frightened and feeling alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
frightened and feeling alone
4
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 12:43am

hello everyone,

two days ago i realized my husband of two years was having a phone relationship with a woman he met on an online game. i confronted him about it, he admitted he was in love with her. then he told me he wasn't happy with me and hadn't been for some time. so...he moved out yesterday. now it's me in an apartment alone (i have never lived alone). he took care of bill-paying and I am so scared I won't be able to get all this together for myself. I am so afraid of failing at being independent. I know i failed in my marriage because I spent too much money, and I just turned 30 and still have no idea what to do with my life. I just don't know what to do or how to begin. I feel like raw meat, exposed and vulnerable for all the world to see. it seems like this was my one shot at a normal life, and it's over.

i guess i would just like to know...how many of you have had to learn to do these kinds of things for yourselves after divorce (bill-paying, etc...)?

and when does the pain and shock and crying start to go away? i just want to feel a ray of hope that i can feel good again.

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 3:49am

Erica, you are not alone, and you are going to be ok. that is my promise to you. everyone here on this board has gone thru/is going thru exactly the same thing. different people, different issues, different problems ---- but essentially, we all went thru the same feelings of despair, of anger, of feeling alone, of fear ---- and we are all at various stages of restoring our faith in ourselves, of getting back control over our lives. i promise you ---- you will get there too. in the meantime you have some work to do - a journey of sorts, if you will. you will need help to get thru this journey: legal help, psycological help, friends, relatives - and don't forget the empowering powers of this board!

i was married at a young age, got divorced when my son was 3, remarried a few years later, and got divorced again. my second husband was extremely abusive and controlling, he had full control over the money and everything, and he kept telling me how useless i was, how i couldn't handle money, how i was a failure. and i was very scared to be on my own --- but i did it. i walked out on his sorry b**t one day, i rented an apartment BY MYSELF. i got hooked up to internet access BY MYSELF. i negotiated eveything i needed to negotiate BY MYSELF. in the last three years since i left him - i have been promoted at work, i have gone on vacation once a year, i rented a car when i needed to ---- wow, beleive it or not i AM capable of doing all of these things. trust me --- men are no smarter than women (in fact...... but let's not go there lol). if they can do it - you can do it. and don't be afraid to ask for help: ask your friends to help you, ask specific questions here, and so on. going to a therapist is helpful too, and if you need to, then you might consider taking meds for a short while, just to help you thru this time.

we are all here for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 4:10am

((((((hugs)))))) First, remember that it's not just the shock of a sudden separation. You are going through the shock of betrayal. Both, in and of themselves, are a great loss, esp to happen so suddenly. So, my first advice to you is to find a counselor to help you work through these emotions and your grieving process. You don't want to become seriously depressed. This will help with that.

As for learning to deal with your own finances, there are a couple of MB here on IV that can help you with that:

Divorcing Smart -- Money Matters http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-mldivorce

Budgeting http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-mljournal

Frugal Living http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-hgfrugal





Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 8:47pm

thanks for the replies! just knowing what other people have gone through makes me feel somewhat better.

-erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 8:10am
I'm glad you're feeling better! In your situation, it's totally normal to feel shocked, vulnerable, frightened, etc. You've just experienced a major trauma. You will soon find out that you really are a competent and capable person. Also, don't be afraid to ask others around you for help and support, too. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness...it shows you're open and resourceful. Hang in there.