Forgive or Stay Mad and Hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Forgive or Stay Mad and Hurt?
20
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 6:59am

All,


I am wondering about how all of you are doing with regard to forgiveness. We hear so much about being spiritual, and letting go. But on the other hand there is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 10:03pm

OK from someone totally objective-I don't have young kids-there is not an OW that I know of-I went back and reread all the postings

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 10:28pm

I was not the original poster of the question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 11:09pm

Dear babyboohunk,

My parents divorced when I was 2.5. They both remarried within a few years, and my dad had 3 more children with my stepmom. My father is now deceased, but I definitely felt "replaced" by his new kids. It wasn't the stepmom that bothered me, it was the new kids. And, don't get me wrong, I love my half-brothers and half-sister, but it took me about 12 years to come to terms with the fact that I felt replaced. I think the part that most made me feel this way is that he never pushed to have us around. So, it seemed like he didn't care about us at all.

Have you and your STBX been to any kind of therapy together? Will he go? On one hand, I think it is healthy for your kids to start realizing that mommy and daddy will NOT be getting back together (as hard of a lesson as that is to learn). On the other hand, if the fiancee (yes, I realize you must be fuming, especially since you're not even divorced yet...I totally get that) is disturbing your children, your STBX really needs to acknowledge that and do what is appropriate. I am sure that on a practical and financial level, the decision for her to live with your STBX makes sense. Obviously he is having a hard time figuring out a balance between personal happiness and responsible parenting. (Why did I feel like there was a general "year rule" to introducing the kids to a new love interest?!?!?) I'm just afraid that your STBX will make the wrong decision and if he is told that his fiancee cannot be around the kids, that instead of making her disappear, he will have the kids around less. I would think that not ever seeing their dad would be worse for the kids than seeing him with another woman.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things get worked out soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 11:47pm

Woa You really

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Sun, 06-15-2008 - 11:51pm
I'm very sorry-I misread and jumped in where I should not have. I do understand your frustration and anger-I am too new to the message board to have intervened. As a retired teacher I do worry about kids getting caught up in things they don't understand. It does seem like you have legitimate concerns and are helping the kids by getting them involved in counseling and ensuring they see their father. Please accept my apologies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 7:25am
Forgiveness is a process...sometimes a lifelong one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2007
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 10:23am
...actually, I am speaking from the point of view of a 6 year old whose father was unhappy in his marriage, left my mother for what turned out to be my future step-mother...my mother remained bitter her entire life...it was SHE that kept the negativity in my life...it was SHE that expressed through her actions (like not letting me see him at the beginning of the separation because he was living with his girlfriend)...I don't remember the thoughts that I formed at the time...but, as an adult, when I look back 35 years, I see that it was best that they separated...and, it was best that I felt welcomed and wanted by the girlfriend/future step mother and her children...I couldn't be responsible for my mother's hurt feelings, though I felt at the time that I had to tell her that I didn't like the girlfriend/children...in order to spare her feelings...it would have been best if she would have put in an effort to spare mine...also, I have a quick question...how are you able to with hold visitation?...in Kentucky...having a live in girlfriend is not considered an inappropriate situation and with holding visitation would be seen as custodial interference...and, perhaps the beginning of parental alienation if the children are only allowed in situations that you approve of (I am not talking about unsafe conditions, abuse, substance abuse....)...especially this woman remains a part of his life...just curious...






















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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 11:26am

ME TOO!


Married 17 years. Husband has anger issues and money issues. Spends like a drunken sailor. Kids/family not priority, all the time, HE is his priority.He is not a grown up.


Well I found out why.


Turns out he is a CROSS DRESSER and has been LYING to me about it for YEARS. Spending money, going to clubs. Secrets and lies. He dropped this on me after 17 years and two kids who

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 11:31am

I admire you. You are working it out over time, you just don't see it!


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 1:58pm

Thank you for the supportive words!

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