First overnight w/o the kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
First overnight w/o the kids
4
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 7:33pm

They had a great time with Dad. That's the best news, of course.

We have been very collaborative and upbeat for the kids so that helped make it go smoothly.

I have, for the most part, held it together and used my time w/o the kids (two afternoons and evenings and this one overnight so far) productively, but man, do I feel like I am gonna fly in pieces any second and I am exhausted and not nearly as productive as I could be.

I basically barely manage .. dinner, keeping house, hosting playdates, paying bills, taking care of the kids, job hunting; the lawn is embarrassingly long. I keep the surface going, but underneath, feel like it is caving in. This first overnight with them away (4:00 pm yesterday until noon today) I got basically nothing done; dinner with friends, picked up some shoes for dd at the mall and zoned out to a t.v. series on dvd and then slept until 9 am--woken by the phone from a nightmare about my dd's kindergarten teacher of all things.

Anyone else struggle with these early days of "dividing" the kids. Did it just get better over time and things righted themselves? Looking for inspiration, here. I also wonder if *I* am feeling all this -- how are the kids coping? This has got to be very stressful for them, too, yes?

It is a bit easier because it is summer and there is no rush to school or sports. Come Fall I think it will be more challenging for everyone.

Thanks for your btdt ideas.

M




Edited 8/12/2007 9:12 pm ET by nymava
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:24pm

Nymava

When I moved out 5 months ago, my 15 yr. old son who is the love of my life, would not come with me. I had to go, to begin the process of extricating me and him from an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic. I didn't see him for about two weeks and it was completely devastating. I was a basket case, crying and crying. My son wouldn't answer the phone even. So I began texting him and he would text me back and we began to rebuild our communication. In the meantime, I took up a new hobby, one at which I can make money, and read, and got in touch with old friends. Now I see him regularly, talk to him many times a day. It still upsets me to take hme home to his father, but my days and hours are better. And now that I've started the divorce process, I'll be seeing a lot more of him.

So yes, it gets better. You adjust. I know the time I have with my son now is of much higher quality than when I was in the home and being verbally assaulted by his dad all the time.

But in the beginning, it was harder than I ever imagined. Once you get into a regular schedule, I would imagine it does just right itself, and everyone adjusts. I'm looking forwad to that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 11:19pm

I was a wreck during the first overnights. I felt like I couldn't get anything done and yet didn't know how to fill the hours (and they would be gone just about 24 hours). Over time I found a rhythm to my days when I am kid free.

It was difficult for the kids as well. They had never spent a great deal of time alone with their dad so it was an adjustment (and he had actually been off the scene "finding himself" for a few months so that made being with him even more strange for them). But they are doing fine now. It can be a little hectic and they act out when they first come home. But I find if when they first get home, we sit down and play a board game or read together, it seems to help. Don't know why, but it does. He also likes to drag out the drop off and good-bye process which is hard on them. So having something planned gets him out the door faster and they like that better.

We are all finding our way in this new way of being a family. You will too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 8:13am

Thanks for those good thoughts.

When we came home I also felt the need to decompress -- I was emotionally exhausted (despite having slept until 9 am :-)). We read for more than an hour.

I like the board game idea, too. We play alot of board games.

Good to figure out a ritual for home coming.

Now if I could just pull myself together while they are gone :-).

Thanks again!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 8:15am
Wow, Do I know where you are coming from. My daughter's XH just got two weeks with their baby, and that was the hardest and longest weeks ever but we got through them. I say we because I take care of the baby while she works and when she left her XH, she came back home. The XH went along time without caring to check on this child but then his mother got involved and standard visitation was implemented. So you will survive and for us it is not getting easier yet, you just learn to cope and get through it any way you can. I also think as the baby gets older and can maybe talk it won't be nearly as hard, because now we have no idea of the kind of treatment this child gets when visiting them. (They don't even call this baby by its given name because his mother does not like it so they use their own name, talk about confusing for this child). Thats why I started posting here was to seek help on coping with summer visitation and from all the crap I know is coming.