Frustrated..... need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Frustrated..... need advice
6
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:23pm

So, I'm new here and not sure where to start. I'm 23 and after a 9 year relationship, just a month short of four years married, I am divorced. A week after my ex husband informed me he wanted a divorce I found out he had a girlfriend, which wasn't much of a surprise since he'd cheated in the past. We divorced in August and I recently found out he is engaged and has a baby on the way. I've realized I don't want to be with him and that our divorce was for the best, but this news was heart breaking. Because our relationship started when I was 14, we have TONS of mutual friends, which makes it very difficult to not get an update on his every move. I really don't care, but I'm not sure how to nicely tell my friends that I don't need to know what he's doing or who he's doing it with.

With the holidays upon us, I am struggling with being alone for the first time in my adult life, or life in general. I grew up with his family and of course when we seperated, they all told me I would always be considered family and to always keep in touch. Well, since his engagement, they've all stopped talking to me.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on where to go from here and how to make it thru this holiday season without going crazy! I find myself trying to stay busy with friends, which works until I get in the car to come home, and then reality hits, I'm going home to an empty house, with nobody to ask how my day was.... Its not that I want him to be there, but someone.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 4:32am

Hello...
I understand you don't have children...

Why don't you just GO out of town? change your life, change your way of seeing things, change the way you live, where and with whom. Blessed! you have sooo many opportunity! I don't know what education you have, but it is a perfect time to join a college - co-ed or any kind, move across country, pick up a sport, and start looking for something totally different!

you say work and friends "works until I get in the car to come home, and then reality hits, I'm going home to an empty house, with nobody to ask how my day was.... " STOP! sell your house, or move. You don't mention family links, and even if his family is very close, of course their first contact will be him. It looks to me like life is handing you a wonderful opportunity: freedom! find a job in a place you always wanted to visit - what is it? Paris? Rome? London? Australia? California? any job. teach english, cook, sell wine or papers or anything else... I'd love to do that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 12:17pm
Well I know whereyour coming from on this one I got married when I was 21 and I spent eleven years with the woman and her family. My sister and her grew up together thats how we met each other. Back in Aug of 2005 just a day after our eleventh anv. I caught her with another man who just happened to be one of my friends at the time. I went through thoughts that I would never know love or feel love again and as the holiday season came closer the hurt set in harder. I went through a time where I wanted to take my own life just the fact of being so depressed. It has now been over a year and even though I was told I would always be family by her mother and father I still cant bring my self to speak to them. I have sence moved on with my own life, found a love so sweet filled with friendship, fun and family that I dont even thank about her anymore in the same sence. We do speak from time to time but only for our children. But to make a long story short you will be fine it just takes time. Learn to love yourself forget about him. And when your friends say things about him and who ever just say I am sorry but he's not my life or in it so I dont need to know. The fact that he cheated on you makes the hurt much harder but put it all behind you and move on be happy and thankful for the things and people you have in your life today. It will all come back to him in time and he will feel the pain of a once lost love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:59pm

Wow your post really hit me. it was like i wrote it my self almost. just a couple of differences. I was not married but i am 23 and was in a 8yr realationship with who i thought was the love of my life. He never cheated on me or atleast i dont know about it and he didnt leave me (i dont think for someone else) i think he was just scared. We had planned our life together and even though the last couple of months we argued constantly i didnt think he would have ended it telling me he didnt know what he wanted. This was a couple of weeks ago and i cant seem to think i have a life after this. He was all i knew and can not picture myself with anyone else. He was my love and just left me. Talk about feeling rejected, i am just wondering how will i ever get through this. I cant see life without him and i keep blaming myself for all the wrong in our relationship. How do you move on and continue life when i feel it has been taken from me. The holidays are coming and i have two weeks before i receive my bachelors degree and i dont even think all this matters to me. I want him back so bad but i cant get hurt by someone who is not sure what he wants. Everyone tells me yes i will find someone else and maybe we just werent meant to be but HOW are we suppose to move on when you plan your whole future with this person?

All i think about are the good times all the stuff i miss about him and only if i had another chance i would make it perfect. I really jst want to make this horrible everlasting pain of my life is over just go away.

I dread the day he is with someone else i will be devastated and think i will die. Although, i feel like my insides have already died.

I too was very close to his family and cant imagine not being around them anymore. I feel like i will never love again and get that happy loving marriage i have always dreamed about.

I just want my pain and these awful thoughts to go away. Honestly this truly sucks and i know exactly how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 4:21pm

Thank you! I know I will make it and that it just takes time, but sometimes I hate time! I think the hardest part is the relationships, other than my marraige, that I have lost and my anger comes from the fact that he literally walked away from everything, leaving me with the bills, the house, our dog and everything else to take care of. I thank god we didn't have any children!

I think the fact that he cheated made the entire process easier for me, as weird as that sounds. Because I know me and I always want to see the best in people and believe they are great people. I could have sat around for years hoping he'd come back, but with the cheating (it was the fourth time i know of) it made it so much easier to be done!

Thanks again for your advice and I wish you the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 4:37pm

Thank you so much for writing. I think we all feel a great comfort in knowing we are not alone, and trust me, you are not alone! I really feel your pain, especially when I look about to when this was all so new a fresh to me. I literally sat at home staring at the wall and cried every time my eyes opened. But I soon realized that the love I wanted was the love we had 9 years ago, not who we were today. Also, that I only wanted that love if he wanted it too, which he obviously didn’t.

You should be so proud of yourself, you are getting your bachelors degree in a few weeks, I am SO jealous! I gave up my dream of college for my ex husband.

Our minds have a funny way of only remembering the good times. Its only natural to see how wonderful things were. I know for myself, that if he came back, I would take him back in a heartbeat, even though I knew our separation was the best thing for us. I made a list of all the bad, or not so good things in our past. I was VERY honest and didn’t hide anything. I put a copy in a safe place and gave one to my very best friend, who already knew most of it. I told her to PLEASE give me this list if she finds out we are talking again, but I know how I will be and that all of those things will never cross my mind. I feel good knowing I am prepared to be strong if the day ever comes, and I can almost promise you it will.

I also noticed that you said “only if i had another chance i would make it perfect” I found myself saying that EXACT thing. But then someone told me that, I, alone, can not make it perfect. He was to want it and work at it too. I don’t want to be that girl who puts SO much into a relationship and gets just enough to get by in return. That’s not fair to me or him.

I really do know exactly how you feel and am always here if you need to talk or vent, or whatever! I am so lucky to have a GREAT support system for friends and family and have no idea how I would have made it without them. Please keep your head up and know that you are not alone and time will make it better. I can’t believe I just said the whole “time” thing because I HATED to hear that, but I promise, its true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 4:51pm

Thank you so much for your response. I am lacking with many friends because i gave them all up for him so be very proud you do have friends to count on.

Here is my email just in case you may ever need to talk or vent to someone who knows exactly how you feel. jgrasso@nawsct.com