Friends with Ex?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Friends with Ex?
27
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:05pm

Do you guys really think it is possible to be friends with you Ex? I'm very conflicted. I do want to have a friendship with him but, I feel sometimes foolish for wanting that. I told him ds and I were going to a festival on Sat and he said let's go to the mountains instead to do this ghost train thing. That's like a whole day thing and I'm suspicious. I don't think he is doing it for my ds, I think he wants to remind me what we used to have. We do have a good time together, I just don't trust him, never have. Do any of you do "family" type things with you ex?

Thanks,
Jessica

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Registered: 07-27-2002
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 6:17pm

Jessica, My ex and I have been divorced for 8 yrs and we have tried to maintain a cordial relationship for our boys sake...and it has worked out great. We were married for 14 yrs and it was devastating for me when we broke up. I really just about 3 yrs ago could actually let go mentally, but trust me we have butted heads when it comes to the kids and still do once in a while. But we can talk and I still go to him if I have a problem with anything. We have always given him really nice Christmas presents, I think because he shells out ALOT in child support and has always been there for us.

I know people thinks it unusual, but they also think its very nice for the kids that we can maintain a good relationship for them. Its not always about us, because the kids never asked for any of this.. We have gone places together, not to much anymore because the boys are so much older and 2 drive now.there all teenagers, but he left when they were 4,6, and 8 yrs..But when our oldest Graduated this past summer...we all sat together and when pictures were taken we had some with the whole family together, which is nice when you think about it...The kids can have those photos for later in life to look back on ...It makes life so much easier and peaceful for your kids...AND ISN'T IT REALLY ABOUT THEM...Victoria

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:32pm
Friendly..... it's necessary with kids.... but not "friends".


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 07-20-2003
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 5:24pm
I, too, am struggling with this one. We've been seperated one month and havej 2 boys ages 5 and 6. He comes to our home every weekend, sleeps downstairs (I'm in the bedroom upstairs), but we spend our weekends like we always have. We take them to the movies, Putt-putt, out to meals, etc. We don't do things without the kids, but I'm wondering if this is making it harder on me to move forward. It's hard enough to "let go", but I am now wondering if it is harder to continue acting like a family when we are really no longer a "family". Hopefully, we will always be amicable, but sometimes I feel angry because I think to myself, here he is doing whatever he wants when out of town, then comes home and still gets to have his family like always. He wanted out, so I think it's time I took a stand and told him he needs to stay somewhere else on the weekends, but can still see the boys. That we can no longer do things as a "family" except birthdays and possibly holidays. My lawyer told me there will come a day anyway when I won't want him here every weekend and that to move on and get over him I need to prepare for this. My sons don't know yet that we are seperated as daddy has been moved out since August due to his job in the National Guard. I think this makes it easier on them as opposed to Daddy packing up and leaving due to the seperation. I don't know. I feel for your situation as I am in it too. Good Luck!
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Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 6:26pm
We can be "friendly" when he stops trying to sabotage my life and takes financial responsibility for his kids.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:48am
Thanks so much for all of your responses. I'm still conflicted. We did end up going to a festival here in town and then he offered to come over and put together a grill I had bought and cook out. I said ok. I rented a movie and we started watching it and he left before it was over to go out. It didn't really bother me that he went out but, I realized when we do the family stuff together it hurts more the next day. I don't really miss him all that much, I miss being a family. Well, I do miss him but, he still sucks and he's always going to be the same. I know the strong thing to do is to not do anything with him but, I want to and then I'm depressed the next day. It is so weird that I was the one who forced the separation and was unwilling to go to counseling and I am still mourning. I thought I would be so happy without him. Anyway, now I'm rambling. I guess the conclusin is that it is still too soon to do these things together. I don't really know how I'm going to make it through the holidays in one peice.
Thx!
Jess
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Registered: 03-25-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 2:52pm
i, like you, want to be friends with my ex, and i have let him set the pace for this. i was ready to be friends before he, and he made it clear that he didn't know if we could ever be friends, but that he would try when he was ready. it's been about 1.5 years since the divorce, and recently he has contacted me to see how i've been. he knows that i am seeing someone else, and i have made a promise to myself to never lie to him about things like that, only asking for the same in return. to make a long story short, i do believe people can be friends after a divorce, but only if they are both in the right place of mind, and very respectful of the other's new life. there can be no ulterior motives, or else it can never be a friendship. only the 2 of you can know if this is the case or not. good luck, and know that it is possible to be friends, but not for everyone.
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Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 4:40pm

I would hope that someday that can happen. Right now there's not a snowball's chance in hell of that happening. He let's his 21yr old you know what interfere when we were discussing the baby's breakfast Saturday when he took him for his visit. I pi$$ed. Dont know if I can ever forgive him for this. We used to do things "together as a family". After he would leave I would be a wreck emotionally, we even slept together a few times. I cut all of that out. I've been better since I cut off contact unless he was picking up the baby.

Now we will be going to a mediator for a schedule set by the court because he's too inconsistent with his visits and wants to do things last minute. I need stability and so does the baby. I met with the mediator today and he goes on Friday. So for now I dispise him for his behavior on Sat. I know I have to do what's best for the baby and I will but at the same time I have to do what's good for me to so I can be healthy emotionally for the baby.

Hugs.

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Registered: 11-13-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 12:11am
Divorced now one year from a great guy. We were together for 14yrs, and I would like to think we were happy together for 12 of those years. Maybe I was just happy, anyway! when I am in MY RIGHT MIND...lol (this divorce has really messed me up)I would like to think that the 12 good years out-weigh the 2 bad years. I can't HATE HIM, and I can't LOVE HIM, SOOO? I LIKE HIM! as a person who has known me for a long time. I think that is a Friend, and you can never have too many friends.
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Registered: 02-14-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 11:10am

I've been divorced 4 months from a great guy (and I too am very messed up over this!) after 10+ years of marriage (16+ total together). I thought we were happy too, even up until the day he told me he didn't love me anymore (i found out later there was someone else in the picture)... i haven't talked to him in approximately 3 months... in fact I've told him the only time he is to contact me is if 1) our 11 year old cat gets sick or dies - he has custody, 2) someone from our past life together dies, or 3) if it has to do with the settlement agreement (we are still trying to sell the house and he owes me 1/2 the cash from the sale of his snowmobile which hasn't happened yet)... i've told him that I cannot, will not, ever be his friend (i know, i know... never say never)... but he hurt me worse then i ever thought he would do... and i'm still struggling to deal with all the changes that have happened within 28 days earlier this year... i figure he can't give me what i want (a chance to try) so by being friends with him I would only be giving myself false hope....

Ali

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Registered: 11-10-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:11pm
Just my opinion - but I don't agree that someones a "great guy," if he cheated, good dad yes, friend no - A friend doesn't betray someone he/she cares about. Am I friends with my ex - uh no - but we get along for the sake of our son - once he's grown and out of the house there will be nothing to discuss with the ex. Oh I guess we might see each other at the my son's wedding-LOL!!