Get this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Get this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:40am
Hi, get this. My X called last nite to make sure it was ok that his gf's sister could bsit our girls(gf's kids would be bsat as well) so he can go out with her on sat nite. They live together and yes I do get along with his gf, but what the heck. He calls,ask to talk to me I forgot I made the discion not to speak to him after I wished him a Merry Christmas, and he said,"yea like I'm going to wish you a Merry Christmas, put our girls on)so I take the phone and he goes, "this sat nite, Amy and I are going out, is it ok her sister watches the girls?" I go, "your going out this sat nite?" he goes, "yea, can she watch the girls" I said, "yea" (sister has kids in her 30's). Then, I said, "oh how nice you can take her out but you could never take me out". Then, I hung up. Must be nice to go out, no I don't have anyone in my life right now by choice. I decided to get my life together since he destroyed it(posted here last week or so, tells the story,WILL I SURVIVE..)I know his gf, had him call because the last time they went out awhile ago, when he had our girls, he was at a CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that he went to a flippin concert. Geee, where did he take me, NO WHERE!!!!!!!!!!!! Where did he take himself, to the Country Club to golf, Vagas, Cananda, Cape,etc.......He is such an a$$$
He destroyed us, and yes I'm trying to get over it, not very well I might add. All I keep doing lately is thinking about him, I know its because he has someone and I don't. I mean I do want someone but, I don't want to just go out to a club or bar and find someone just to have someone. I don't know I'm just so angry he had to tell me "where going out".
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:09am
Laura, you are smart to not want to have someone just for the sake of it! You will find someone when you're ready. Most people looking back a year from now usually can't believe how far they've come. It gets easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:20am

Laura,
Know the frustration! My ex has taken his girlfriend to EUROPE 3 TIMES THIS YEAR (she has family in Spain). Yet, when I suggested we go to Vegas he was like "We can't afford it". He never took me anywhere and we were together 8 YEARS- HE'S BEEN WITH HER LIKE 8 MONTHS!!!!!!! So frustrating. It's like he is saying that I wasn't worth it and she is. And the worst part about it is that he b**ches about paying child support because he has *no money*....but last time I checked, vacationing to Europe wasn't cheap. Especially when you're paying for two. Grrrr.

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 5:36pm
He's yanking your chain - seeing what kind of reaction he can get from you -and he's getting the reaction he wants. With my ex - we talk about the kids - that's it. If you want to stop these games - just blow him off.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:26pm
I too can relate...I always had to work more so that we could save to go anywhere..in 11 mos he has taken 4 trips with gf and a sailing course in the Carribean 3 wks after he left..I just found out he can't take the kids on his weekend (new years) because he is going to be "out of the country". His reasoning for taking the trips was that he said his lawyer told him he needed a break..lol..Raising 3 kids,working fulltime & trying to look after & keep a big house is a breeeezzzzzeee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:33pm

I want to just rip him apart, he just came to pick up the girls, and came to the door wich he seldome does. So when I came up stairs from the basement he was standing in my door way. He's like why arent they ready? I told them I was comming in two mins. I said, "I don't know why dont you ask them." He's like, "cant you get them ready?" I said, "look they are 12-10-8,they can pack their own things". Although for an hour I was yelling at them to get a move on so he wouldn't have to wait. My middle d was like im not going. Then as soon as he came she was running around trying to find things. Of course they trashed my living room, and he's like maybe if you clean they can find things. I said, nothing. Then handed him mail that i still get. Then I was pissed, bc he says, oh amy has to drop them off first thing in the morning, bc she has a dr.s appt. I'm sorry I couldn't help my self. I said, "awwwww chubby sick" you must be so upset. I know bad me. I think when I start excercising again,I can take all that anger out. Then I realized what sat nite was and why he needed a babysitter. Now, I get to sit and think of how he's going to kiss her at midnite.

Nettie, I wish I still had my big house, and my cars, my dogs lol my money hahaha. Because of him we lost everything we worked for, it's gone all gone in a matter of months. I hate drugs!!!! I hate alcoholics!!!!!!!! I hate Gamblers!!!!!!! I HATE HIM.
Why is it we are always the bad one we get gipped and blamed for all their faults. He is living with her, not worried about any of the mistakes he made, he just moved on. I wanted him to suffer for years. Now, Im the B****, and he hates me. I tried to take a good look at him tonite, to see if I could feel anything but hate. No, the hate is still their. I wish I could blow him off. Im trying to. I applied for a job yesterday, part-time. I need to get out of this apt, this funk. I hope I get it.
laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:17pm

you can vent with me anytime!...I have been through the anger ..many times
every time I think I have a handle on it he does something else to tick me off!

In my case everything was in my name....he has no credit because he declared bankruptcy 2 yrs ago...and I have all the debt...still I have this house I refuse to give up..it is on my parents property & we built it ourselves...he lives in a room at his "office" (converted house into office..office downstairs..rented out apt upstairs) which I hear about everytime I make a comment about him not staying home. Despite the one room apt his 25 yr old gf (can you tell the age bugs me lol) is moving in with him..& he sees no reason why the kids can't stay over with them in the ONE room..unbelievable..

Use this site to vent..there are a lot of sympathetic souls..but I try to remember something my therapist told me...you can't move on until you let go of the anger..it is a form of attachment..I used to call my ex (that is the first time I called him that..mmm..getting better!) and yell at him ..just so I could talk to him..

If getting ready for the visits is a problem..tell the kids you will do it and they will only be able to take what you get ready...they will soon change their tune..my kids are 8-6 & 6 know that they won't take the toys they want if I pack it for them..as for the mail..you can make a change of address at the post office or just send it back with something to the effect of "party no longer at this address"...if he is gone..he is gone..
my ex didn't pack up anything...I got it ready & had it waiting at the door for him..he never asked for anything...still now I keep finding things of his around the house..I pack them up & have them waiting for him...a pain in the a** but I dont want his stuff in "my house"

Sometimes I feel like I have no right to whine..I have a lot more than most...but it still hurts..I have a part-time/full-time job where I make good money ..but its shift work. So its interesting around here..

drop me a line anytime..I got to a point where I tired everyone out with my anger..they didn't "get" it ...if you haven't been through it, it is very hard to understand

((((hugs))))

Annette

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:07pm

One thing that helped me was something a friend said: "The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is apathy." When we are holding on to anger and hate, we are letting the target of those emotions control us. They control our thoughts and our hearts. Don't let him do this to you! You have to CHOOSE how you are going to feel. It took me a long time to learn how to do this. I had to stop reacting emotionally and start deciding how I would feel about something. My STBX is the same way. We never had money for ANYTHING! Yet he's gone on three vacations in about six months and spent loads of money on this gf of his. For years I scrimped and saved, budgeted and clipped coupons, all so that this skank could benefit from it. At first I would get soooo mad! I was just full of anger and hatred. Then, I realized that this wasn't getting me anywhere. All my reactions were doing were giving him more ammo to accuse me of being the nasty B**ch. I was the one who ended up looking irrational and a little bit crazy. Now, when something like this comes up, I force myself to stop and THINK. I can choose how to feel about it, he's not in control of MY emotions or thoughts anymore. NO ONE can 'make' me feel anything, I choose my reactions to situations I am in. When he's a jerk, I can choose to cry, yell at him, cuss at him and hang up on him. Or, I can choose to hear it, think about what he's said and whether or not it's actually true or justified (it never is) and then decide how I react. By that time, only a few moments, I've calmed down. BTW: I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This means that I am VERY prone to angry, emotion-driven outbursts of rage. I literally had NO control of my emotions. This was very hard to learn, but it has helped me so much in getting past the pain and anger of what my STBX has put me through.


The way he is treating this girl has NOTHING to do with you. It is about him and his problems. After a divorce/separation, it is very common for the man to jump into a serious relationship very quickly. I know with my STBX, he just couldn't stand to be alone. He was having fun, living it up like some single guy with no responsibilities (we have THREE children). What your ex is doing is very common. You've got to CHOOSE to not let it get to you. If you can master that you'll be able to handle everything in life much better.

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Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 6:40am
Annette, our x's just plain'ol stink!!!!!!!!! I have alot of debt, see his thing was, why do we need to pay off your bills (while we were married) like your school loan, your never going to work. He at times wanted me to work but, when the girls were little of course they needed alot of attention, so I always wound up quitting my job, so I stayed home. I'm afraid to get my credit reports, I know your aloud a free set once a year, but it will just make me depressed again. Besides it's been years since I payed any of those bills, and if I start now they'll want more money, and I don't have it. I ran out of oil the other day and I had to call the church to see if they could get me some. Thank god they did. I just fees like a complete fool when I do that. Now that the girls have been home on vacation my apt is a complete shambles and when i clean one room they destroy the other room. They are old enough to understand, and to clean. They don't help me at all, my family says I should call nanny 911 lol, but I'm afraid she would be all over me lol. Then when the girls came home from my x's house, I'm so bad I question them and I need to stop, I put my middle one in a bad spot, I asked her how was the ride after I fought with my x and she finally said, "they always fight when we get to their house,after they pick us up" I said, "about what, you girls" and she said, "no about you". "About me"? I go, "why", she said, "I asked them, why do you guys always fight?" and she said, "amy(gf)said, because your mom's a bitch" so my dd said lol, "no you are" and "daddy yelled at me, and made me say sorry and then amy said sorry" I told her I wouldn't say anything. But, who the heck does she think she is telling my 10 year old that. My x can say anything he want about me, bc that's their dad, she has no right saying a word. And here she acts all nice to me. Well, I guess I'm the same even though I say i like her, I do say she looks like Miss Piggy. And the pathetic part is I'm glad they fight about me, lol. It some how in a pathetic way made me feel better. I told him he would never be happy bc I wouldn't let him since he destroyed our family. I know I shouldn't hate but I do. lol Oh and his gf is 27 and he's going to be 38 in march. Whatever well thanks for letting me vent to you.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 6:52am
Why is it when we get divorced or seperated, the men act like they have not a worry in the world. They forget they have responsiblities and I know not all act like that but for the most they do. I do need to get over the hate.
My x is going out this New years and yes we did things on New Years but we had the big house so everyone always came their, he never wanted to take me to a club or anything. I have to go back to the way I was when he first left I was so hurt and disgusted by him that I didn't speak to him for weeks or look at him. That drove him nuts considering I always had something to say lol, and now his parents basicly are on his side now of course. But, they forget how he had us loose everything that we built for drugs and he didn't care where his girls where going to live or if they had food in their mouth, now since he's so behind in child support, they make him pay extra everyweek towards the back, and she said to me, "how's he suppose to live"? I said, "I don't give a flying **** how he lives," I know they always thought I was a bitch but, they felt the same way about his, drinking, gambleing, and drugs. Now, though he's doing better wich yes is good. Like I said to his parents, "that's great he's doing better after 2years of abusing, but it's a shame he had to destroy his family in the process". Then I said to them, "you know I'm a bit**, but you didn't live with him as your husband or the father of your children, and since ya'll are still married you never went through this pain that me and your granddaughters are going through, so don't judge me as a money hungry bit**, judge me as a mother looking out for your grandchildren." So the next time I get angry about him, or he calls I'm not answering the phone either the girls can or it won't be answered at all, untill I can get a grip, so thanks for the advice.
Laura