a funny, divorce funny!
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| Wed, 03-09-2005 - 7:13pm |
ok, I know some of this is a little over the top..... but I got this from another board and I do admit some of it is funnnnnnnny!
“Ten Simple Yet Elegant Tips for Divorce”
1. Change the locks.
2. Make him pay for the divorce - and anything else you can.
3. Keep everything beginning with consonants (children, money, house, cars,
furniture, real estate, medical benefits, retirement funds, linens).
4. Allow him to keep everything beginning with vowels (armoires, umbrellas.)
5. Sequester precious items at a friend's house. Men never remember what
they have -- if they did, they would not have ruined their lives by running
around with whores.
6. Don’t fight in front of the children...
7. (....this includes your X/STBX -- it only adds gasoline to the fire and
they don't care how angry you are, truly they do not. This is because they
exist wholly in their own tiny birdcage of a brain/genital control tower.)
8. Take lots of baths and manicures and pedicures, have your hair
expensively cut.
9. Everything, no matter how ludicrous and squalid it seems at the time of
the split, will get better and better until you will wonder why you cared so
much in the first place.
10. When confronted with a practical question regarding fairness to your ex,
err on the side of lifetime vendetta. This way, you will never feel a fool
and you will also have kept everything.
“What To Wear To Your Ex Husband's Funeral: 10 Ways To Shine In Troubled Times”
1. In choice of clothing color, monochromatic is best. It slims and projects confidence and style. Black is not flattering to the face, our sources suggest red.
2. While midriff tops are not appropriate, don't be afraid to add a dash of panache to your outfit. An old wedding veil makes a wonderful belt when twisted -- as for your engagement ring - shine it up and wear it on your toe to show off those strappy high heels.
3. Why not try a filmy chiffon shawl to accent the strapless cut of your dress? Don't forget to moisturize your neck, shoulders and arms, areas that are often overlooked. If you have the good fortune to be able to plan in advance, a spa day at Estee Lauder or your local mall is highly recommended. (Also, there is no reason to put off any attractive pallbearers by gems on your wedding hand, yet diamonds worn on the earlobes or on the right hand are always in good taste.)
4. Neutral lipstick, eyeliner, and two coats of waterproof mascara, ladies. Sometimes tears of laughter can result in a smudged face, which is a mortuary gaffe. Don't forget a waterproof SPF 30 foundation in a matte shade that best matches your natural skin tone.
5. If you are going to the burial, you may encounter soft earth; consider a muscular escort to carry you to the gravesite if the ground shows any sign of endangering your shoes, dress hem, or hosiery.
6. I feel sexy when I wear lacy panties and bra, don’t deny yourself this pleasure. He would want you to feel your best, even though he is gone. Gone forever.
7. Fragrance is not to be underestimated at this time, it makes a statement. "Joy" exudes classic excellence, and is so worth the extra money.
8. While it is probably not appropriate to throw rice, as you did at your wedding, a handful of confetti is always festive and can turn any event into a gay time.
9. Send flowers ahead of time to the funeral home. We like a spray of exotics, like birds of paradise; add a large red bow and the words BON VOYAGE and you're all set. (Don't forget to take the bouquet with you when you leave -- the Lord hates waste.)
10. Above all, have a good time. He would want you to! And now you know exactly where he is sleeping every night. And so peacefully.
“ELEVEN PRETTY GOOD RATIONALIZATIONS TO SLEEP WITH
YOUR SOON TO BE EX HUSBAND”
1. You will never have to worry that they won't call you again. (They are in your lives forever, thanks to the children they left behind.)
2. Re: the divorce-- you will never have to guess, Was it because I wasn't attractive enough?
3. He may know what you like and dislike sexually; this may save time and disappointment.
4. Child support arrives magically on time.
5. You have a chance to use him, even though he believes he is using you. This is delightful.
6. It will piss off his mistress, who is now his wife and needs to be taken down a peg or two.
7. Because you can. You're single now. You can sleep with anyone you like.
8. They will often cook for you afterward, or do heavy household duties.
9. Orgasms are good for the skin and the respiratory system; you will look better to other men.
10. It is politically incorrect, even though everyone does it. This will give you a sense of daring and adventure, while you clean your house or do other chores.
11. There’s always the slim chance that he will die on top of you.

