Flippity Floppity

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Flippity Floppity
7
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 4:00pm

I've been to counseling, we've been to counseling. It's been a year. Some changes were made, some were made and then gone back on, but even with the changes made, there's still no intimacy or trust on either side. (Throughout this process, and before we married, even, I have had feelings for an ex of mine and my husband knows this.) I suggested that he move out 6 weeks ago. His knee jerk reaction was very serious "I'm moving out, we need to call an attorney asap to divide finances and start the divorce process." A few days later he said I didn't tell him to move out. We did the back and forth dance a few more times. I have a hard time hurting him, telling him I believe in my heart it is over. I went to the therapist because my husband had me totally freaking out. He told me I have made his life a jerry springer episode, he doesn't even love me any more and that he is disgusted by me. The next day he told me he would give the marriage another chance if I went back to counseling to get over my ex (that's why I started counseling a year ago, fyi, and it didn't work). We have this pattern of me not being comfortable speaking my mind and when I do and he tells me I'm wrong, I always back down. He wrote an email to my sister telling her I am in a very dark place and about to make a huge mistake, that she needed to talk to me (meanwhile she's been talking to me for the entire past year about this.).

So, I went to see my therapist. I know I have to feel sure about myself and the decisions I make. I left the appointment sure of a physical separation and mostly sure about a divorce. The next day I went to see an attorney, who totally turned me around. She was concerned that maybe I'm just a stressed out mom (3 kids in 7 years, stay at home) and that I should try a different therapist (this would be #3) that my husband is more comfortable with. She was also concerned about the fact that my husband has a gun and has recently resumed taking krav maga classes. I left feeling not only trapped in the marriage, but afraid for my life, even though my husband has never tried to harm me physically. Sadly though, it didn't leave me with the desire to work on the marriage. I feel exhausted from it and don't even feel like on our best day it was a decent marriage. I have no faith that it could be better than it was. I also have found that a large percentage of what my husband said in counseling was complete bs. Lovely.

I don't know how to proceed. Did anyone else feel in their heart something (something even addressed with a therapist) but an attorney tried to persuade them otherwise? I think I just have to find a new attorney, but am having a hard time trusting myself with my decision. The therapist has also suggested being honest with my husband, whereas my attorney says the opposite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 4:12pm

I am an atty and don't see myself as in the position to be a marriage counsellor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 4:31pm
I agree, musiclover. Every time we have gone to counseling he basically spews out all these things he wants to work on and how he feels terrible for not having done them correctly in the past. Then we get out of counseling and works on them for a little while, but then again decides they are not "him" and that I have to accept him for who he is. I see his point, but it makes the counseling useless. Our therapist has said we have a pattern of him being in control and me just sitting back and listening, which is evidenced by the fact that I told him numerous times to move out and he said no, and then convinced me that I was making a huge mistake and that I need to get back into counseling to fix my problems. Ugh. Sometimes these childhood issues really mess me up and make me feel like a kid all over again when I should really be focusing on being an adult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 7:00pm

My STBX has said things that I have a problem, especially when I would express my anger or confront him with something, like spending 20 hours on the computer in a weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 1:05am

If as you say, you are still in love with an EX, haven't gotten over him and your H knows this, it won't matter what your H does or what any counsellor says, your marriage won't work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-1999
Sun, 07-27-2008 - 2:55pm

I have been with H for 11 years, married 6 years and are talking divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-28-2008 - 10:47am
Your DH is giving you a pretty clear message that you have to accept him the way he is because he is not interested in changing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-30-2008 - 11:41pm

My EX toyed with counseling.... NOT more than he actually did... but in the end I ended up telling him that he'd spent ALL HIS LIFE becoming the person that he was... the person that apparently he wanted to be because HIS life choices made him who he is.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~