Friends More Important
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Friends More Important
| Thu, 07-19-2007 - 8:52am |
Hi Fellow Sufferers,
On May 18, 2007 my divorce became final. I guess I am luckier than most because I ended up with a cash settlement so I can buy a townhouse outright and have no mortgage. I should be happy, although I am in Real Estate and not making money right now. That scares the hell out of me. I took care of everything when it came to financial matters at home which is why we were in the positive financial position we were in. When he was at home it was all business about managing the house or he was angry and hostile. In the settlement, he kept the house, a building lot and his business and I took a buyout. His mortgage has increased 2.5 fold and he is really bad with money. We live on a farm (me for the next 26 days any how)and my ex has a hunting club about a football field away from the house. It is his life. During our marriage we rarely slept in the same bed (4 times a year) and had sex about the same amount of times. He was very selfish in bed. He spent most of his time at the hunting club with his friends. If someone was going down the lane, he was out the door to hang out with them which was everyday. He always told me he liked to hang out in groups and not just with one person but I witnessed him spending hours and days with just one friend or another. The marriage and friend thing was like this from the beggining. I should have seen the red flags then but I stuck it our for 18 years anyway. After feeling unloved and unlovable, I had one of his best friends pursue me and I caved. It had been so long since I have had that kind of attention. The affair lasted almost a year until discovered. The friend, the friend's wife and the ex sat down and discussed it and decided as long as the friend had no contact with me that they would remain friends and his wife would forgive him. The friend has continued to contact me over and over which was discovered by the friend's wife and told to the ex. They are still good friends and his wife is still with him. This is only the tip of the iceburg. The last 8 vacations he went on he went with friends. Why did I not see this a long time ago? I have felt so worthless and depressed that I attempted suicide several times (not successfully which you can probably gather). I am seeing a psychiatrist and on many meds. I spent half my life waiting for him to want to be with me and it never happened. I really do not know why I wanted this because he is verbally abusive when around and has been pysically abusive. I guess it would make me feel worthwhile. People he has know for years have said they do not know how I ever stood being married to him. These are his friends. The only thing positive was that he did create a social life for me and now I basically do not have one. It still bothers me that he has remained friends with my ex-lover. I feel like it shows just how much he cared for me compared to his friends. Have others had this same problem? My guess is yes. I realize this is long and goes back and forth with the subject but I think I also wanted to vent with people other than friends and family. It gets old with them. There are so many other things that have happened that I have enough material to write a book. If I do, I will let you know when it comes out in paperback.
P.S. I cannot find a spell check here so please excuse any mispellings.
On May 18, 2007 my divorce became final. I guess I am luckier than most because I ended up with a cash settlement so I can buy a townhouse outright and have no mortgage. I should be happy, although I am in Real Estate and not making money right now. That scares the hell out of me. I took care of everything when it came to financial matters at home which is why we were in the positive financial position we were in. When he was at home it was all business about managing the house or he was angry and hostile. In the settlement, he kept the house, a building lot and his business and I took a buyout. His mortgage has increased 2.5 fold and he is really bad with money. We live on a farm (me for the next 26 days any how)and my ex has a hunting club about a football field away from the house. It is his life. During our marriage we rarely slept in the same bed (4 times a year) and had sex about the same amount of times. He was very selfish in bed. He spent most of his time at the hunting club with his friends. If someone was going down the lane, he was out the door to hang out with them which was everyday. He always told me he liked to hang out in groups and not just with one person but I witnessed him spending hours and days with just one friend or another. The marriage and friend thing was like this from the beggining. I should have seen the red flags then but I stuck it our for 18 years anyway. After feeling unloved and unlovable, I had one of his best friends pursue me and I caved. It had been so long since I have had that kind of attention. The affair lasted almost a year until discovered. The friend, the friend's wife and the ex sat down and discussed it and decided as long as the friend had no contact with me that they would remain friends and his wife would forgive him. The friend has continued to contact me over and over which was discovered by the friend's wife and told to the ex. They are still good friends and his wife is still with him. This is only the tip of the iceburg. The last 8 vacations he went on he went with friends. Why did I not see this a long time ago? I have felt so worthless and depressed that I attempted suicide several times (not successfully which you can probably gather). I am seeing a psychiatrist and on many meds. I spent half my life waiting for him to want to be with me and it never happened. I really do not know why I wanted this because he is verbally abusive when around and has been pysically abusive. I guess it would make me feel worthwhile. People he has know for years have said they do not know how I ever stood being married to him. These are his friends. The only thing positive was that he did create a social life for me and now I basically do not have one. It still bothers me that he has remained friends with my ex-lover. I feel like it shows just how much he cared for me compared to his friends. Have others had this same problem? My guess is yes. I realize this is long and goes back and forth with the subject but I think I also wanted to vent with people other than friends and family. It gets old with them. There are so many other things that have happened that I have enough material to write a book. If I do, I will let you know when it comes out in paperback.
P.S. I cannot find a spell check here so please excuse any mispellings.

I can completely relate to your post. I think it's difficult for people to understand how awful the rejection feels when your spouse constantly chooses his friends and activities over you. My ex was the same, he just had different activities (poker, movies, dinner, golf, etc.). It really kills your self-esteem. I remember feeling so worthless, I didn't even want to be alive any more. The loneliness was crushing.
As soon as I separated from the ex, I drank in any attention I received. It was like giving a person dying of thirst a glass of ice water. It felt fantastic. I will tell you, during the separation, I got together with my current H, and life is great! He is kind, attentive, and wonderful. I am SO fortunate that I found one of the good ones this time around. I promise you, they are out there.
I hope you are right and things improve over the next few months. I have had a lot of people tell me that when I get away from here and him I will feel much better. It is just hard to imagine right now. Thanks for your post.
Jennifer