ridiculous that he'd make the jump from me telling the kids no to me saying that it's his fault they don't get everything they want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:55pm

You are right on in terms of me needing to remember that this is all part of why we're divorced.

I do respect your perspective that I should try to find out what set him off and then keep the peace for the sake of the kids, but you know what? I'm really sick of this whole damn thing. This sounds horribly immature, but the man could care less how I feel about what he does, so why should I make extra effort for him? I generally try to be respectful of him as their father, but he does not do the same for me.

I had no idea doctors would do separate billing. Thank you for that piece of information. That could save me many many headaches in the future.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 10:24pm

Gwen,

I have to admit that when I read your post, I was thinking something very similar to what Robin posted here... Its like when the cheater accuses you of cheating because he's doing it therefore you must be...

Don't give him that control to use guilt over you... Take the high road and your children will know the truth. And, I tell Joey all the time that we can't afford x or y... even when I have money for it somedays... just because I have it doesn't mean that I will spend it...

Sending you lots of hugs... now try to relax and take a nice hot bubble bath or something!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 12:25pm

You don't sound horribly immature, you sound exhausted.

Is there a way to have his child support deducted from his pay and forwarded to you by mail? Many local jurisdictions have agencies set up to do this. It may cost a little bit of money ($30 per month, and usually is bourne by the provider of support).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 6:53pm

I hope that is it, Julie, because he should feel guilty that he's paying $250 a month for two kids. I cannot believe he wanted to deduct the $140 from the support. Does he not realize that even if I just used that money for food I couldn't feed them for a month? Our son is 11 and eats like crazy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:16pm

You're right, I am exhausted. Two nights in a row of bs and I'm drained. I just want Friday to come and go, so I can sleep.

I can't have his paychecks garnished. in any way. He works freelance and so there is no real paycheck. Just like I have no way of really knowing what he earns since he doesn't give me that info.

If there was a way where I could just never speak to him again or have to deal with his gf being a bitch when she chooses to walk up to my doorstep on Sunday nights, I'd do it.

Pages