Filed for divorce -finally!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Filed for divorce -finally!
3
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:42am
Well, it's done. My attorney sent the paperwork to the courts yesterday. We should have the court date tomorrow and stbx will be served on Monday. He's helping me move out on Saturday (how wierd is that?) and he's still trying to get me back. He claims to have found God, yet he uses my faith against me. He's turned everyone against me - even our pastor at church agrees that I'm a horrible Christian for getting a divorce and she prays for my salvation. But they don't see the way he has intimidated, controlled, manipulated and lied to me. He plays the victim. No one really knows the real him. They don't see how empowering and liberating it is for me to be able to ***breathe*** again. But I am still alone, with little support, and scared to death to be on my own. There is a man in my life who is more than willing to be a distraction. He has clearly outlined what he has in mind. I'm tempted to take what he's offering. But because of my faith I can't give in. I have to stay alone. I need to find my independence and find out what I want out of life. The only problem is that I really like this guy and I'm not sure I believe that mantra - it's just what I keep hearing people tell me. And he didn't just come into my life. I've known him for years. And my love for stbx died a long, long time ago. I thought I'd cry when I signed those divorce papers (I've been fantasizing about it for years), but it was no more consequential than signing a check. The emotional divorce is already done. Now it's just a legality. So it's unfair that I have to call this guy and tell him to leave me alone (I don't dare try to "just be friends." It would never work - there's too much chemistry between us). But I'd be committing adultery if I date before the divorce is final. And even if this guy waits for me, I can't have pre-marital sex. That is going to be so hard when we live in a world that thinks nothing of pre-marital sex. I know some people on this board believe in dating before the divorce is final and having sex outside marriage. I don't mean to preach. In fact, I'm jealous of you. When I met up with an old friend the other night, it became her mission to get me "laid". And when I told her I'm a Christian and I can't do that, she just shook her head and said, "oh, you always were the good one." Well, that just about sums it up. How boring. And since this divorce is going to turn nasty, I might as well settle in for the long haul, get about six cats and call myself an old maid. And watch a potentially perfect guy slip away because of bad timing and good morals. Ugh. Well, at least I can sleep in the middle of the bed again, that is if my six cats don't take up all the room. :P
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 1:02am

Perfect guys will wait until a divorce is final.

good luck :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:04am

The one lesson I've learned in the whole divorce process is that the right choice isn't always the easiest choice. Unfortunately some people are quick to judge on limited information, and are resistant to changing their judgement. If you're "ex's wife" you're supposed to stay in that role, and if you try to change that, instead of re-evaluating the situation to see that you are making a good choice they decide there must be something wrong with 'you'. If your pastor really does feel that way (assuming you haven't only heard this info from your STBX, in which case it may not be true), you could try sitting down and explaining your side of the story. Or you could seek out a new church where people are more open minded.

How you feel about dating and premarital sex is up to you. Sometimes it can take a while for final divorce papers to come through, eg. by the time mine come in it will be almost 3 years since the separation, so I wouldn't consider dating now to be adultery, but you have to go with what you feel is right for you. You may find that when you get out on your own some of your views may change a little or your boundaries may be a little different than you initially thought (eg. you might not believe in casual sex, but you might decide sex in a committed relationship is ok), or you may continue to feel the same as you do now. Anyone who doesn't respect that isn't the right guy for you in the first place. As for friends trying to hook you up, keep repeating that it's not what you want. If they put you in a position where you have to turn a guy down (some people think you're just saying you feel that way but if a cute guy tries to pick you up you'll go for it), stick to what you feel is right.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:11am
Wow that was a big step for you. Congratulations .Hopefully I'll be strong enough some day.Before you go and make room for your cats , if he is perfect give him a chance, and talk to him about your feelings and belief you might just be surprised! Good luck to you!!