Forgiveness process
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Forgiveness process
| Mon, 09-12-2005 - 1:13pm |
Hi all...
Lately I have been thinking that I need to really work on forgiving the ex so that I can totally move on past the hurt/pain/betrayal/bitterness of the divorce. I so much wish to not have angry thoughts. Resentment only hurts me.
Are there specific actions that ya'll have taken that have allowed you to fully forgive? I can't forget or condone, but I don't want to be controlled by the past anymore.
Cupcake

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Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. I haven't been much of a journaller in the past, maybe I should try again. I DO read all the time and will seek out some knowledge that way. Now that I don't have the full-time job of caring for the kids, I have the TIME to get more active and pursue some hobbies/classes, etc. I will do more of that. I LOVE Dr. Phil's idea (sometimes I find him callous) of making a conscious daily decision to forgive. I've come to the conclusion that my ex is emotionally disabled and incapable of real empathy, so other people's feelings don'e even register to him--only his own. I think I've come to a point where I can feel compassion and sadness for that.
Some people thrive on anger and chaos--I'm SO not one of them. I need peace. I choose peace now.
Thanks everybody.
I love this song by Alanis Morissette.
Hard to believe to find myself on this site. I know that this is mainly a site for women. But, in dealing with relationships..I do not feel that Forgiveness is or should be discrimanated. Because much blame of failed marriages/relationships comes to one's doorstep.
After an attempt to work on our marriage for the past two years...I would have to put much of the blame on me for things I did not do or things WRONG that I did do. It seems for legit reason for me to have shut the wife out...cause after the first seperation as difficult as it was for me to deal with...I was hurt, but willing to work on our relationship. But soon after re-united...she met some man online, from all places at parenting here in Ivillige...and they started a relationship...tho she claims is solely a friendship type of relationship...although the emails I read from her to him...indicated lots of her feeling towards him...and she responded by saying those are the feelings that I wanted to convey to you. Ummm.
I believe for the past two years, I choose not to forgive...although is was really hard to forget. So, what stupid thing I did wrong? I went outside the circle of our relationship and thought that meeting some people online (since I do not like bars). That if someone listened and heard me...it would be so wonderful. What I mistake that was. And perhaps, I wanted the wife to catch me doing it...way of getting back at her. Well she did...and what a waste of energy to get her back this way...to hurt her. Instead, I should had devoted more time on forgiveness and to work on the positive, to be a partner with her.
As now is too late. She does not want me...in fact she hates me, for I now want to really work on us...when she said that she has worked hard in shutting any feelings for me. I seems the worked at it from several years ago and never got them feelings back.
I still do not know how to deal with the notion of her being with another man. To be alone after 20 years of being with her and 2 sons. To deal with my own lies for the past 2 years. I will be checking on some counselors and support group today. I am so tensed, to the point that my chest seems to want to burst out. I never really cried, but even finding myself doing so on the way to the office..hating my life!!!
I just pray and hope to be able to forgive her...and self in order to be at peace within.
Good wishes to all of you on this journey.
Rob
HI Rob..... Welcome to the board, although I'm always sad to see when someone needs to find their way here.
Ya know, I always say, "what you repress will become stress".... so let those emotions out.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I guess the pain of a failed marriage is not gender-specific. I'm glad you're willing to talk (er, write) about it--most men won't or can't. That will only help you to heal.
Since I've made this decision to take the action to forgive, I feel almost as if I have almost surgically removed a fetid tumor of resentment. I'm really glad to do this.
Cry if you need to, get counselling, read books about recovery, journal, do something physical, get more socially active. Do whatever it takes to regain your peace of mind.
I recommend a book called "Joint Custody with a Jerk" (author, Whitman, I think--if I remember correctly). It discusses how to forgive your ex in order to move on successfully with your own life.
Good luck to you in your journey toward a "grudge-ectomy" and know that you're not alone in your feelings. Definitely act on your plan to get a counsellor and join a support group.
Cupcake
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