Found out he's having an affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
Found out he's having an affair
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 12:02pm

My STBX and I have had problems for over a year. He told me that we lost the love we used to have and that, while he still loves me, he didn't know that we would ever reconnect again. We've been in marriage counciling for about 8 months and have had our ups and our downs. Though, he continuously told me that he wants to make our marriage work. 

He told me on Thursday night that he is no longer in love with me and wants a divorce. Obviously, I am devastated and terrified because we have two kids that are going to suffer because of this. He makes twice as much as I do and I'm concerned that the divorce will hurt me and the kids financially while he'll be just fine. 

For a long time, I've believed that he is having an affair with his single, female boss. I believe this because he's very sneaky about his phone and text messages. We share an account and I can see how often and what time they text each other. It happens all hours of the day and night. over 800-900 messages per month!! Of course, he deletes them as soon as they're sent or recieved. 

Last night I came up behind him as he was reading one from her and he tried to clear out his iPad before I could read it. I was able to open it and it said "I hope you can get some sleep tonight, honey. I'll see you tomorrow" Devastated again!! Now it all makes sense...why he has given up on us. 

I am already looking for apartments for the kids and I to go to since I'll have them 50% of the time and I cannot afford to stay in the house. Heck, I'll barely (IF at all) be able to afford an apartment. This whole situation just isn't fair to me or, especially, my kids. They have been so happy and now their worlds are going to be crushed because their daddy couldn't actually try to save their family but, instead, decided to sleep with his boss

I dont know what to do..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2013
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 3:08pm

Sorry to hear you are in such a bad place. I am not a lawyer but, wouldn't he need to pay you spousal support? I wish I had some advice but I don't. Marriage works but only when both parties are interested. I would go to as much counseling as you can afford to get professional help to make the right decision for you and your kids.

You can not raise healthy kids when one parent is committed to someone else. Then, your kids will eventually leave, and you are going to be 10 or 15 years older.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-20-2013 - 7:35pm

The first thing you need to do is consult a lawyer--in my state, it's a no fault state, so him having an affair isn't necessarily going to get you more money, but the fact that he makes a lot more money than you do would--first he would have to pay child support anyway and depending on how long you have been married, maybe alimony.  In addition, you are entitled to a division of assets which means if you truly couldn't afford the house, maybe it will have to be sold and you would get half the equity.  But you won't know until you investigate this--you should NOT be moving out--tell him to get out and keep paying the mortgage until you can figure out what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 9:41am

I agree with Music.. Do not leave your marital home .. Go to a lawyer for sure and tell them all of the details..

Your husband has done something wrong and you and your kids should not suffer for it.. Dont let husband get away with having your family disrupted.. This isnt your fault so yes get into counseling for yourself and get stronger .. Find a good divorce support group and go and be with people who are going through the same thing. Lean on whoever you can in this time of need..

log onto a site..       see what you find if you are in the states..

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 5:17pm

Sorry to hear things are ending this way for you.  

But like the others have said, don't leave the marital home.  I am not a lawyer, but it is my understanding that unless you are being physically abused, stay, stay, stay until things are sorted out.  If you move out, it will be harder to prove you need spousal support.  And even if a person doesn't need, or "deserve" SS, it is much harder to get your possesions out of the house, etc. etc.  

I have a GF who moved out of the home and she immediately lost her job.  Oh, how she wishes her attorney had told her to stay!!!  

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 1:51am

The others are right. You and the kids should not have to leave the security of your home when he's the one that wants to tear apart the family apart. You don't want him to turn around and tell his lawyer that YOU took the kids and left HIM. This could make things look favorable for him. I would talk to my lawyer and ask if your H could be made to let you and the kids stay in the house and made to continue to pay the mortgage at least until the divorce becomes final and the house is sold so you can get your half of the equity in the house. Then as the others said, and since you only earn half as much as him, you should be able to collect child support on the kids and possibly alimony. Stay put and Good Luck