Finally cutting off all communication

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Finally cutting off all communication
30
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 6:24pm

I just love this song...I have tried to be a good person and handle the split with H nicely and respectfully..but he is not having it...he is cold, cruel and frankly he is just a bridge burner....I found out today that 6 year old asked him about gf that spent the night at his house when they stayed and his reply was.....I do not even know how long she will be here...way to teach a child how disposable people are ...I am cutting off all contact him,unless there is a parenting major issue.....other than that, if he calls , when the phone is answered, I am just going to have our son answer.....I can not drag myself down with him and argue with him anymore...the pain has just been too much to bear....there is nothing left to talk about anymore ever again.....I dedicate this song to him......

You'll Think Of Me

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been

So
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 11:55am

I think having your son answer the phone when your X calls is not a bad thing. I too, do this. It is NOT putting your child in the middle and is NOT harming your child in ANY way.


It is up to the parent to handle the call the CORRECT way. If daddy wants to talk to Mommy when your child answers the phone, daddy should say, Can I talk to Mommy for a second? NICELY. My son enjoys answering the phone and getting phone calls from his father, he is also 6 years old. If my X wants to talk to me, he will ask if he can talk to me. If I want to talk to him, I will call him on my own time, usually when the children are in bed.


I think that things may have gotten out of hand here. Hanna was being honest and simply saying that her son was answering the phone when daddy called... nothing other than that. She mentioned NOTHING of having her son fight battles or get in the middle of anything. Face to face interraction between parents leaves much more of a "mark" on a child's mind. It is important to be civil when you are face to face.


Hugs to all :)


Angelena






iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 12:00pm
well I think everyone needs to go back and take a good look, because I never said son would have to relay info between us or deal with anything that is between us....That would be putting him in the middle.......but I just got attacked and criticised unjustly and I am not dealing with it at all.......I have spent 8 years being walked all over and abused.......I am not allowing to happen anymore.....and If they want to delete it that I am standing up for myself then so be it......no one else has ever stood up for me.....It is time that I at least did myself that favor.........I am not being mean or hateful to you by any means, just can not take it anymore.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 12:46pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 4:10am
Wow, that song is really good and describes my situation as well! For me too, it just was easier to not talk to my ex; to not deal with his lies and criticisms. Every time I would get on the phone with him, he would dump a bunch of lies on me or criticize my parenting, even though he was the one who left and moved hundreds of miles from the kids; and basically ignored them for the first year and half of our breakup. I can remember when I told him in a very business like way, that I would not speak with him on the phone anymore unless it involved something with the kids. That I would not engage in friendly conversation with him; that when he called, he needed to call and talk to the kids and that was it! He became very abusive on the phone and I finally had to just hang up on him. He kept calling back and left about 7 messages on my voice mail threatening to call my employer and have me fired, threatening to call my parents, to use his computer to steal my identity, you name it. I finally had to turn my ringer off, so that my kids wouldn't know anything was up. For the longest time after that, I refused to talk to him when he called. I screened my calls and when I saw it was him calling I would hand the kids the phone and they would talk to him. It is not easy to deal with someone like that, and sometimes its just downright impossible. You are not keeping your son from talking to him, you are just doing what you feel is best. I had to make that same decision and it was hard. But maybe that is what you need for awhile; just some distance. In my situation, it has taken several months, but my ex and I can know get on the phone and not fight, or blame, or belittle, and now my kids see that even though we are not together, we can still make an effort to get along. I am certainly not suggesting this in your case; everyone has different circumstances, but in my case, enough time had passed without us talking that things have seemed to level off. I wish you the best and I support your decision, as I have been there as well. It is not damaging to your child. It is logical and prevents further and future subjections of him to that abuse and chaos. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 09-03-2005 - 10:47am

>>I am cutting off all contact him,unless there is a parenting major issue.....other than that, if he calls , when the phone is answered, I am just going to have our son answer.....I can not drag myself down with him and argue with him anymore...the pain has just been too much to bear...<<


I just read this post this morning. Personally,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 1:46am

Funny, I started reading this thread because it seemed to address exactly the question I wanted to ask--how to basically just make "him" go away; i.e. to simply not have to have more contact with him and continue to bear the brunt of the pain that he seems to enjoy causing.

Then I saw a bit of a fuss made over some remarks taken out of context, and I thought, "Wow." I think it can be hard to not be passionate about what we feel to be truly right, but even in passion I think there's gotta be room for compassion.

My question was going to be on how to not have contact with the STBX, while maintaining the lines of communication open regarding the children. It sounded to me like hanna had found a fairly harmless way of avoiding the pain her STBX seems intent on inflicting, but it didn't seem like everyone posting was in agreement with her.

Here's the deal, though: I know that even when (maybe especially when) it's the other person who has left (to be with another "friend" let's say), the person left behind (with the kids) has to very unfairly bear the burden of dealing with the fallout. On top of whatever he did to her, however cruelly and unnecessarily, he continues to torment her. If she takes it, she's considered weak and an inadequate protector of her children's wellbeing. If she tries to find a way to control it or stop it, she's putting her child in the middle. What's the deal? Who made her the bad guy in this? How much do people have to take before it's ok to stand up for themselves or try viable alternatives to taking it?

I don't know. When you think about it, if the kid is 6 years old, that adds up to at least 12 more years of forced interaction between mom and mr. wonderful. Surely there's gotta be a better way to get through those years than simply grinning and bearing it, trying to be gracious to the end; especially when mr. wonderful is pulling out all the stops to be a jerk.

Is there an ideal way to deal with this? For EVERYone involved? I know that I'm trying desperately to remain civil, but it's just about killing me, especially when he accuses me of emotional abuse if I ask the kids what time they're coming home or whether they had dinner or did they put Neosporin on their cut. Especially when he comes over to fix his car in my driveway and tears out of here to make his date with his GF, leaving my garage and driveway trashed. Hanna is right, just how much do we have to take before it's ok to say, "enough!"

And what can or should we do instead?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 8:48am

I totally agree with you on this.


I have found a couple of ways to deal with cutting of communication with my STBX while also dealing with visitation and things like that. The first thing: He is not allowed to come into MY house. He chose to leave, this is no longer his home, there is no reason for him to be in here. Plus, it gives me back some power and control over the situation. Every time he did come in here, he would do the same thing as many ex's do: torment me and push buttons. Each time he was here I always ended up having to kick him out for being disrespectful to me. The other day I did let him come in to wash his hands before taking the boys to dinner. Even that was a huge mistake. After walking out of the bathroom he just strolled on into the kitchen and opened my refrigerator!!! Well, I keep my birth control in there and he saw it. He started accusing me of 'whoring around'. Yeah, you're the adulterer here IDIOT!


The second thing I do: Conversations end when they turn to a subject that does not involve the kids. This one is tough, I want to yell and scream at him and tell him how horribly he's hurt the boys and me. However, I've come to the realization that this does no good. All it does is reaffirm to him that I am a nagging, whining b***h and it just makes him more difficult to deal with and gives him more ammo to throw at me. Often, he tries to talk about something other than the kids, usually trying to get to me with uneeded info about him and his gf. When that happens I simply say, "Obviously you are done with this conversation, I'll talk to you later." and either hang up the phone or walk away.


The best way to avoid being harrassed, degraded or hurt by an ex is to have no contact with them. But, that isn't always possible, like when there are children involved. So having no 'personal' contact helps. Talk to him about things that involve the kids and NOTHING MORE. When he tries to talk about something else, end the interaction right there. That way you are the bigger person and don't end up a crying mess in a huge fight with him. It also gives you back some power and control, which is what you really need right now. Oh, and if he accuses you of emotional abuse when you ask him about things involving the care of the children (ex: did he put neosporin on a cut), just say, "I'll take that as a no." and end it right there. Hope this helps!!! *hugs*


edited to add: Oh, and if he needs to work on his car, tell him to do it in his girlfriend's driveway.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 11:10am

ooooh, that's great advice! yeah! see, i think when you're IN the situation, you never think of that. like Hannah's eureka moment when she felt she'd found a viable solution to her situation with her STBX, i thought that was awesome!

i like this exchange of ideas. often, when we write in, what we really want is, yes, support, but also maybe some workable ideas on how to make things BETTER. and, if we all pull together, sometimes we can help each other to cope constructively with our problems.

already i was thinking i'd tell my STBX that he could no longer use "my" driveway to work on his car because of leaving it trashed. telling him to use the GF's driveway is a perfect "suggestion!" when he lost his wallet, i did ask him why he didn't wake up his GF way too early on a saturday morning to help him look for it instead of me, so maybe i am learning a little bit. :)

hannah, i sure hope you get some good, workable ideas on how to get your STBX off your back. i know that mommy's ideas were pretty cute and easy to implement (thanks!). i also do liike your idea of just letting the kids answer the phone, heck, they usually run to get the phone anyway, even when i don't want them to! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 1:05pm

I'll fourth or fifth that motion; there are limits to what we have to take and the first limit is no discussion of anything other than the children. If my kids' father calls, they answer. I'm quick and to the point on the phone. I keep arm's length between us at pickups. If the kids tell me a lie he's told them about me or a criticism against me, I tell them he's mistaken or that's not for him to say. I don't turn the kids against him and I don't cover for him. We are not obligated to suffer abuse "for the children's sake." That does them no good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2005
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 1:52pm

"edited to add: Oh, and if he needs to work on his car, tell him to do it in his girlfriend's driveway."

LOL, so I am not the only one who has been there What is with these guys?!