First post,need advice:dating/separation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
First post,need advice:dating/separation
2
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 2:49pm

I could really use your thoughts here.

In Sept. 2005 my husband of 15 years told me he wants out of the marriage. It was a total shock to me and I was devestated. I have considered myself separated since that time, 17 months ago, but have lived on my own without him for 12 months. We share the kids equally, so that each of us has them 3-4 days per week. We are amicable, tho hurt. I do not feel there is hope for reconciliation. Again, he is a very good friend to me and we are there for each other.

I began dating someone 7 months later, and now I am in a very serious relationship and I am content and happy with it, tho still finishing up some healing. My 2 children have met my SO, and they adore him, in fact they want him over every night, which is about how often he wants to be over. I love having him there, but I worry if this is wrong in some way. Is it confusing for the kids (they are 7 and 12). Is it wrong for me to be this serious with someone without being divorced, and only being separated for 17 months. I did date several men and I think SO is very very special, and it does not feel at all like a rebound thing, more of a very good connection thing. Anyway, I guess I am trying to learn what the boundaries are and should be? As I said, my kids love when he is over. But should I be working on developing a stronger family of 3, since the loss of H from our prior unit, and not be including my new love? Am I moving too fast? Im 42, btw. Its so confusing to know what the right thing is. What feels right to me, might not be right in terms of my kids. Any thoughts appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 3:08pm

You are kidding, right???
Moving too fast??? ONLY 17 months separated???

darling, what better message to send to your children, than that their mother is a woman, is able to take care of herself rather than being a carpet that other walk all over???

Put it this way: if one day your daughter is in a relationship, and someone walks out on her as your STBX walked out on you - replacing you, and giving your self esteem such a blow - what would you suggest to her??? that she prepares herself for a lifetime of unhappiness and submission, or that she moves on, and gets ready for the rest of her life???
I hope you pick option 2. Well, give yourself the same piece of good advice. Open your arms wide to your new man, thank the heavens you found him, enjoy and wallow in every minutes of that new-found happiness, get a divorce!!! and be deliriously happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 3:41am
Totally agree!

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