First time here

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
First time here
11
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 9:32pm

A little about me. I am 32 and have been married for 9 years. We have 3 children 7, 4 and 2. About a year ago things really started to fall apart for me. I was suffering post partum and as I came out of it I became more and more what I think is my real self. My husband and I have been growing apart for years. We really are polar opposites which can be good in many ways, but it felt more like a roommate relationship than a marriage. My feelings (romantic) for him had been gone for years. I felt more and more guilt about that and slowly began considering that we may be wasting our lives with the wrong partner. Which isn't fair to either of us.

It wasn't an awful marriage it was comfortable and nothing more. We manage but I want more and I feel he needs more and different things than I can give. He is very affectionate. I cringe when he touches me or put up with it then find myself resentful. He deserves someone that can make him happy and I need to explore and find what I really want. Due to some trauma in my early dating I seem to have issues that haven't been resolved.

So we began seeing a marriage counselor when we both blurted out that we weren't happy. I let him know that I felt we may be wrong for each other. He was devastated but within two weeks he'd made a complete turn around wanted out and wanted to move on.

We signed a separation agreement that we wrote up with the help of the therapist. he began dating within minutes really. Which hurt a bit. I feel like I'm still reeling even though This was mostly my doing it certainly isnt' easy. Because of the kids and the tremendous cost of housing. We are living together alternating nights on the couch :( We have made the house run like a business we both have schedules and nights off etc. I am to go back to school for another degree starting this summer since I've been a stay at home mom for 7 years I've found myself unemployable and certainly couldn't afford the childcare costs.

So we are stuck in this house together. He resents me terribly and sometimes it's really hard I find myself trying to make him happy to make myself worthy of his still supporting me.

We have yet to tell our families and I find myself having panic attacks on a frequent basis. I'm terrified of the lives I feel I've destroyed. My kids, it breaks my heart to think of how this may affect them long term. The thought of not being able to provide for myself and the kids is frightening. I worry worry worry about every thing. I've stopped returning friends phone calls it's too much and I'm not able to talk about it. I don't want pity or advice from them. I feel like i'm falling apart here and I'm the only one to blame.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_kat
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 10:45am

gal_kat...

Pianoguy wasn't sure if he should respond to your post....or just pass? But as you can see, he changed HIS MIND!

Regret about what you've put your family through in the past DOES NOTHING! The only thing you can do now is make the present a little easier and the future A LOT BETTER!

While you've indicated that you and your husband have "a business arrangement"---I have to give him credit for letting you remain in the same place indefinitely. While the 2 of you have probably agreed to shared custody of the children...a man (who has decided to date again) will never be comfortable when it comes to bringing a new girlfriend HOME, especially if his EX is sleeping on the couch!

Since YOU made the choice to dissolve the marriage and bust up the family...ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITY! You don't have to make explanations to curious friends, but you're going to have to deal with family members sooner or later? The anxiety (or hyperventilation) you're putting yourself through SOLVES NOTHING!

If you had the strength to "make the break"---then maintain that strength---and owe up to the choices you've made!

And then...do the best you can to deal with and accept the current situation by making it LESS DIFFICULT AND LESS STRESSFUL for the people around you?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
In reply to: gal_kat
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:54am

Are you suggesting that I should be grateful that he hasn't put me on the street since I was the one with enough nerve to point out the faults in our marriage? He decided separation was a good idea. We live in a community property state. If either of us pushes the divorce then the house is sold off profit divided and we all lose particularly the kids who would have to leave the good school district they are in.

While I agree and from time to time give him sooo much credit "allowing" me to stay here that is low self esteem talking. I have been a good wife for 9 years. I've sacrificed a lot. I maintain this house and raise these children while he is off furthering his career. I get no social security or 401k for the years I put in. They are just blanks on my resume. I deserve to stay here this is my house too!

You just gave me some of my spunk back ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: gal_kat
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 12:59pm

Why are you the only one to blame? Because you're not willing to live unhappily for another 10 years? It takes 2 ppl to make a marriage work and it takes 2 ppl (with some exceptions, of course) to break it up. You can't live with someone and not know they're unhappy. And if you don't know it......then that right there is a problem, isn't it? So, you're not the only one to blame.

You're going through normal emotions. Just because you no longer love him that way doesn't mean it's easy to watch the man you've called a husband for so many years start dating. It's not easy to change one's way of life that they've been living for so long. But you can't let fear take over now. Remember why you wanted out. Those things have not changed. It's hard, yes. But it will be harder 10 yrs from now.

I've been sleeping on the couch for months now and I have no problem to continue doing so until our house is sold. I wouldn't mind if he started dating because I know that if I wanted to date, I could. And I will. And so will you. Everything seems extremely hard, even impossible, right now but remember why you're doing it. So both of you can live happier more fulfilling lives. And your children will grow up happier if mommy and daddy are happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: gal_kat
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:12pm

Hi gal_kat,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. My situation was somewhat similar-my husband is a really great guy but I felt like he was a roommate. There was no attraction, romantic or otherwise (all the cringing when he touched me and then guilt for not having sex). He wasn't mean to me, I just felt like we were both missing out on our lives-we were going through the motions. I was also the one who orginally put the separation idea on the table, and I was the one who started the process. And, like your STBX, he was upset for a while and then made a complete reversal. Which (as contrary and illogical as it may be) made me feel like he didn't love me, or perhaps never loved me. How could he just decide in 2 weeks to move on when I had been thinking about it for years and never been able to do it?

It can be so hard to talk to friends and family about all of this-it's so hard to explain. When someone is unfaithful or abusive it seems black and white to everyone on the outside (if not to the people involved) but how do you explain the more grey areas? That (as you said) "I want more and I feel he needs more and different things than I can give."

You have made a very brave and difficult decision. It takes a lot of courage to take control of your life and actively begin to look for happiness. I hope you find it, and I hope all of us here can help you on your way. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
In reply to: gal_kat
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 5:31pm

Thanks for the replies. today I'm feeling crazy for not just being content and living out my life. I broke the news today to my only sibling a brother. His reaction was what I'd expected. I could hear the doubt in his voice, is this really the only option what about the kids etc. In the end he said I'd have his support no matter what but of course it doesn't take much to make me doubt myself right now. Not that stbx would want me anyways at this point lol!

His moving on so fast affirmed a belief that I'd had for years that he could be happy with anyone I was a rebound he'd just had a broken engagement right before we met I think he was just ready to commit. He seems to do that so easily it makes me wonder if there was anything special about me or I just happened to be the next girl to come along.

scarlet do you regret your decision? I opened this can of worms and there is no putting the lid on. I hope someday we'll all be happy again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: gal_kat
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 6:03pm

Hey gal_kat,

Do I regret my decision? Depends on the day! LOL! Most days I'm pretty certain that I'm doing the right thing. I mean, I know that I DO NOT want to live the rest of my life the way I've spent the last few years. But I am still plagued with doubts like "Did I try hard enough?", "Was this the only option?"...I'm sure you know them all. I wonder if we worked hard enough could we be happy together, or are we just a bad match? There are bad days where I just want to go home and have everything be back to normal. But, when I really think about it I don't want things to be like they were--yes it was easier, but I wasn't happy then either.

I'm sorry to hear about your brothers reaction (but it's good that he's going to be supportive, even if he doesn't really understand). My sister was the same way-it made me feel like I was acting like a spoiled brat. Like she thought my marriage had gotten a little tough and instead of working on it I just wanted to give up. She didn't know all of the years of being unhappy and trying to make it work. All the guilt and the tears and the midnight resolutions to be a better wife, to be more grateful and more content. The thing to remeber is that no one but you and your STBX knows what your relationship was really like. Did you put the "brave happy face to the world" and try to hide the fact that you were unhappy?

I understand how you feel about not knowing if your STBX wanted to be married to YOU or just to SOMEONE. And you deserve to be with someone who will not make you ask that question. One of the things that pushed me over the edge with my STBX was a question he couldn't answer at the marriage therapist office. She asked me to describe the things I liked about him, and I went on and on and on. She asked him what he liked about me and he couldn't think of anything. Not one thing. At that moment I realized that I deserved to be with someone who could sing my praises at a moments notice, not with someone who couldn't even come up with one thing he liked about me. (He did come up with stuff later, he made a list and read them during our next session--classic example of too little too late.)

It's really hard, especially with the kids to consider. But gal_kat you deserve to be happy, and you have to do what is best for you. The trick is figuring out what that is! LOL!!

Keep me updated on your situation, and let me know if you need to vent!!

I'm sending you great big ((((HUGS))))!!!

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gal_kat
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:31pm

Welcome to the board...

It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, but it sounds as if you've made an important first step by telling your brother... sometimes divorce is hard to understand from the outside, but I'm thrilled to hear that he will be there for you...

You mentioned marriage counseling and panic attacks... are you still getting counseling, individual or otherwise? If not, I would recommend it and you may also want to talk to your doctor about the panic attacks...

Good Luck!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: gal_kat
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 7:08am

Kat...kat! You have so much going on right now. Go easy on yourself! This is most definitely not ALL your fault. I can not imagine how dificult it must be living in the same house during a separation. Often, very stressful situations like this can trigger panic episodes (I suffered from panic disorder for several years). And believe me, I know how awful and terrifying they can be.


The best thing you can do for yourself is go into therapy, and possibly inquire about some short-term meds to help you cope. Hang in there!

What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
In reply to: gal_kat
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:20am

When things really started to unravel, last summer. We were getting ready for a cross country trip with the kids to visit the inlaws. Two weeks in a car with DH and 3 kids. I was freaking out just thinking about it. I would have rather gone to the dentist every day for two weeks than feel trapped like that. My dr. gave me something then when I told her how I had images of myself jumping from the car. It was an awful trip there were good moments but it was hard on everyone and I can't say dh and I got along well the entire time.

So I still have some of the Clonazepam that the dr. gave me. I don't take it very often because it makes me sleepy and I don't have time to be sleepy. I did see the therapist last night and as always it helps. It's like it relieves the pressure that builds up during the week.

DH and I talked last night. He has some medical tests coming up and from the sound of it he may very well have MS like his father had. :YIKES: Of course I want to be there for him through this. He sees the neurologist on Wed. He also seemed to hint that he still wanted me. Apparently his dating isn't going as well as he'd put on. He's been out with 3 women and while he talks to one of them daily he hasn't "found someone" as he'd told me earlier.
He suggested that I start dating to see if maybe my problem is with intimacy more than him in particular. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am attracted to OTHER men I just think that dating right now will mess with my mind and I just don't need any more stress.

Thanks again for the replies the support and for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: gal_kat
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 1:46pm

Gal-Kat,

I am going through the same thing right now....i have 2 children, 8 and 5 and a wonderful, loving husband, but I do not love him the way a wife should. I too feel like we are just roomates. Whenever he wants to kiss me, i cringe. I finally said something in January because I had been going through a depression because of it. We have been basically separated since then, but still living in the same house because neither of us want to leave the kids. We finally had a long talk last night and have decided to tell the kids this weekend and start sleeping away from the house next week. We are doing this crazy thing where one of us is out of the house every other night. I would love to talk to you more because I am so scared. I know this is the right thing to do, but Im scared to death.

Kate

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