Friends with Ex?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Friends with Ex?
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Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:05pm

Do you guys really think it is possible to be friends with you Ex? I'm very conflicted. I do want to have a friendship with him but, I feel sometimes foolish for wanting that. I told him ds and I were going to a festival on Sat and he said let's go to the mountains instead to do this ghost train thing. That's like a whole day thing and I'm suspicious. I don't think he is doing it for my ds, I think he wants to remind me what we used to have. We do have a good time together, I just don't trust him, never have. Do any of you do "family" type things with you ex?

Thanks,
Jessica

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:29pm

I don't want to be friends with my ex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:00pm

No, NEVER!!!!!!!!!!

And I can't see it ever happening.

Breakup was so horrible. It's all I can do to keep from throwing up when I have to see him at possession switch or at a kid function.

If I could have tolerated being around him, I might could have tolerated being married longer--till our little one was older, anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:26pm
Jessica, I am probably odd man out here so be patient. I want to be friends with my ex. For my children and for me. I know the likely hood of us ever getting back together is slim, but... I think it does my children good to see tht we aren't hating each other. My parents made it a living hell for us growing up. My Dad wouldn't come to my HS graduation because my Mom was there. I guess the gym wasn't big enough. My Mom was mad all during my wedding because my Dad was there. They fought like children all the time. I won't have that for my boys. Yes this was my ex's decision and I am still very hurt, but I will not take that hurt out on my children. We do things together. We will always be together because of the boys. It is also helping me to heal. I daydream about him coming home and of the times we were together. Seeing him almost daily keeps me from feeling quite so alone. Good Luck! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 1:45pm

Hi.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 2:01pm
I agree with first that your choices aren't just be friends or be enemies - there's lots of middle ground in between and you have to find out what works for you. I believe that until you are over your ex the best thing you can give yourself is some time and distance to heal. I spent time with my ex after we split as 'friends' and although we got along I don't think it was good for either of us. We needed to get closure on our relationship and start looking toward separate futures, and continuing to spend time together made that impossible for us. It was too hard for us to let go when we were still involved in each other's lives, so we stopped spending time together. Now, since we don't have kids and everything's finalized, we don't need to be in each other's lives anymore. We're not friends, but, despite the ton of water under that bridge, we're also not enemies. We can be in the same room and have a conversation without everyone around us realizing there's anything to notice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 2:28pm

Jessica, I'm separated from my husband since 12/04 and we're still friends, although no papers have been filed. Our younger son stays with him and i have the oldest. We often go out for dinner w/ the kids, monster truck events, etc. He invites me out to lunch during the workweek at least twice a week; he's planning a trip to Brookdale in the Poconos as a family. We always have a good time together. My issue w/it is a part of me wants us to reconcile which I too feel foolish for since he insists he doesnt want more now so why hang around so often?? I'm not sure whre his head is ya know? Does he do this for the kids or himself? He claims he & I can't be together for various reasons but he's carrying on as if we are. Very confusing. I try my best to enjoy the famililar w/o losing myself in the fantasy. I'm not sure if you want to maintain such closeness, but it can get emotionally tricky. You figure you're used to doing those things together for years so of course they're gonna seem natural, more or less, you just have to remember to take them for what they are, precious moments with your kids and a friend: your kid's father and your ex.

Now if I could only follow my own advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 3:07pm

Hi all,
I try to get along with my ex for the girls. He has the youngest living with him and I have the older 2. So we really don't talk about anything but them. so I don't talk tohim unless we are dicussing the kids.

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 4:48pm

You are singing my tune. I have the same situation with my STBX, but I don't necessarily have trust issues. I just don't like his controlling behavior. I don't mind being with him for the sake of the kids, taking them to special places, etc. For example, this Sunday we're going to a Pumpkin Festival that was an annual event for the last 3 years and we'll go together and we're taking ds to Disneyland for his birthday next month. I limit how often we do "family outings" (he'd do them every week but I only agree to once a month).

I think in our society we hear so much about "messy" divorces that it seems strange that one could actually get along with their ex but it does happen, and if you have kids, as you do, it sure makes it easier. If I didn't have kids, quite frankly, I would stay away from him LOL....

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 5:54pm
i don't think it's fair to the kids to do that -- it would get their hopes up. we are together for christmas morning and on the kids birthdays, we give them their gifts together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 5:57pm
No, definately not. Not with my ex anyway.

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