Financial Decisions - how long to wait?
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Financial Decisions - how long to wait?
| Fri, 03-07-2008 - 12:27pm |
I am being pushed a bit to make some financial decisions. You can see some of my story in earlier messages but it has been less than a week since I found out that my marriage of 18 years is ending.
I have told him that I won't be able to make any kind of decisions for two weeks. Is this a reasonable thing I am asking of him? We have been together for more than 20 years - two weeks seems reasonable to me. He seems to think I should be able to 'get over this' and decide things immediately. Never mind that he has probably been thinking about all of this for months. (Do I sound angry - because I am getting there).
Please give me some perspective - how long is reasonable to expect him to wait for me to start making some decisions?
Hurtnlost

He is rushing you so that you don't have time to think clearly or thoroughly.
Same as RuralMichiganMOm said.............don't rush as you'd be making decisions based on emotions and hurt.
Hurt,
Hi. The other posters have good advice here. Take it.
AND, I have news for your STBX: divorce isn't over in 30-days flat! It's going to take time to make decisions, file papers, allow for the legal machinery to grind through, and for you to deal with it all.
You're right about your husband being ahead of you in this process. He may have just told you a week ago he was leaving; but he made the decision to emotionally separate from the marriage long before that (months or even years ago.) So, naturally, he's ready to get on with the next stage of your life. Meanwhile, this is all new to you and you have all the shock of reality to deal with too.
My advice? TAKE YOUR TIME and TAKE YOUR LAWYERS ADVICE. What your STBX doesn't realize is he can't force the legal process to move any faster than it will, i.e. you're both at the mercy of the court calendar, state laws, and the system in general. You could file tomorrow but it might be 6 months or more before its final.
You need to get with an attorney ASAP. Take him or her your LEGAL QUESTIONs, i.e. child support and custody, division of debts and assets, etc. Use the time you spend with your attorney wisely so you can get that person working on your behalf. Gather us all your information: bills, insurance policies, investments (401Ks, etc), mortgage, car notes, everything. You'll need an accurate picture to give your attorney. If you're uncertain about what you'll need to live on then I advise you to find a competent financial advisor. Check with your bank or local accountant, someone who can help you develop a budget, make projections for retirement, etc. and give you numbers to bring to the lawyer. Your lawyer may also be able to do this or recommend someone who can.
In a nutshell: don't let your STBX bully you into decisions. And remember, this is not about what's best for both of you, it's now about what's best for you and your children. Your husband should have his own attorney.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Some commonly misspelled words on this board:
You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Thank you all for your advice. I hadn't thought about perhaps seeing a financial planner - I am going to do that to get a realistic view of my future. These are all things my husband has always taken care of. We did meet with a financial planner a few years ago and began to save more aggressively for 'our' retirement. Although that is years off (I am only 39) I am going to pay attention to these things (he makes quite a bit more than I do (3x as much) and I guess I have thought of this more as his domain - investing and saving).
I have to say the shock has worn off as the week has gone on and I am now more angry than anything else. I am going to try to use this anger to help me at least start this process and gather the financial data I will need.
I also will be seeing an attorney this week.
I so appreciate all of the advice you all offered. I still feel so alone in this process and just hearing that I am not makes things a tiny bit easier for me.
Thank you.
Hurtnlost