Full Custody Final Trial

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Full Custody Final Trial
4
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 10:19am

I wonder if any of you know someone who went to a fully custody trial. I wish so much I could talk with someone or find out generally what it is like since I am facing mine with no lawyer still, in early November. I hate it that the courtroom has two rows of seats on both sides, and I have read that I will be up in the chair like some horrible Perry Mason re run. I also read, that without a lawyer, his lawyer and I will be given time to make an overall summary or opening statement, then his lawyer will be able to grill me basically, and that I must answer every question, no option to not want to answer. Then since I have no lawyer, except for specific questions the judge may have during the interrogation of me by his lawyer or for a final closing statement that I will not really be allowed to submit any 'evidence' etc since I will not have the correct forms or have had the money to pay the fees to submit them prior to the Trial anyhow.

My friend told me to just fix my eyes on the back wall, try to be honest, try not to fall completely apart because if I cry too much the judge will basically pause the trial until I get myself together again, and that will just make it all go on longer. She told me to try to remember that though the false allegations might be/will be humiliating and the not being able to really debate those accusations, that I need to remember that I will prob never see any of the people in the back of the courtroom or the bailiff or the court reporter or even the judge ever again. I just don't know how I can get through it; I keep telling myself I have to be strong I have to do this for the kids. I cannot go to a psychologist right now; and if I were to get anti-depression drugs, the ex would prob be able to use that against me too. He has little to use to try and accuse me of being an unfit mom; but he sure has put together some serious lies.

I guess I just needed to vent. I know of no one who has gone to a full custody trial or a Move Away custody case and I wish I did, even though I know every one is totally different. The unknown is hard...and in all of this, you are constantly, continuously dealing with the unknown. I do remember though, the 'known' I had with him was totally, horrible. Maybe I will make a note card and tape it to my purse or something to hold while I am up on the stand. No, can't do that either. In my instructions from the court, it says while you are testifying, you may not have any written materials, notes or papers with you.

I am praying for many of you moms this week, I hope and pray you and the kids (even and the fathers too) get some peace, some joy. Blessings, Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 9:48pm

Hang in there, Anna..... and DO go ahead and write down the facts about the things that you think might be asked.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 12:10am

You do want to keep it together, but you don't want to be emotionless either.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 12:17am

I went to a full custody trial. What worked for me was showing minimal emotion save for maybe an uncontrollable distressed look on my face. Absolutely do not jump up and start yelling at x or arguing with his lawyer. Do not talk back to anyone. If someone says something you disagree with, do not automatically think that the judge is taking it to heart. Watch the judges response and politely ask to make a comment when you want to explain something that you think was missed or if you think the information on the otherside was misleading. Don't accuse the other side of being wrong or nasty.

It really helped me to keep focused on the judge and to never look at x or the lawyer. I put a mental wall between them and me. Then end result was that I was more calm and reasonable while x was ranting and jumping up in his chair over every little thing.

It is best to not break out in histerical tears, but a few quiet but noticable tears can't hurt as long as it is not preventing you from speaking calmly. But certainly no show of anger or resentment. It will work wonders for you if x does all the yelling. Just don't yell back.

A little scene from mine went something like this:

judge to me: when was the last visit with the son?
me to judge: (calmly) it was the first week of April.
judge to me: there haven't been any other visits?
x to judge: (nearly jumping out of seat) NO! Because SHE won't let me see him!!!
Both the judge and me completely ignor him and act as if he said nothing.
me to judge: (calmly) there have been no further visits.
judge to me: have you offered any?
x to judge: (with a hateful look on his face) SHE always works and won't allow me to visit!!! She says she is frightened of me and will only have supervised visits! (directly to me) You have been with me for 10 years! Why are you now saying you are frightened of me!!! You lie!
Both judge and me ignor him again
me to judge: (calmly) I have always brought son when a visit was asked. x has not asked for any further visits since April.

There was no need to argue against his accusations about me lying of being frightened of him. The judge had already approved an RO and he knew the full story. So I just dropped it and let x demonstrate his personality to the court.

I hope that helps, sorry for being so long winded. I know how nervous you must feel, and I wish you had a lawyer to buffer much of the nastiness. But be positive and all my best thoughts to you as you go through this difficult task.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 7:07am
Do take the time to write out each point (the ones you want to make and the ones you suspect your H will make) on an index card.
Sanguine