Forgive or not forgive????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2008
Forgive or not forgive????
13
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 10:36am

This is the first time I have posted on this board.....so here goes my story.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 11:05am

It's one thing to forgive someone for having an affair, for instance, if they can promise not to do it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 3:49pm

Hmmmm - you started off by saying that your marital strife was due to his secret. However at the very end, you say that you are tired etc.? So what is the real issue? Seems to me like you are trying to have your cake & eat it to. You want to blame him for not telling you about something that you say you would've never married him over & yet you still stay with him? Maybe you being tired is b/c you are fighting a losing battle here - what was it the counselor said...beating a dead horse?


Was this a one time incident in the past or does your husband need help with sexual illness?


Make a decision concerning the whole situation & move forward with that. Either be a happly married/functional family

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2008
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 5:16pm

As far as I know it was a one time action of his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2008
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 5:35pm

First of all can I say OUCH!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 7:30pm

As far as attacking - no, that was not my intention. I simply read what you wrote, formed an opinion & gave some feedback. Everyone comes to this board for different reasons. Some people come for the support - yes - and others come to it for advice concerning getting another point of view or feedback.


I personally don't care too much for the sympathy route here. I usually sympathize w/myself enough to get that job done.


I've also had replies before & didn't care for the feedback or thought it was harsh - but in reality, realized it was what I needed to hear - whether I liked it or not.


Your friends/family aren't going to tell you the truth. You can go to them for sympathy or support - so why isn't that good enough & you felt the need to reach out further - hmmm...


The fact is, it's your marriage - your life - you choose how to live it & the quality of it. And all I know is that staying in a place of fear, doubt, worry etc. is a painful nightmare - and much more painful than anything that I had to say.


I was a victim of sexually abuse growing up as well - and honestly - I didn't need sympathy concerning it. When I became older, I was able to process the experience and separate that experience from anyone telling me that it was part of anything that had anything to do w/me or had to be some reoccurring tape played out in my life over & over. It wasn't my issue - I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time w/out anyone to protect me. And I have forgiven the person who suffered from sexual issues & disease - understanding & even loving this person in spite of it. It was part of my own spiritual growth & evolution as a human being. So your answer - yes - forgive - it's the only thing that will set you free from any of this.


People are very quick to judge others - just as you say - walk in my shoes. I wasn't judging you in the reply, however I was telling you how I view the position you are in. In reality you are judging your husband when you weren't there & don't know all the facts. Have you talked to your husband concerning what happened? Have you made an informed decision concerning his mental stability, offered to seek council or other guidance - together. You are married - meaning his issues are yours. But I often think we forget that in marriage - otherwise how would people be able to point the finger & blame?


You don't have control over anyone else or their situation - only you & yours. Your power lies w/in the decisions you make. When decisions are fear based - they are powerless.


If you don't believe that your husband is a "bad" guy, then why are you choosing to w/hold love from him - yet seemingly keep profiting from you guys living in the same household. It simply seems from my view point - you are thinking more about yourself than you are thinking of him or even your children. What is it doing to them in teaching them that their father isn't lovable & has to sleep in their room?


Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-02-2008 - 12:50pm

Dear Laurel:


I'm glad you were able to get past being abused and even forgiving the person who did it to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 06-02-2008 - 5:39pm

Molestation & sexual abuse is a taboo topic in this country. And unfortunately - because it's not talked about frequently enough or in

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
Mon, 06-02-2008 - 7:28pm
First of all, I want to welcome you to this site. I found it three months ago and it has helped me tremendously. A lot of the decisions I have made, have been because of the support I have received here. Please don't abandon the site, there are a lot of very caring people here, and some who probably have experienced what you are going through. That is what I found so amazing--we all have our stories--and a lot are similar. Musiclover has some great points to consider in her post--she is a great source of support here. Please re-read her post, and take with a grain of salt the ones that you do not think are very supportive for you--but remember everyone has a story (and a background that has some hurting in it).
Take care of yourself and follow your heart, but make sure you deal with the "practical" as well as the "emotional" issues you need to before you leave your dh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 10:07am

Laurel,


I really agree that there is no point to holding onto anger and that it only really hurts the person who is angry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 10:42am

Agh - Liz - yes the very important emotion of anger. Yes - you are exactly right. Anger does serve the purpose of creating change. But just like anything else - too much of it, can destroy you. Unfortunately people aren't always aware of their "emotional intelligence". And they just go through the motions, not having control of them. That's what anger management is all about & alot of men could benefit from those classes. It's not just men who were victimized at one point in their lives - but also those who weren't allowed to express their emotions like sadness etc.


I am very conscious when it comes to men, their anger & how it is a part of their lives. You should pick up on signs of anger very early on in a relationship & see how the man deals with it. Of course - live & learn - huh?


I think we as women can also be very passive-aggressive. I know I am at points. Like you said - you teach people how to treat you - so. When someone does something to me that is "less than" in some way - sometimes I have a tendency to not deal w/it at the time. Of course then things compile to the point where I can react in a negative way that is non-deserving to the other person. So that is something I am becoming more & more aware of as well.


It's all a process I suppose - and once again. All about education - yet for some reason they don't teach you this important life changing stuff in school ;l


Laurel

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