First time here

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
First time here
11
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 9:32pm

A little about me. I am 32 and have been married for 9 years. We have 3 children 7, 4 and 2. About a year ago things really started to fall apart for me. I was suffering post partum and as I came out of it I became more and more what I think is my real self. My husband and I have been growing apart for years. We really are polar opposites which can be good in many ways, but it felt more like a roommate relationship than a marriage. My feelings (romantic) for him had been gone for years. I felt more and more guilt about that and slowly began considering that we may be wasting our lives with the wrong partner. Which isn't fair to either of us.

It wasn't an awful marriage it was comfortable and nothing more. We manage but I want more and I feel he needs more and different things than I can give. He is very affectionate. I cringe when he touches me or put up with it then find myself resentful. He deserves someone that can make him happy and I need to explore and find what I really want. Due to some trauma in my early dating I seem to have issues that haven't been resolved.

So we began seeing a marriage counselor when we both blurted out that we weren't happy. I let him know that I felt we may be wrong for each other. He was devastated but within two weeks he'd made a complete turn around wanted out and wanted to move on.

We signed a separation agreement that we wrote up with the help of the therapist. he began dating within minutes really. Which hurt a bit. I feel like I'm still reeling even though This was mostly my doing it certainly isnt' easy. Because of the kids and the tremendous cost of housing. We are living together alternating nights on the couch :( We have made the house run like a business we both have schedules and nights off etc. I am to go back to school for another degree starting this summer since I've been a stay at home mom for 7 years I've found myself unemployable and certainly couldn't afford the childcare costs.

So we are stuck in this house together. He resents me terribly and sometimes it's really hard I find myself trying to make him happy to make myself worthy of his still supporting me.

We have yet to tell our families and I find myself having panic attacks on a frequent basis. I'm terrified of the lives I feel I've destroyed. My kids, it breaks my heart to think of how this may affect them long term. The thought of not being able to provide for myself and the kids is frightening. I worry worry worry about every thing. I've stopped returning friends phone calls it's too much and I'm not able to talk about it. I don't want pity or advice from them. I feel like i'm falling apart here and I'm the only one to blame.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
In reply to: gal_kat
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:33pm

Wow Kate that sounds so similar. We kind of alter being gone at night too. I don't mind having him here but it seems to bother him quite a bit. He's an all or nothing kind of guy and he doesn't like this in between.

you can email me redkat1 at hotmail.com
I'm on msn but under a different address I'll give it to you in an email if you like.

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