Finally something that feels good...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Finally something that feels good...
3
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 11:53am

Hi...
This post mighta belonged under the Relationships after section, but I don't really consider it a relationship, so... I just wanna share.

A few years before I started seeing STBX I had a boyfriend, fairly serious, we were together three years and lived together for a while. This is a LONG time ago - he and I broke up in 1993. I then went on and met STBX, got married, blah blah, you guys know this part, to today.

Well, this man, I'll call him A., kept in touch sporadically in the period before STBX and I got married, but because STBX hung up on him everytime he answered the phone, contact dropped off over the years. A. moved to Australia about six years ago.

When I split up, I contacted A. I left him a voicemail, in Australia, simply saying hi, I know we haven't talked in about a year because of STBX, but gimme a call sometime or drop me an e-mail... very casual, friendly. I got a call back within five minutes, and we spent two hours on the phone, catching up with each other's lives. It was nice.

A. then went right out, bought a plane ticket, and visited me here in Canada. It was a nice visit, nothing sexual, no dating, nothing, just two old friends. He stayed with his relatives, so there was no pressure on me at all.

A. called me last night, just to tell me how much he loves me. He's in Australia again, vacation has been over for a few months. He said he is saving for a plane ticket for me to come and visit him in Australia, because he would like to show me his home, his life. He said he had never given up hope on me, that that was why he had kept in periodic contact. He had let it fall off because he didn't want to cause problems between me and STBX. He doesn't expect me to love him, or anything, right now, because he knows I need time to heal and that I was very very hurt and traumatized by this experience, but that he wanted me to know how he feels and that he is there for me no matter what happens, as a friend, or as more, if my feelings change. He says he thinks he will have enough saved for me to visit for two weeks at Christmas, or just after, when the flights are cheaper.

It just feels good to know I have one more good friend, and that even though STBX rejected me and my love, there are people out there who value it.
Had to share the warm fuzzy feeling.
:)
L

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 12:55pm

L-

Glad to hear you were able to reconnect and that it's been a positive experience. Also glad to hear he's not pressuring you for more than you're ready for now and is willing to give you time to heal. It is so good to have people we can reach out to at the times when we really need them.

Just a word of caution. If you do decide to go visit him and you'll be staying with him, make sure you've thought through what you're comfortable with and made it clear to him. He may think that by then you'll be ready to start a relationship with him, but you may not be ready or you may be ready but may discover it's not with him, so you don't want to set up a situation where he'll get hurt.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 3:13pm

Thanks, Sang, you are absolutely right. I need to be very clear in my communication, and very open. I don't want any misunderstandings OR any hurt feelings. I feel good right now, but who is to say we will still feel the same at Christmas? I am going to take everything one day at a time. And the minute something doesn't feel right, I will take steps to correct it. I don't want to go down this road ever again, and I certainly don't want to be the one responsible for hurting someone else.

As for A., I think the most important thing right now is that we get to know each other again, as best we can, online, on the phone, in letters. Who I was in 1993 is not who I am today, I have had many experiences and they have profoundly changed me. He too has changed, become a father, settled down into a job... We have grown up.

If we manage to keep the lines of communication open, I have no qualms about visiting - but I agree totally that I must be very clear about the sleeping arrangements and also about any romantic possibilities that may or may not arise. Otherwise, it could just be too painful.

Thanks for your words of caution, they reinforce me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 9:04am

It sounds like you've already got your head on pretty straight. Enjoy getting to know one another as friends again.

-sang