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| Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:18pm |
If I divorce my current husband it will be my 2nd divorce.
My first husand and I were married 16yrs with 3 children. I began dating him when I was 14 and we seemed to have been together forever. Honestly we grew apart, sex was NOT something he was interested in, he loved sports (not me) and we were rarely together. I wanted something more out of my life so we seperated and divorced about 6-7yrs ago. I lost everything. My attorney was horrible and I really didn't know any better. I gave up everything and moved on.. it took 4 years before he would sign.
Now here I am today. Married for 2 yrs (dated before marriage) to an alcoholic. My current H while I do care for him he is an abusive drunk (it took a long time to see that). He drank before we were married although I never saw it. He is 45 now lived with him mom until we married. We worked different shifts so I never really knew. Plus now a very SHELTERED man has to deal with a wife, 3 step children, bills, home repairs. It is too much for him and he drinks... all the time. I'm tired of living my life like this. I'm working 3 jobs (1 full time and 2 part time) to pay the bills and take care of the things that need done. He spends 1/2 his income on alcohol.
Here's what I'm wondering.. I don't want to lose everything again. We have a home in both our names however I bought the house and put down the downpayment. Although I understand this could be considered a "gift to the marriage" and we may have to split an equity when the house is sold. However, I don't think my H will want it. I know that sounds neive but he will just want to get away without a court hearing so there will be no chance of anyone hearing about the alcohol issues. He will just want to walk and leave me with the house and all the debt. He will go back home to his mom. So if that happens and he doesn't contest things how long before it could be final? Any idea what an uncontested D would cost? (cost is a big factor for me).
Any words of advice? I've been putting my kids through H*ll trying to hold things together (my kids are now 13, 15 and 20) and I just can't do it anymore. He fails to pick them up, leaves them and doesn't cook or care for them when I'm at work, drinks and calls me stuff, and constantly walks around wondering why everyone hates him. He talks about sucide, killing us and then returns to "normal/sober" and forgets everything that he has said or did. I have to get away but I just can't go through losing everything again. I'd really appreciate any advice.

Hey Rocket,
Sit down, take deep breaths, and calm down. You are in it deep.
First off, you are married to an addict, so you need to be concerned with the safety of you and your children. Addicts behave erractically, and often dangerously.
As you progress towards divorce, you will disturb his equilibrium and the addict will react, likely in a violent fashion.
If this guy threatens you or your children with murder ever again, call the police and have him arrested. Do that every single time he makes that threat.
If he threatens suicide, kick him out of the house -- that is emotional kidnapping.
Many of your questions are purely legal in nature. If you can maintain a clear chain of ownerships, you can claim the downpayment on your home as your own. Everything else will be artifacts of the marriage.
Your house -- the downpayment is yours. Any appreciation from the time of purchase is split.
All assets acquired during th emarriage are split 50/50, as is all debt. Don't let yourself get stuck with leases or loans, the base item is not worth it.
You will want to talk to a lawyer on how to establish an account that cannot be accessed by him. In your shoes, I'd pay bills, then I'd withdraw in cash the remainder amount of my paycheck. (Say you blew all of the cash on booze.) You can show that the money went through the account, paid the necessary bils, and that you spent the rest (reckless money use is allowed). The point being you need to establish a way to deny your husband access to your paycheck.
And again, an addict that threatens murder is a genuine danger to you and your children. Take care of that immediately. Talk to the police. Have him arrested. Do not let yourself feel sorry for him or give him "another chance". You are flirting with murder.
As I am sure you realize, alcoholics don't think rationally. They tell you one thing and do another. You can never predict their next move. Therefore, I would advise you to make sure you make every attempt to protect whatever assets you have-even if you don't think he is going to fight you on it. Take all your financial documents (including checks, deposit slips, statements) out of your house (I keep mine at work). My STBX stole checks out of my purse while I was in the bathroom and wrote checks to himself and forged my signature.
I can't tell you much about the cost but don't let yourself get tricked into the thought that he is just going to go away. He might-but be prepared if he doesn't. And please be careful!