forever hopeless

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
forever hopeless
4
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 2:48pm
After 20 something yrs & 2 grown kids, my husband took his mid life crises and left looking for the greener grass on the other side of the hill. He's been gone now for over 6 years. I went through the usual changes - the anger, confusion, anxiety, etc. I didn't make any moves or file for divorce because after giving it much thought, I realized I would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. So I just sat tight and attempted to go on with my life with or without him. I thought I was doing ok but after all this time, instead of my life getting better, I seem to be just settling into a depression. Its weird because when I attempt to go out and be around people, it makes me feel even worse. I realize thats when I feel his absence and see my hopeless situation even more. I listen to people talk about the vacations they're planning, the second houses they're buying, the weddings they're planning for their children, the gifts they received on valentines day from their spouses, etc. and I just feel more and more depressed. These are all the things that would have made my life complete and happy but I realize I can have none of them because my family has been torn apart. At a time in my life when I should be secure and financially set, I have more problems than ever. And being around people makes me feel more alone and isolated than when I actually am alone, if that makes any sense. I suppose I could go find a boyfriend as a replacement but I have no interest at all in dating. Its not like I can replace the missing part of my family with a stranger. I think I'm realizing after all this time that this man really did ruin my life even more than I would have thought possible. I will never get over what he did to me. I don't feel a part of anything anymore. I feel as though I've been displaced and don't fit in anywhere. I just don't know what to do. I went to a support group in the beginning and I went for counseling a few times, but none of that is going to change my situation so it didn't help long term. Well, I guess I just wanted to express myself and see if anyone feels the same. If anyone has some words of wisdom please let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 2:56pm

I think you should give counseling another try. It isn't going to change your circumstances, but it will help change your perspective. Unless you want to stay miserable, the only way you are going to find happiness is for you to find out what you want in your life (things you can give yourself) and go achieve those things. Right now you are stuck. You want to blame him (and you have the right to do that) but it's not going to turn your life around. He can only ruin your life if you give that power to him (it doesn't cause him any more pain that you can't move on, but it does cause you an awful lot of heartache). If you take control of your life you can be happy again. It takes time and the help of a good counselor is absolutely necessary.

Edit: just to comment on the title of your post... if you believe that, that is what you will be... forever hopeless. If you believe you have the power to turn your life around and be happy again, you will find the strength you need to do that for yourself.

You are right that finding a boyfriend will not help fill the void. The only one that can fill the void is you.




Edited 3/9/2005 2:59 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 4:34pm

I agree with FA. Give counseling another try. I have been going for the last six months and I am finally able to start working on some of my issues. I have spent the last six months talking about the terrible things my stbx was doing to me and forgot to address my issues in the divorce. It doesn't change the fact that I am angry at his cheating and leaving, but I need to work on me to move on. I can do nothing to fix my ex.

Also, can you focus on your children? I know they are grown, but maybe you can see them more often and spend more time with them. I know I relish every moment I have with my three year old. It is different for you with grown children, but it might help to remember the good thing you still have from your marriage.

Lastly, have you considered joining a support group? I have just started going to a group once a week and find it really helpful to be around other people in my situation. I was always thinking I was the only one feeling sad about the same things you talked about -- no valentines gift, no vacation, no one to love or go out with on Friday nights - but it turns out, I am not alone. It has really helped me to hear other stories and to gain some insight from others pain and struggles.

Don't let your ex run your life. You are the only person that can make you happy.
Hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 6:44pm
Hi Abbydo2004,
You may as well of been telling my story, although you are alot further along then I am. I was married for 20 years and my husband decided, like yours, that the grass would be greener on the other side. Except the other side was with my "best friend". He was tired of being financially sunk and she offered him security. You see, she has alot of money as well as alot of kids (14 to be exact). We have 2 together, 16 & 18. He left a year ago this month. We were divorced in October and he married her in November. I guess he wanted to secure his position as the kids new dad and be financially set for himself. In the meantime, he has written off his old life. We had our issues and I have seen the things I did wrong in our marriage, but for him to completely ignore our kids is a shame. You have been going through this for 6 years? To be honest with you, I hope that I don't dwell on this for that long. I am still having trouble getting over the divorce. My ex was my whole life and it is difficult to call him my ex. I thought he was my everything, my whole life. I lay in bed at night thinking about him. Yes, I am jealous that now he has everything he ever wanted material wise & the fact that he is no longer struggling financially, while I sit in my tiny apartment and try and make ends meet. I do not receive support from him. He claimed he was disabled when we were going through the divorce and since he didn't have to work any longer, there was nothing to fight on that account. Long story but when it came down to it, I didn't want to fight something that I couldn't afford to fight. You and I should commiserate together. Let me know what you have been through for the last 6 years. I'd like to hear about your ups and downs. I'm sure you have some "ups" and I think you need to focus on those, as I do. Let me know if you want to e-mail one on one. We could help each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 6:49pm

Hello and welcome!


First off, HUGS!!!! I am so sorry you are going through this and have gone through this for so long. We all have experienced what you have in one way shape or form and we all can certainly feel where you are coming from.


I think the other posters are right when they suggested counceling. I also think that maybe involving more time with your children will help as well.


Someone once told me, you can't truly be happy unless you are truly happy with yourself. I believe that wholeheartedly and live by that everyday. No one can "make you". You make you and you are responsible for who you are..... by saying that I mean that your husband did not make you who you are, missing his presence when you are with other people is purely circumstantial. The anger and resentment is all NORMAL. BUT, there is no way you can move on unless you get help from someone neutral. Counceling does take time. There is no "NOW" answer..... Please give it another chance :) As one of the other posters said, it took her 6 months! Counceling is one way you can begin to take back your life. It is one way to work through the anger and resentment.....


I will say that even I have anger and hatred towards the man that "left us"...... he is responsible for my life right now in a third person kind of way, but I am NOT making the decision to spiral downward with him. What he did to us ( myself and my kids ) is unforgivable. Leaving is not an option and I can look at myself as a BETTER person for standing here, on my own, with my 3 children.


Look for things to feel good about. Change your way of thinking.... instead of saying.... My life is so bad becauuuuuuuuuse....... say..... WOW! It's a beautiful sunny day and that makes me feel good. Once you "train" yourself to think good things instead of bad...... your on your way.


So those people always talk about the gifts they got from their SO's...... well so what! You know what you got to do on Valentine's day???? Whatever the heck you wanted to! No being mad because "someone" forgot, no being mad because "someone" bought you a vaccuum for V-day instead of diamonds.... you get the picture ;)


If you ever need a cheerleading squad.... we are all here :)


As always, Hugs,


Angelena