friends vs. walking away...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
friends vs. walking away...
2
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 10:25pm

Hi,

I posted a message a few weeks ago about a man I was introduced at a community event who is recently separated (wife wants a divorce). When we met one month ago, there was an instant connection for both of us and we spent the rest of the evening talking and getting to know each other. He asked for my number but I honestly didn't think anything would come of it since he is just now going through the divorce process (selling his house, getting ready to move, etc.). I'm a 42 single and available woman and he is 44 with a child so, I thought I would just leave well enough alone and nothing would come of it. However, the day after we met, he stopped by my new house to welcome me to the neighborhood since I had just moved in. Then a week later, he called to see if I wanted to meet him for a very casual dinner at the neighborhood pub which I was happy to do because I really like him as a person, we really hit it off and I know some acquaintances of his and they all agree that he is a great guy. When I was with him at dinner, he mentioned that he is in a transition but that he thinks we have a lot in common (which we do) and would like to see me - whatever he meant by that. Then, he asked me out for the next evening and I said yes but that next day he called and canceled saying that he really likes me a lot but that something came up and he couldn't make it that night. I assumed this was the big blow off, that he realized he can't date right now and changed his mind.

I hadn't heard from him for awhile after that but two weeks later, he called and asked if I would join him on a 6-mile hike that coming weekend. Keep in mind that at this point, we have not been physically involved (except a few kisses here and there) but I feel the strong attraction (mental and physical) on his part and I am very attracted to him as well. When he picked me up to go hiking, he had a picnic and all, it was very sweet. We hiked and talked about our travels and all the things we like and have in common - we really hit it off again! At one point when we were picnicking, he leaned over and kissed me but after a brief moment, I pulled back. It all seems so innocent and feels right but I'm scared of the things I have read and what everyone says about dating someone going through a separation/divorce and how it never works out with the first romance, being the rebound person, etc.

On the ride home, he began to talk about his pending divorce and told me that his life is complicated right now but wants to be friends. He was direct, sincere and seems to care enough about me to keep me informed of his status and where things stand with us. It felt like he was trying to explain how confused he is and I respect him for it. Unfortunately, it makes me like him even more! I have never had a man be so direct with me and want to communicate where he is emotionally and about his marriage status. I love the way this man treats me, with respect and gentleness. His willingness to open up to me is so refreshing - I have not brought up the marriage subject at all, but have just enjoyed his company and tried to go with the flow of our friendship. So far, he has been the one to want to discuss his situation with me and talk about how I fit in. I really admire him because he has been honest and sincere with me from the beginning. I feel like on one hand, he really enjoys being together and is attracted to me but I also feel like he is confused and trying to avoid his feelings for me since after we spend time together, he pulls away. I can't blame him for feeling confused but I'm not quite sure what to do or how I should fit into his life right now. When I spend time with him (which isn't often!), I like him more and more but I don't know what or how to be in his life. We talked about just being friends and I guess that's where things are now but what do I do moving forward if he asks me to do something with him again. I have strong feelings for him and we like doing the same things - outdoor pursuits, etc. but I don't want to get hurt. Do I try to develop the friendship and see what happens or walk away now to avoid getting heartbroken later? I really feel like this relationship could have great potential but I don't know how to handle it moving forward or if I should pursue anything. Any insight, two sense, advice you may have would be much appreciated! Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2003
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 3:12pm

In my opinion- it's never a good idea to go into a new relationship planning the break-up. Not all rebounds fail. My two good friends hooked up after his wild and bad divorce (his wife met another woman on an AOL chat site...) and they wound up married. He was emotionally steady and open about his feelings with his soon to be wife so I think thats why that worked.

I say have fun and see where life takes your relationship. I know thats hard but give things a few months to start to form a path and then you will maybe know if it's the direction for you. Just be happy. Easy to say- hard to do. I am also considering starting a new relationship and I am having problems seperating my X's habits from anyone else I meet.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 5:47pm

Hi Debbi,
Thanks for your upbeat and positive message! I appreciate your feedback and point of view. This guy is pretty incredible, and I haven't said that about too many men in my life! He is in therapy right now so, I think he is trying to work on himself and do everything right in terms of his divorce. He seems to have good sense about this new relationship with me and taking it very slow as friends but I can tell he is struggling with his attraction to me and desire to become more involved romatically, knowing that he's not an ideal position for a new relationship right now. He's a very calm, low-key guy and talks openly about his status (where his head is and the marriage, etc.). He seems to want to keep me in the loop which to me, means that he cares enough to communicate with me honestly and openly which I respect and adore about him. I don't think I have met anyone quite like him!

I'm taking your suggestion and just going to go with the flow of a friendship and see what happens or where it goes. Life is too short to play it too cautious and safe, right??

I wish you much luck with you new relationship as well!