First Thanksgiving w/o Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
First Thanksgiving w/o Husband
5
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 5:15pm

After 5 months of separation, this will be the first Thanksgiving without my STBX.
My children, DD-12, and DS-10, and myself will be spending the holiday alone this year. We have no family nearby, and are saving our holiday travel to see family for Christmas time. STBX lives nearby, but because of our situation, and our divorce not being official yet, I told him the children will be with me for both holidays this year. By that I meant on the actual day...not the whole weekend, or week. My children and I are very close, and STBX has been somewhat of an absent father (IMO) who has OW (reason for breakup). He loves his children, sees them when it's convenient for him, we do every other weekend, and a day or so during the week for visits with him. He chose to see his children the day before Thanksgiving, and on Sunday afternoon (because he'll be with OW the rest of the time).

My question is....does anyone in a similar situation have thoughts or ideas to share on new traditions, or other ways of handling the first holiday without dad, and no family around? I plan to cook the turkey, because that's what the kids want, and make it as normal as possible, but I know in my heart that sitting around that table w/o dad will be very tough on them, so afterward I think we will go to a movie. But, I'm open to ideas as to how others handle this difficult time.....sigh...

Tis

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 6:14pm

This is our first holiday season since the divorce proceedings began. I am actually looking forward to it because last year was just awful. Thanksgiving was strained and then my STBX moved out two weeks before Christmas, which meant spending Christmas with raw emotion everywhere.

For Thanksgiving, we are having my sister fly in and my new man will be here as well. I want to start inviting friends over for holidays as a new tradition and fill the house with those I care about whether they're family or not.

Truthfully I'm glad that my holiday obligations are now very minimal. I am glad to not HAVE to spend my holidays a certain way anymore. I do love my mother-in-law, but will say that holidays at her house were not always that great. She would get so wound up with all that she did that it took sometimes the fun out of it. I still remember one Christmas Eve where we wanted to go home (it was 10 p.m. and our son was not quite 2 years old) because we had to be up in the a.m for Christmas with my family, but she had a fit because we hadn't had pie yet.

However you decide to spend the day, make it a happy one. Try not to focus on the absence of their dad. It's hard, but if they see you happy, they'll likely be happy too. Hope your day turns out well. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 6:57pm

Focus on the good things in life, not the bad.


Invovle the kids in the cooking , make it fun and full of laughter.


Why

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 8:06pm

Hi, Tis. Many of us have been through this before. I know the first holiday without your H can be hard, but a lot of how your kids react to it will depend on how you present the situation. I had a very small Thanksgiving last year (first without my son, he was with his dad), but I still had a great time. New traditions are a GREAT idea. Think about letting your kids chose one of the dishes to go along with the meal, and help make it. Spaghetti with turkey? Sure! Chocolate chip cookies as one of the desserts? Why not! I remember on Thanksgiving morning, my mom would set out a small chocolate turkey for my sister and I each year. You may feel some sadness, but you and your children can celebrate the holiday your way this year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 7:53am

Hi Tis,


Sounds to me like you've got a handle on the day itself. The trick will be not making a big deal out of Dad's absence. The kids already know he's not going to be there so be aware of your behavior (sighing, looking at the empty chair, making comments about how "last year" went, etc.).


Engage your children in preparing the meal. Set a festive table and enjoy the dinner. I think going to a movie afterward is great. It will give everyone something to look forward to that afternoon and you'll fill the hours with something everyone can enjoy.


Good luck,


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 5:06pm

Tis,

This will be my first year in 14 that my XH won't be with us for Thanksgiving, we always went the the X monster-in-laws house and this year it will be my first time cooking.( SCARY THOUGHT) I invited a single friend and her son (my family isn't nearby either), plus my girls 13 and 12 will be there. I am cheating by ordering a pre cooked meal from Safeway,it has all the trimmings and not all the all day cooking a bargain at 37.00, because I wanted to focus on the kids more than the whole meal. I didn't think I could do this w/o my X, the more I think about previous dinners and how miserable we were, the happier I feel about being just us this year. We can do anything we want and not have to worry about what to wear or conforming to anyone elses traditions. We plan on a pajama day, movies at home, favorite football game, poker (those girls are good at texas hold um) and just a plain gab fest. I asked the girls before hand what they wanted and from their feedback and my friends' we have a flexible plan. The day is more of togetherness in your new lifestyle than the past. I'm sure whatever you do your kids will love because they have you. Make new traditions and memories. Don't focus on the X, maybe in your blessings at dinner you can include him by mentioning "dad" and let the kids know you aren't excluding him from having a good day as well w/out them. They will appreciate that you are making an effort to include their father even if he is elsewhere. Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving.

Bridget