Forgot to add something....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Forgot to add something....
6
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:44am
I wanted to ask something. What do some of you do when you desperately want to leave a marriage situation but can't? Currently I am a SAHM who hasn't worked in a permanent job for a while. I am going back to school, but the learning will take up to three years. I am also looking for a job at the moment. But my question is: are there a lot of you out there who have wanted to leave a situation but couldn't for a while? How did you guys handle that? I figure that I will stay out of his way and look for a job, try to save up for a while. I also realized today how much of myself I'm repressing. If it were up to me, I'd have two parakeets, two dogs a house full of live creatures, (turtles, fish,etc.) lots of plants, etc. and so on. There is a huge part of me that is not expressed in my house because I don't want to deal with him. Also, I want to buy things for the house and I keep having to stop myself because he"ll say, not now and stuff like that. When I'm on my own with the kids, even if I had a spare $5, I'm thinking at least I could spend it as I see fit. What do you all think of that? Please tell me your experiences on how it felt to wait till you get a divorce (like one, two years), and did any of you feel that you repressed yourself thru your home, because you didn't want to deal with your hubby? I'm sorry I've been posting here a lot, but I find that's it's so refreshing to get it all out after repressing it for so long. tia
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 4:40am

well, if you ask me, the question is what is "REALLY" wrong with your marriage, and is it something that is "fixable". sometimes people are in a bad relationship/marriage and they get out of the relationship and go into another one that is just as destructive, and on and on (ask me how i know!), without really dealing with the REAL ISSUES. so - before you consider divorce, then ask yourself if *this* can be fixed. and sometimes you need to fix YOU ---- even if you end up getting divorced anyway.


living with someone you hate, detest, can't stand, don't love, etc is very very hard, if you ask me its even more difficult than just being in a bad marriage - because when you KNOW that you are leaving "eventually" - it just makes it harder to stay one more day, let alone a few years.


but what you are describing sounds like there are alot of bad habits going on between you, and i wonder if anything can be fixed. when i say "fixed" i mean both of you accepting the responsibility for your lives and going to therapy. for example, if you are living with him in the same house, and YOU want to have pets and HE doesnt - then unless he has some weird allergies - you should be able to COMPROMISE and figure out a way that will be fine for everyone. you are not doing anyone any favors by constantly repressing how you feel (and believe me i know EXACTLY what you are talking about - BTDT).


before i made the decision to divorce - i tried to work on the marriage and then, when my ex decided that *he* doesn't need to continue going to therapy because *he* doesn't have any issues..... i continued working on *me* and *my* issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 4:54am
Sorry to say this but your response sounded a little like an attack. I didn't post here to get an opinion whether or not I should divorce, because that is imminent, I pretty much posted here to get opinions on how to handle things till that happens. I am a person who works on myself constantly, while he just tries to dump himself on me. Saying that we both have acquired bad habits in this marriage sort of irks me because 1)you don't know me or the nature of our marriage and 2)I have written here before and in other boards regarding our marriage but you seem to have come to a conclusion from just this one post. Anyone who knows me knows what a wonderful person I am with a good heart, and anyone who knows him considers him cold-hearted, not deep and many people ask me how I got together with him since I am such a spiritual person and he seems somewhat superficial. The only one so far who has been working on this marriage has been me. I love people and animals and I have had to battle him regarding getting animals in our home. So please don't judge before you get all the facts. And by the way, we have gone to therapy before and the therapists pretty much concluded that he was not doing his part in the marriage. I think it's a little annoying of you to tell me if I should even get a divorce in the first place. That wasn't the challenge I expressed in the writing of this post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 6:01am

i apologize - i had no intention of attacking you or judging you and i am sorry if that's how it seemed to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 6:15am

Hello,

I am somewhat in your same boat. Except, I have alot of debt becuase of credit put in my name.
Good luck , I feel for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:52pm
I haven't been in your shoes, but have you talked to an attorney? Often times the finances can be arranged so that you get alimony and continue to go to school. You both will have to make some lifestyle adjustments, because supporting one household on one income is hard, two households on one income is even harder - but for me that would not be nearly as big of a challenge as staying in a bad marriage for years. JMHO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 1:59pm
I am wondering why you got so defensive? I think it is unrealistic to expect someone to read any and all posts you might have made, and all sk1960 was doing was giving you her thoughts based on your post and her experience, and it was not malicious or even negative. Personally, when someone reads a post and misunderstands or clearly doesn't have all the information, I feel it is better to simply clarify rather than assume you were being attacked. Your reply makes it sound like you are the most perfect person and I'm wondering if you feel the bad things in your marriage are things you are a part of, or if they are things that are happening *to* you? Nearly all of us have some amount of work to do on ourselves during and after a divorce, IMHO, even if it's just to understand why we picked such a poor mate and why we tolerated it for so long.

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