Friends after Divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Friends after Divorce?
16
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 7:41am
First of all, in reading some of the posts on here I am tremendously sorry for everything everyone has been through on this board. And I wish you all well in finding your paths back to feeling whole.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 9:41am

Becca,


Being "friends" with your STBX and eventually your EX is a good goal. Just don't ascribe to it right away. Divorce is a legally and emotionally adversarial action. You're going to be on opposite sides of a court scene. So don't look for friendship right now. Neither one of you can be objective about this.


Good luck,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Learn to spell. Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


They're = contraction of "they are"; They're going to the store.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 6:39pm

I thought I could remain good friends with my ex of 26 yrs. We have a 20 yr old son together, and have been separated for 4 yrs now.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 7:40am

Thanks so much for all the valuable info.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 10:25am

i believe that you can still be friends after divorce, as that is my current goal as well.

but it doesn't mean that sometimes i won't have the anger inside that bubbled up so much inside of me during our marriage.

i still think that he is a great person, really, but i could not be his wife, not for a second longer than i was.

i plan on seeking professional counseling once i have better health-insurance, have you looked into it as well?

just a thought! all the best!

-lisa-








life isn't always by the book....


http://life-by-the-book.blogspot.com



life isn't always by the book....
http://life-by-the-book.blogspot.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 10:30am

I was going on swimmingly, missing only the living together, until he met this woman, then BAM! thats when I was really hit with the realization of the end.


I have come to that conclusion also that he never really loved me, that this relationship with this woman was something that he has wanted for awhile, waiting i guess until she was free from the relationship.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 7:30pm

What a beautiful post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 11:01am

There are really some great posts here! I'm coming from the other side of the fence somewhat then most of the ladies in this post as I was the one who decided it was time to leave. Of course like most women I was also the one who tried so hard for so many years to make the marriage work, its just that in this case I was the one who accepted first that it wasn't going to work. The fact is though, even when you were the one making the decision and walking out, all the same factors are there. You are still terrified of loosing your friend, and also more sure that they'll hate you and never want to be your friend again because you left them. It took me over half a year from the time I knew I'd eventually leave to work up the courage to do it, and frankly if there hadn't been some serious outside pressure from friends and family and therapist (who all knew this is what i wanted) I might still not have done it.

Now he's begging me to try to work on it more, that he's changed, and it saddens me because I know he still doesn't understand why I've left, though I have tried to tell him again and again. He is asking me for more time now, perhaps just more time to accept it, and this I'm willing to give, though I am always afraid it will just make him hurt more. Evening more hindering any chance of a future friendship. The wonderful thing I'm seeing in a lot of your posts here is that even though most of you weren't the decision makers your starting to see the good side of being free of a relationship that just wasn't working, even though you miss that person terribly. I'm sure they miss you too, its just that when you are the one who makes the decision to leave you have a head start on the process of accepting, and head start on the process of grieving.

I hope my husband and I can be friends again in the future, though I know it won't be best friends. I would be content to be able to run into him and to have us both be glad to see each other and have a nice talk. I do believe though that there needs to be a complete period of seperation so that you can come back together on new terms. If you try to continue to be friends right out of the gate of a marriage then you'll bring all your old expectations, and hurts with you. Even though I am more emotionally removed from my husband then he is from me right now, because I've accepted the ending of the marriage and he hasn't, I am still hurt when he tells me of something he did that would have affected our marriage. A trivial example is the first time I went back to our apartment after the seperation I saw that he'd put in a shower. We'd been there two years with only an old bath tub and I'd asked him many times to put in a shower but there was always a reason he couldn't, in only a few weeks of me being gone he did it, so I thought "Ah, he always could have done it, he just didn't want to do it for me", then I was angry at him. I'm sure if I'd come to visit after being gone for a year, I probably wouldn't have had any reaction to that shower. My point is, I guess, that you need to be over the hurt before you can be friends again. If you come back together as friends after you've both started dating others its easier to accept then when one of you does it first.

My goal is to try to end the marriage with as little scarring as possible, so a friendship could be a possiblility in the future if both of us want it to be then. Iladyja here said "its all about letting go" and I've finally realized that it truly is. Things just get better the more you let go needing a particular outcome. The other day I finally truly understood the old saying "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you its yours, if it doesn't it never was" it isn't just about a person, but also ideas and desires. If you hold onto a person, idea or desire too tightly you stifle it's ability to grow. Letting go doesn't mean losing, it means allowing the possibily of having all the right things come into your life.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 11:55am

Wow, what a beautiful post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 1:00pm

Wow, I really feel a connection with you now, it sounds like we are learning some similar life lessons right now. I'm definately going to check out that author you suggested.

About the shower - you are probably right as to his intentions. To me though it was symtomatic of all of our relationship problems, he is only willing to try to fix something after it's broken, he never was willing to do actual maintenance to keep it working. Whenever I tried to talk to him about our problems he would bluff and say "If I felt that way I should leave" well, now I know it was a bluff designed to make me to afraid to leave, but I didn't for a long time, he led me to believe I had only two options, stay and deal with it, or leave. When I took option two believing there were no others he got what a friend of mine called "sellers remorse" and wants to take it back. He actually said to me once "I didn't think you'd call my bluff". Well, how do you react to that? He'd bluffed so well I believed him completely, now its too late.

You are right that if we could all communicate openly and honestly with one another most problems in relationships and the world in general could be avoided, but human nature seems to make that unrealistic. I noticed in our last year of marriage that I started to act the way you describe many men acting when it comes to communicating. Holding it all in. When I got into the relationship I was a very open communicative person, but after years of having my requests, plans, pleas falling on deaf ears, I just clammed up. I couldn't make him understand but I could lesson the pain of being ignored by refusing to talk. Now I'm going to have to unlearn this behaviour if I'm ever to have a successful relationship. At least I know now that if I can't tell someone how I feel, and get an honest reponse open to continuing disucssion from them, then I shouldn't be in that relationship. I'm still fairly young and do want another committed relationship, though I certainly don't feel the need to be married for marriage's sake anymore. I want a partnership and will be happy to find that whether its ever called a legal marriage or not.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 2:54pm

Regarding the shower........yea, you're right.

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