The first 48 hours

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
The first 48 hours
6
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 4:44am

Hello, all. I am new here, and I am thankful to have found all of you.

It has been less than 48 hours since my husband of 8+ years told me he does not love me, and that he loves my personal assistant/closest female friend of 3+ years. The amount of betrayal I am feeling is seemingly insurmountable, and so is the pain. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot stop crying, and I am consumed by rage or incredible sadness, depending on the moment. Sadly, I still deeply love this man who does not reciprocate my feelings. Even sadder still, I am questioning humankind and whether or not anyone can--or should--be trusted in this life.

My situation is compounded by the fact that I have also been my husband's business manager and partner throughout the duration of our marriage. He has thus been the center of my world for one-quarter of my lifetime. Where do I go from here? We share a high-profile career, and I am fearful this will mean sudden death for me professionally. I cannot even imagine how I will go to work on Monday, and I must. Will I even be able to drag myself out of bed and stop crying?

But first things first. Does anyone have any advice for just getting through the first few days? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:10am

I'm sorry you are going through this betrayal. I've been through something similar and those first days are hard and do seem to last forever. The best advice I have is take care of yourself and reach out to people who love you and you trust.

Right now you might feel like there is no one you can trust. But there are people. Make a list of friends and family members. There will be people on that list who will be there for you.

Get lots of rest. Try to eat and sleep - you might only be able to do this in small amounts to take it when you can.

Don't judge yourself or second guess choices you made. This is not your fault and you could not have changed this (I went back over every moment of the previous year looking for signs and what I might have done differently - don't toture yourself).

Consider talking to a professional to help you emotionally.

Since there is a business involved - get a lawyer involved. Protect yourself. Know your rights. We can easily give up too much in the early days to make things go smoothly. Don't surrender your rights.

But mostly take care of yourself and let others help you take care of you. Be selfish for now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 9:31am

First off, I'm sorry that you've needed to find us, but I'm glad you found us too...


You are very much in a state of shock right now, but based on your email, it sounds like there is a lot at stake right now, including a business.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 10:28am
First off, I am so sorry you are in this situation. My situation is not exactly the same, but I understand. Having your husband tell you he doesn't love you anymore is devastating. I'd like to share with you something my counselor told me and it took a month before it finally sunk in. She told me when your spouse drops the bomb on you, you become out of control. You lose sight of everything else. You feel like you are in a tornado. You are powerless (or so you feel). You want that person back, because, at least for the moment, they are unattainable. She told me to take back my power. No, you cannot control your marriage situation. But you have complete power over yourself. Whether you believe it or not, you have total control over your destiny. Once that finally sunk in, I started to feel my control seeping back in. I'm seeing a strength in myself that I never realized I had. I'm seeing myself as a whole new person. And I am really beginning to like what I see. My husband told me a little over a month ago he was leaving me. He wanted a divorce. I was so devastated, I begged, pleaded and tried to bargain with him not to leave. I started to read books on how to get his love back. I'm now beginning to see that what I was mourning was the loss of what my marriage once was. He is no longer that loving, caring person. That man is gone, and I miss him. But once you realize you have total control over yourself, you will begin to feel empowered again. I know this may not help right now, but things will get better. It happens slowly, but you are very strong and will make it through this. Hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:36pm
I felt the same way...twice. It totally sucks...it's physical and emotional pain. I read books on divorce: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends and Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life by Debbie Ford. The first explains what you're going through, step by step and it really helps you realize that these feelings won't last forever and the second one actually made me start thanking my STBX for doing what he did...if you can imagine that. Reading books and talking about it and writing my feelings in a journal have really helped me see the bright side of this whole mess. I still have really bad days, but I'm hopeful now and excited to get to the end of this process. Good luck to you.

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:25pm
hang in there...i was in your shoes - he left me afer 8 years of marriage. surround yourself with the love of friends and family - that is all that will pull you through those dark first days. if there is one thing I have learned through this whole, $hitty experience is how many wonderful people I have in my life. The next several months for you will be hard - as they are for all of us, but you have to go through the grieving process...masking the pain with a rebound relationship (as I did) does nothing but put off the emotions that you must feel in order to heal and become whole again. he left me Jan 13th and its now july - i am still very sad and have my days, but I have hope that this horrible thing will somehow turn out ok for me....everyone keep s telling me things happen for a reason and that's what keeps me going. Do not feel alone b/c we are all going through the same thing......hang in there........
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:11am

Thank you, everyone, for responding to my post. I come here whenever things just feel too unbearable, and when I get to thinking that I am alone--which I am feeling quite a bit.

I have just begun day four of coping with this grief and betrayal. I didn't cry quite as much last night, probably because I saw him four times yesterday. Even though he told me that he does not want to give me any hope--that he will never change his mind and never feel anything for me "in that way" again (and that he doesn't feel for me what he feels for my now-former assistant/close friend, who makes him feel good and uplifted)--just having him near gave me a feeling of normalcy. And I admit, it did give me just a bit of hope. Foolish, I know, since it appears there hasn't been any hope for a very long time, and foolish because he is TELLING ME not to have any.

I think I am still in denial. But I fear the harsh reality of this will sink in tomorrow, when I have to go back to work and pick up all the pieces. How do I explain to everyone why I can't hold it together? How do I explain that my right hand--who was with me for 3+ years and who has become the backbone of my company--is just gone? And then there are the practical concerns such as how do I handle the drastically increased workload? How do I learn to do what she did? How do I possibly sit in her office and wade through the 6 days of work she's just left sit there? Add to that that I have a national television appearance with my husband this week. My eyes look like pink softballs, and my voice sounds like a 90-year-old man's from days of sobbing. Won't everyone be able to see my pain, and our animosity toward one another?

A friend of mine said yesterday (which was painful to me), "Didn't see you this coming? Everyone else could see that he didn't love you," and "Millions of people go through this every day. You'll get over it." No, I didn't see it coming, and I cannot imagine how millions of people survive this.