Fresh divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fresh divorce
3
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:26pm
Well things have been moving at such a rapid pace that it's difficult to take it all in.
Saturday a week ago my husband and I decided to get a divorce. It was sudden and it wasn't. I had given him an ultimatum a couple months ago about his addiction to pain killers and my issue with the use of alcohol in conjunction with the narcotics. 3 weeks ago I found new pills and realized that he had been drinking pure liquor while taking this medication. A family member died 2 weeks ago from doing this very act so it set things in motion.
I know that I made the right decision, but it's very fresh and difficult to see that 100 percent of the time. My husband and I have and always were deeply in love and connected. Other then the addiction our marriage was wonderful. He has been addicted for 2 years because of a back injury.
He moved out last thursday and we haven't spoken since. The divorce is final on the 9th of november. Very quick paperwork. Days have been extremily difficult. It's hard for me not to call him, or contact him. He wanted to keep open dialog and I gave resistance. I know that if I continue to talk with him and have a relationship then I might back slide or worse, never get over him.
I know all the tricks so to speak. I know to keep busy, keep around loved ones. It helps but,..
I've never felt so isolated. That's why I came here, I know that all of you have had to go through divorces, or are still in the process. I've never felt pain run so deep. I've kept my strength, but my heart is tired.
I have to prepare myself now for the court date. It will be the first and last time that I see him. I'm still in shock.
Sai
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
In reply to: saisai3826
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:57pm
I understand your decision. Are you sure? Alot of people with addictions can recover. Do you still love each other? Or is he to far gone in your opinion?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: saisai3826
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:09pm

Hi Sai.... glad you're here!


As far as nascarnutt's comment about people with addictions recovering.... well, I think that sometimes they do... but in order for them to do that for themselves, they have to hit rock bottom and climb back up on their own terms... not because you're waiting in the wings to support them and see if they make it.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: saisai3826
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 1:28am
I suppose that everything is not as simple as it seems in a summary. My husband has relapsed three times in the past year and half. He has manipulated the situation as far as I’ll allow it to go. I feel that there are parts of me that wonder if I couldn’t have pushed more, or helped him in other ways. This is hard to dispute because after giving him my ultimatum he decided that he wanted to move immediately, knowing that I couldn’t go with him. I’m currently heading up a grant project which is my dream and very important to the community. He knows that it’s not an option for me to leave this position. He also made the decision that with or without me he was willing to make the move. This with no doubt was a consequence of my ultimatum, and since I gave him the option of speaking with a professional and allowing them to voice their opinion, he refused to do so and decided to run away.
So yes, I did feel that there was hope, he and I had something that is not easy to give up. I also had to and still am dealing with the truth and scary reality of the situation. He is seriously putting himself in danger. I won’t allow myself to be a part in that any longer. Even if that means that I have or had to leave him as a consequence of it. Suddenly, he now feels that he doesn’t have an addiction. All of his terribly reckless behavior is nothing.
As far as him having to hit bottom, I addressed that issue. I told him that if giving the life that we’ve made for ourselves up wasn’t hitting bottom, I fear what hitting bottom will have to be for him.
This has been a horribly difficult decision, and still is everyday. I suppose all of us at least for a few minutes a day question the decisions we’ve made. Especially when our hearts disagree with logic. I do know though, that I have to do what’s best for him, and for myself. No matter how painful. For him to save himself, he has to loose everything, including me.
Thank you for your advice, it’s comforting to hear opinions from others that are in or have been in equally difficult situations.
I know that the road ahead is going to be a hard path, and I’m comforted by knowing that people have traveling similar journeys.
Sai