First Weekend Without the Kids
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| Fri, 04-07-2006 - 11:02pm |
My STBX finally managed to move into a new place (with his skank girlfriend) that has a second bedroom for the kids, so this is the first weekend with them over at their dad's place. I know it is good for them to be with him. I wouldn't stop them from seeing him, but tonight, and for the last few days I have been a mess.
I've been eating like a pig for a week. I feel disgusting, fat, ugly, angry, sad and crazy. This from a woman who is on anti-depressants already.
I hate him...I just f@&*ing hate him right now. I hate him for moving out and immediately in with another woman. I hate him for having so little consideration for our children that he told them about her two weeks after he left. I hate him for being passive, and so as a result I have to be responsible for everything. I hate him for his hypocrisy in who he has chosen to be with. I hate him for being so weak and always having an excuse as to why he can't take of things. I hate him for not being forthcoming with his earnings and getting away with paying me $250 a month in child support FOR TWO CHILDREN.
I am so angry I want to explode. I want to punch him in the face. I want to hit him over and over again until I have no energy left to raise my fists.
I'm sorry for disappearing and then coming back to rant, but tonight stinks really bad. A friend was going to come over but I really feel like being alone. I am being a nut case and nobody needs to be here watching me eat, cry and sit around in my underwear watching stupid tv.

Hey, it is totally, 100% OK to feel angry! As for feeling fat, disgusting, etc...believe me, I have my days where I feel like that, too.
The first strecth of time I had alone without my son was very shocking to me, too. I was SO upset that my STBX, who was basically never home before, NOW wanted time with DS. "WHY NOW????" I thought! What about the previous TEN YEARS??? Boy, was I fuming.
At first, you will experience a lot of anger and some lonliness. But after a while, you will come to appreciate your time alone. I know it doesn't seem likely now, but you will. You'll come to enjoy the breaks you get. Plus, you can use some of that time to rest, regroup, and even do errands you might normally do with your kids. That way, when they come back, you'll be refreshed and even have some extra time to spend with them.
And it's OK if you want to be alone this first weekend. Cry, watch silly, TV, eat what you want, etc. But make some plans for the next time your children are going to be with their dad.
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yikes! Sounds like I did months ago on my first weekend w/o the kids. Although I still feel most of the emotions you're feeling, they are definitely more muted. Until last week when (on top of ALL the same issues you're dealing with) he showed up with a new $60K SUV!!! I admit I wanted to smash the windows and slash the tires. I hope he wreaks it (when the kids aren't with him, of course, and preferably with the girl friend). Don't worry, though. As angry and incredibly lonely without the kids that I am, I sort of am beginning to like the peace every other week to do stuff he hated (like walking around the mall, reading and renting dramas from the video store. And cooking gourmet meals (for me!) and drinking too much wine and ... OK, the week as a single parent is exhausting and you'll soon see the advantage of having some time off and not having to arrange a sitter. I'm still looking for a hobby but I'm in a better place now. You will be too, soon, I promise. Have a glass of wine and read a good book and before you know it the'll be back.
Laura
What do you mean by not being forthcoming with his earnings? If he's lying, then I would ask DOR to periodically check his income tax returns, if he's paid under the table than of course, that's typical shady behavior. I swear, if I ever get married again I refuse to marry someone who doesn't get paid by an actual check above the table. It seems to be sooo sneaky when child support issues come into play.
Anyhow, I can understand how angry you are, I read that you are on antidepressants, but are you going to counseling? Because the meds aren't going to help with the anger, it helps to talk to a professional, to be able to refocus, to be able to have an outlet for that. HOpefully you are and I just missed the posts where you wrote that you are.
Try to get out for a walk, get some exercise, those endorphins will help with the anger...then come back in and take a nice relaxing bath and relax. Rent a great movie!!!!
The best revenge is to be happy and be great, the first time I saw my husband after our divorce, I had dropped 30 lbs, he had just broken up with his mistress for the upteenth time and i was waiting for a date to pick me up so I was looking smashing as one normally does on a first date, he actually came to my door wondering if I got the junkmail he left for me I didn't even let him in the screen, I was like "Yup thanks" see ya! Then his brother dropped by about 2 years later to say hi and he said how are things going and I made sure he knew that i was having a blast hanging out with my friends on the local hockey team...living a happy fun life is the best revenge...
Enjoy the time you have..I know it's hard...but try not to overindulge too much in the food, you'll only feel worse later, and icky get out there go for a walk, I'm telling you nothing gets rid of that pent up frustration like snapses firing off endorphins