Fighting fire with fire
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Fighting fire with fire
| Thu, 09-29-2005 - 10:01am |
I just ran across this.... and I must say that it really hit home when I thought about all of the times that I could have bucked back at my EX.... and didn't...... and what I have now, as far as a parenting relationship with him for our kids.... and what it could've been like if I'd worn my emotions on my sleeve and fought fire with fire....
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. -Abigail Van Buren
Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Can you give more details of how you accomplished this?
I've had so many problems with my ex since the D and way before--it's just his personality. I usually in the past let him do whatever he wanted because it just wasn't worth the fight--doormat reaction. But now I have no incentive to give up just to keep the peace. We have 50/50 possession and I find that he is constantly setting up competitions over $$, priveledges, promises, etc. with the kids in order to look like the fun parent. I also have problems with him withholding information from me and speaking to/about me with extreme disrespect. There are also lots of boundary issues with new wife. I was miserable in the marriage when I allowed myself to be treated badly. In therapy and through lots of introspection and healing, I have grown a spine and I like it. How do you not get drawn into the fire and still maintain self-esteem?
It's so hard to co-parent with a bully. We were court ordered into co-parenting therapy and so far it's not working well because he doesn't cooperate. The last session was mainly spent with the therapist lecturing him about his arrogant and sarcastic attitude.
I'm tired of being burned...
Cupcake
Hi cupcake..... it's definitely not easy... and I spent lots of time deciding which side of the fence I was going to be on with him, and much of it has to do with what I anticipated his reaction would be....
For instance, when he would hem haw around about showing up, sometimes I had to insist that, per our agreement for visits that was in writing... that he was responsible for his time, so if he had other plans, it was still up to him to make arrangements for child care.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
so true............. so so so so so so so so so so so true.
Wow.
Cupcake, I could've posted the same exact message that you wrote. My STBX does everything you wrote about, and I also think of him as a bully.
Karen, what you wrote is inspiring. About a month or two ago, I decided to change what I was doing... and started to take the approach you wrote about. I think I've made progress, and I was hoping if I changed he would too, but so far, I don't see any changes in him. Hopefully as time goes by, he'll realize things would be better if we both got along and both spoke to each other even if we don't like each other. At the very least, when my kids grow up, they are going to resent their dad for bad-mouthing me and being a jerk to me. And, hopefully, they'll see through my behavior and actions that even if you don't like someone, you can still be civil to them.
Even though he hasn't changed all that much.... yet..... don't you feel better?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Karen,
Thank you so very much for your time in listing out what you do...I'll try to implement some of that--especially your responses to the kids. I'm doing some of that validating already. I'm afraid I'm just not as morally evolved a human being as you are, though. I'm still reeling from the lovely email I got from new wife calling me names and pronouncing me a bad parent and blaming me for all of my ex's bad behavior. I'm so sick and tired of being scapegoated. I'm not about to thank that (expletives deleted) for interfering with my kids and my schedule.
I'll keep trying, though. The best I think I can do right now is to ignore her and not say anything ugly. That's hard enough. I do stand up and protest Ex's bad behavior and not following through with commitments when we go to the co-parenting therapist. That may have some results. That's the only way we can get to any compromises on the kid issues.
I've started a file folder where I've printed out good postings like this one of yours for future reading. I sure hope I can change my attitude toward this issue, I really don't like feeling upset and in chaos.
Longing and striving for peace,
Cupcake
Well... sometimes, saying nothing for a while is a good start to get them to listen to you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~