Finally told him, now I feel sick

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Finally told him, now I feel sick
9
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 1:09pm

I finally told my H how I felt this morning - that I don't want to be with him. I thought that's what he wanted anyway and why I got to this point anyway, but he said that "he doesn't want this marriage to break up."

Why would he passively aggressively drive me away and has become even less affectionate in the last several weeks and then say that? He says he'll go to IC and said he threw out his porn DVDs and even showed me, but I wonder if they are just elsewhere. What caused this sudden remorseful behavior just before this morning when I dropped the bombshell? Is he reading my posts on here and other message boards? I only post off of my work computer, which he doesn't (shouldn't!!) have access to.

I try to remind myself of the arm bruises on DD (what I had posted about a while ago), but then I doubt myself, was he responsible? I feel my resolve cracking. Why would he say he doesn't want the marriage to break up? Honestly, if he had been the one to say what I had said to him, I would have agreed and said "okay, I don't want to be with you either."

I feel so sick to my stomach. I was afraid he would do this, try to "guilt" me into staying. He certainly has acted like he didn't want to be married to me in the last few years; hence why I feel like I do now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 4:54pm

I just told my husband a few days ago that I wanted a divorce, and I know exactly what you're feeling. What you describe about the guilt feelings and his sudden reluctance to split up (in spite of awful behavior for a while now) could be describing me. My husband wasn't treating me like a friend, much less a beloved wife. Why would he suddenly want to stay together if things are so bad?

I think a big part of what might be going in your husband's head and my husband's head is the pain of being dumped. Basically, no one likes to be the one broken up with. Few people tend to respond to "I don't want to be with you anymore" by honestly assessing where THEY went wrong in the relationship. At least not at first. Defensiveness is a very strong initial reaction. After a couple of days of just being angry with me for making the announcement, my husband has started to try making deals with me, promising to try counseling, promising to be nicer. I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't tempting and that sometimes I just want the tension to go away. The problem is he's promised to change before. I've decided to stick to my guns.

Right now, my plan is to move forward with divorce--not at light speed, but I'm talking to a lawyer and making sure that I'm educating myself about the process. If he makes drastic changes that become permanent, I might reconsider. When you're feeling guilty, just ask yourself if you honestly think your husband was feeling guilty all the times he treated you poorly and you were hurting. If not, it doesn't sound like a balanced relationship and you're probably making the best choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 5:09pm

I have been through this before myself. I filed for divorce from my ex about 3.5 years ago the first time. I felt guild, saddness, etc. He promised me everything - I'll change, we'll move, I won't go out every night, etc. He was OK for a few months. Once I withdrew the divorce papers, he was back to his old habits, and made no apologies about it because he knew I was financially stuck.


Do yourself a favor - go through with the divorce now. UNLESS - you honestly and truly feel he can make real and lasting changes. Actions show so much more than words. He has shown you how he is willing to treat you. Why this suddenly change of heart now? People should be willing to change LONG before the threat of divorce.


Stay strong!


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2006
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 10:44pm

Not wanting a marriage to break up is about a lot more than simply saying so. Reconsider why you wanted a divorce in the first place. What has happened here that actually changes anything?

I read just today that feeling physically sick can be a sign of being in an abusive relationship. Be certain he is not manipulating your feelings here to keep you in a place he wants but is not healthy for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 8:12am

(((hugs)))) Even when it is right, this process is so hard. I'll be thinking of you.

kate

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 8:52am

He doesn't want it to break up???


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 9:42am
I feel a lot of the way you do. My H laid a lot of guilt on me as well. The whole experience has made me sick inside too. I think part of it is the guilt, the fact that my life is going to change tremendously, and whether I'm doing the right thing. My H claims he didn't want a divorce, but his actions said otherwise. Mine didn't offer to make big changes or anything, and he was already looking for dates online before the divorce was even filed.So to me, his actions told me that he was just saying he didn't want a divorce so it could all be blamed on me.
I spent a lot of time analyzing my H's behavior, trying to decide if he would change, if he really wanted a divorce.But I think we should spend more time analyzing our reasons for wanting a divorce. What helped me in my resolve was reminding myself (make a list if you have to) of all the crappy things your H has done. Also make a list of what qualities you want in a husband and measure up whether your H has those qualities. And as another poster mentioned, remind yourself that your H didn't feel guilty doing things that hurt you.
That being said, I'm not very far along in the process but I still question whether I'm doing the right thing. Divorce is so hard. I don't know at what point I will quit questioning whether this is the right move.
Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 10:04am

**Delurking**


When my x2b said that he didn't want the 'marriage' to end, I asked him what was it about the marriage that he wanted to salvage?

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 12:37pm

Thanks everyone. My stomach feels much better today, not 100% though. I thought it was telling yesterday that he never said anything like "but I love you," "I don't want to lose you," "I'll go to MC with you," etc. It was a vague mention of going to IC and that he didn't want the marriage to break up is all I heard. I really think he's saying that to make himself look better when everyone finds out. I just don't understand that line of thinking. He's always worrying about pleasing the hypercritical narcissistic parents of his. I'm glad I can be honest and feel like I can do basically, within reason, what I want to because my parents will support me no matter what. Oh, and he said something like "I'm not seeing anyone and don't intend to" but didn't say anything when I mentioned "what about before??" Sounds like a round about confession to me!!!!!!

He didn't seem very broken up last night working on his home improvement projects. I just don't understand him at all. It must be that parental factor (his parents). Why can't he be honest and admit too that we seem to be heading in different directions and want different things out of life? We have a great daughter, why can't we be civil for her sake and be great co-parents? I guess I'm too naive and idealistic. Well, I thought we wanted the same things, but have realized he doesn't.

HOWEVER, I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR FINALLY TELLING HIM!!!!! Yea me!!! No passively aggressively driving him away so that he would be the one to say it - I said it, I've talked to a lawyer already, talking about doing instead of complaining!!




Edited 9/11/2006 2:49 pm ET by crafty1985
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:08am

You wrote: I thought it was telling yesterday that he never said anything like "but I love you," "I don't want to lose you," "I'll go to MC with you," etc.

Mine did the same thing. There was no i love you and want me in your life, although he insisted he didn't want a divorce.Mine did said i love you but i'm not in love with you.

Anyway, you should be proud of yourself. It's such a tough step.
Kelly