follow up.. I can't do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
follow up.. I can't do it.
2
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 12:05pm

I posted earlier about giving my H a deadline.

I don't know what is wrong with me anymore. I do know that the weekend (this one coming up) will come and go and my H will still be there. He knows that I said but I also know that I will not stick to it. I know already that I will not "make" him leave.

I just grow more and more depressed everyday.. sad becuase I see what he is doing to my kids and to me. Sad, becuase I can't seem to get really angry or the backbone to make him stop. I just feel like I let him down, I should have done everything better.. We never talk anymore. He leaves me random notes about things.. Like he hopes me and my boyfriend are happy (I don't have one but he assumes I do), that I am "killing him" and breaking his heart by rejecting him. Friday night when my daughter's boyfriend dropped her off (my H hates the boyfriend and my daughter pretty much as well) they sat in our driveway for about 5 minutes, it was about 8:45. His car is all fixed up and kinda loud. Anyway my H was in bed.. he doesn't spend time in the living room with us. if I go in a room he leaves it. He usually just ends up in the bedroom watching TV by 7:00. Anyway he hears the Boyfriends car in the driveway and starts SCREAMING at the kids and I to get rid of him.. just swearing and yelling that he's going to wake the neighbors and that he is irresponsible for doing that. When all he is doing is saying goodnight to my daughter in our driveway and it's not even 9:00pm. My daughter comes in and the BF leaves. We are in the living room talking when my H comes out and starts screaming at me that I let the kids run my house and what a horrible person I am. He turns the TV up as loud as it will go and says that what we deserve for making all that racket outside.. Then he tells me that I am pushing him too much and that he's going to "do something" to the BF and the entire family.. he will end up in prision. Then he tells me that he hopes that I someday I end up with someone who has kids that treat me the "blank, blank" way that we treat him.. then he went to bed. That is the most that he has spoken to me in days.

Now he just leaves me these notes all the time. He leaves voice mails on my son's cell (my VM isn't set up) everytime I go out just swearing and asking where I am. Even though I tell him what I'm doing and invite him to go along. He just wants me to sit at home and wait on him but I can't do that anymore. He left me a note telling me what a horrible wife I was on Sunday because he hadn't eaten anything for 3 days becuase I wasn't home to cook for him. I took my son's to a carnival one evening this weekend (I invited him to go with us) but he won't.

The anxiety in the house is beyond belief but I still can't seem to let him go. I don't know what's wrong with me?? What more has to happen before I do something? I don't know if I expect him to change or not.. I don't know what i want. I don't love him, I can barely tolerate him anymore but still nothing changes.

I feel like I'm going crazy becuase I just can't seem to move!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 1:14pm

Rocket,


You're co-dependent. That means you feel responsible for your husband's feelings, needs, hurt, guilt, etc. That often happens when you're married to an alcoholic. You're so used to covering up for him, making excuses, and in trying to keep him from hurting himself, that you can't distinguish between his feelings and needs, and yours.


From everything you describe about how he's treating you, your children, and their friends, its pretty obvious he needs to leave. Yes, it's hard to "make" someone leave, but this situation definetly says he's got to go for you to get any peace of mind and find yourself again.


If you can't make him leave your home, then you need to take your kids and leave the maritial home. Period. Call the local domestic violence shelter and ask for help. You need to take this step. Nothing will change if you don't and the only message you send your kids by failing to stand up for yourself and for them is that it's OK for this guy to treat all of you like garbage.


AL-ANON is a great help. Make that call today. PLEASE.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:14pm

Rocket

you can do it. you must do it. there must be somewhere you can if he will not leave. there must be a womens shelter somewhere. what about work? do they have an employee assistance program that you can call? seek out some help from human resourses. he has drug you and your children down far enough.

wisdom is right, you are co-dependent. you need to stop, and do what you need to do. it hurts, terribly, he will make you feel guilty. but he is one person. you have yourself and your children to think about. he is not thinking about anyone else but himself.

please send me an email and let me know how you are.

what

what