Friends with Ex?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Friends with Ex?
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Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:05pm

Do you guys really think it is possible to be friends with you Ex? I'm very conflicted. I do want to have a friendship with him but, I feel sometimes foolish for wanting that. I told him ds and I were going to a festival on Sat and he said let's go to the mountains instead to do this ghost train thing. That's like a whole day thing and I'm suspicious. I don't think he is doing it for my ds, I think he wants to remind me what we used to have. We do have a good time together, I just don't trust him, never have. Do any of you do "family" type things with you ex?

Thanks,
Jessica

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:41pm

I can't see being friends with my ex. That's what his mom would like, and I think he would like it too. But it's not happening any time soon. After the lying, cheating, trolling for women on the internet, etc. etc. etc. that he put me through ("I'm not happy, I don't know what I want, etc.etc.) he can look elsewhere for his friends. Although once he did say he "always wants me in his life." I don't think so. We don't have kids so it's easy enough to just "melt away" and not see him. I haven't called him once since I got my own place in August. The divorce has been final for a week. I'm still packing up some stuff from the basement and garage but so far he hasn't been home when I'm over there.

I do miss his family though, especially his dad.

Barb S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 7:54am

let me rephrase then... the guy he used to be is the great guy that i miss... out of 16+ years together we only had a bad 6 months to a year?? pretty hard to accept the changes in him and the changes in my life as a result... and i really have no actual proof that he was cheating on me when we were married... trust is a hard business.... once it's gone it's pretty hard to get it back if the parties involved are not willing to work at it...

but i definitely don't want to be friends with this man... and since we don't have kids... i just don't feel it necessary... do i miss him? like crazy... will i always miss him? ya... some part of me always will... now i just gotta figure out how to push away the feelings of lose, sadness, anger, etc. so that someday i can make room in my heart (and my head) for someone else... i don't believe in "happily ever after" anymore but i do believe i will be as happy again someday as i once was with him....

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:08pm
I agree with what you are saying...my stbx wants to be friends ..hah!..the only reason I want to talk to him is about the kids (we have 3 together) and he doesnt want to talk about them..wanted me to be happy about his new relationship(s)...
and when you say you miss him well, this took me 10 mos to realize but I miss the man he was when we were married not the man (I use that term loosely) he is now..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 10:35pm
Good luck with that. In general, I think that it is possible to be friends with your ex, but in my situation, it is not only IMpossible, it is very IMprobable! I don't think I will ever stop being angry at him for being such a coward in the first place and leaving the state with his 22 year old girlfriend, who is working very hard to try to replace me know that they haved moved back to town. I actually considered it before they moved back in an effort to prepare myself mentally and to give myself closure, but I know now that it is just not possible. I cannot be friends with someone I don't respect, don't trust and don't consider to be a good person with good values. It's oxy moron for me! It just isn't going to happen! But good luck in your situation; it may work for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:03am
Ali, I am NO SAINT! by any means, but I have TRIED to put our "marriage" behind us. What I mean by that is...I am NO LONGER his "wife" and he is NO LONGER my "husband". THOSE TWO PEOPLE ARE GONE AND ARE GONE FOREVER! AIN'T GOING BACK, AIN'T COMING BACK. That was the PAST, a year ago....or 2 weeks ago. Now look at those two people again. I see a man and a woman just trying to live their lives, wanting to find happiness, wanting to love someone and wanting love in return, BUT NOT FROM EACH OTHER! Yes, they KNOW one another intimately, yes they have a PAST! BUT....I would like to think that you can look at that human being and FIND SOMETHING of VALUE about them that you can LIKE!!!! LIKE-THE KEY WORD. And WHEN THE WOUNDS HEAL, you can say..He or she is an old friend of mine.That's all. I think that asking them to notify you when something SIGNIFICANT happens that you would want to know about is appropriate.
For me personally, I am NOT going to "hate" a man I once shared a life with. But then again...I am NOT going to "love" the man who broke my heart, so I think I will LIKE the man for who he is NOW! False hope? Ummm....no, but TIME and his NEW WIFE will clear up any hopes you may have had, lol. I know you are hurting right now. I STILL find pieces of my heart on the floor when I vacuum! that's all I'm trying to do....pick up the pieces.I wish you well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:12am

That would be utopia....

If I could have had any respect for/from my ex, I would never have put the kids through the hurt of the divorce. Like the other thread re: amicable divorce...if I could have had any sort of an amicable discussion with my ex, divorce would not have been necessary.

I can't be friends with someone who hurt me to the extent ex did, told me to commit suicide, tried to turn kids against me, continues to say/do hurtful things constantly. The best I can hope for is NO CONTACT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:33am

wow... not sure where all the yelling is coming from (CAPS = YELLING) ... i hear he's just as lost as i am... but it's to late for us... and we'll never be friends... a CL on another board once told me that i should think of him as "someone I used to know"... i do that now more then ever...

but i am allowed to have hope deep down in my heart... hope that in time i will get better, hope that someday i can find someone who loves me for me, hope that i can find happiness within myself therefore allowing me to find it with someone else... hope that the pain goes away, hope that i can find my own way in the world... it's hard, it's still all to new to me, but in the wisdom of Gloria Gaynor... I WILL SURVIVE... and have my revenge by living the best life i can...

Here's a quote from Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers (YES... I AM A DORK! AND I LOVE MYSELF AS A DORK!)

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart... you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold." ~Frodo Baggins, "LOTR - ROTK"

Ali

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