Get over jealousy
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| Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:19pm |
Here I am again whining over ex and new wife's behavior.
I really need to figure out a way to stop letting them bother me when they continue to pull their act that new wife is just as much my kids' mom as I am. How do I not let it hurt me? I'm tired of it. I don't expect their behavior to ever change, they are both so arrogant and sure they know it all. All I can do is change my reaction, but how?
New instances...
Today, of course is a school holiday. My youngest is still in need of supervised care on a day off of school. By the C.O., she's with me and I was planning on sending her to the daycare she goes to in summer. Well, she's in girl scouts and ex and new wife got it in her head to go to new wife's office today to take cookie orders. She could have just taken in the form-sheesh! DD doesn't really like spending the day at daycare on school holidays. I can't take the day off, so I figured, ok, let her go, I need a sitter anyhow. Well, this is turned into "going out to breakfast and lunch", new wife buying her new stuff, and taking the afternoon off to play. GRRR! Now I regret saying yes.
They take any chance to act like they are the REAL family and do all this fun stuff together that we never did while married.
Another thing, I'm going to have to give up Mother's Day with my kids this year. My ex's mom passed away recently, was cremated and there is a ceremony planned in another state to scatter the ashes near her birthplace on her birthday, the day after Mother's Day. I think it's absolutely appropriate for the kids to go to this ceremony for their grandmother--it's only the day that is the problem. What gets me is that it was all arranged before anybody said anything to me. It's presented that, "Can't you celebrate Mother's day with your kids another time?" Which I can, but what I expect will happen, given the ex's previous behavior, is that ex will set up some elaborate celebration honoring his new wife as mom on that day. I can't take anymore of this witch and him behaving like she's their mom.
Do ya'll think I'm too sensitive and overreacting? Or do I have a legitimate complaint?
Oh, and another thing, somebody else referred to her as mother and me as stepmother the other day...I'm sick of that too.
I'm a tired cupcake.
Edited to add another GRRR...
We all live in the same neighborhood and know alot of the same people. Just this past weekend, an old neighbor said to me, "you should have heard the awful things NW had to say about you!". I just said that I wouldn't be surprised by anything she or he had to say and let it go. It was very hard to hold my tongue. That really angers me, to be talked about negatively behind my back. If that behavior continues, I'm gonna lose any desire to behave gracefully.
Edited 1/16/2006 12:26 pm ET by momsacupcake

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Cupcake,
I am so sorry you are going through that- I read your post thinking "Oh my God, this is my future" because my ex & his girlfriend are getting married (not sure when) and she ALREADY acts like mommy, I am absolutely terrified of what it will be like once they are officially a "family". They don't live together yet, but she is always over at his place (the house that he & I bought together) and my old neighbor told me that they go on walks & play outside all the time and she is always holding my daughter's hand or carrying her around and kissing her, which was the most painful thing I think i've ever heard. KISSING HER??? That's MY BABY GIRL :(
And my ex is so damn lazy, I know that when my daughter is over there his girlfriend is the one bathing her, doing her hair, getting her ready for bed, feeding her, etc. Just like when we were married, he can't possibly lift a finger if a woman is around to do the job- because after all, that's what women are for according to him. @sshole. I know I should look at that as a good thing that my daughter is being taken care of- but I just wish her DADDY COULD DO IT, I feel like i'm sharing custody with his girlfriend. And since she's doing all of these "mommy" things with her, I wonder how confusing it is for my daughter- she's only 2. Can a 2 year old think she has 2 mommies or do they know they only have 1? I know that sounds stupid, but I think about that all the time. Scares the hell out of me to think that my daughter could look at us like "equals".
Anyway, I know my post contributed absolutely nothing for you....but I just wanted to tell you I feel your pain and I think i'll be right there with you in a little bit.
Oh, also wanted to tell you that you are so strong & patient- if that happened to me (girlfriend took the day to spoil & pamper my daughter while I was at work) I would have flipped out & taken the day off of work (probably been fired) and done everything I could have to piss off the girlfriend. I know I know....very immature. Need to work on that.
Lainie
OMG, I don't know how you stand it!
You are so right about controlling your reaction but in the face of all that, who could avoid being ticked off!!!
They sound like kids playacting at being a family. I'll bet it will wear off in time.
I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't.
Susie
Thanks, lainie1015, you did help by validating my feelings. I protest about any of this to ex and I just get some condescending remark about being selfish and "not putting the kids first". I totally understand about feeling like you're sharing custody of your kids with the new woman instead of the father. That's the way it is with them too. He's only around long enought to lord it over everybody. She's (--or the older sibs) the one who does all the childcare for my youngest. The teens act as if she isn't there, actually.
I started getting worried about this before they married. When they were in such a rush to marry and knowing she had been divorced with no kids for so long, made me see a woman desperate for a family and willing to try to take over mine (well, she's welcome to that man-jerk).
Thanks, I'm trying to just see this as not having to pay a day's childcare fees.
Thanks, Susie
It is like playacting.
Ex thinks he has re-created his nuclear family, just with a different body in the role of mom. I just can't quite get over being replaced--yet--with too much grace. I'm just so sick of hearing him saying "we're" getting DD ready for or "we're" teaching her XXX.
And I've known him for 20+ years. I know he's doing it to hurt me and I get mad at myself because I still let him hurt me, even knowing what I do.
He's just such an (expletive deleted)! I know what he's really like, so I know this new "superdad" persona is false. I frankly am surprised she puts up with him.
Hi Cupcake...
I understand completely how you feel.
Last "take your daughter to work day" was on my stbx's day and since my kids come to work with me quite a bit, I just figured they could sleep in and enjoy the day with their dad........... well I find out that his girlfriend "took the girls to her work". Ouch! That hurt. She stopped in to her work and then took them to the movies and Dave and Busters (like Chuckie Cheese) and I got to hear all about it the whole evening....
It is so funny about the jealousy thing......... just when I think I have hardened my heart enough that nothing will phase me........... something hits me in the gut. But then again... I think we have good days when we are strong and can take it and then we have the days when it hurts more than it should. I don't think there is a solution to "how can I not let them hurt me".... it just takes time and more time...
Now... in regard to Mother's Day....... I understand why you are letting them go... how about trading "Fathers Day" for your Mother's Day. I think that would be only fair... and see how he feels giving up his Father's Day........... "he can celebrate it another time"
I think you have a legitimate complaint and no you are not over sensitive.
I also live in the same town as my stbx and girlfriend and it is extremely hard.... school functions, old neighbors, shoot .... we even go to the same gym........ I also see her socializing with a few of my "old friends"..... you toughen up over time and I just hold my head up high and don't let them see me hurting.
Seriously think about switching for Fathers Day....
Hugs
Cupcake,
I agree, the most frustrating part is when my ex gets mad at me for not LIKING his girlfriend!! He says stuff like "It really upsets her that you aren't accepting" and "She really wants to get along with you and SHARE EXPERIENCES WITH ANGELINA" Like HELL i'm going to sit on the phone and gab about our experiences with MY daughter! He wants us to be best buds I guess- well hell will be quite frozen over for that to happen. He also says "She's going to be in Angelina's life forever, as a mother figure, so you are going to have to get over it- you aren't the only female influence in her life". By the way, I absolutely despise the term 'mother-figure'. You are a mother or you aren't in my opinion: simple as that- SHE'S NOT THE MOTHER! Why am I the only one who sees that? He also says hurtful things like "she's a better mother than you could ever dream to be" and I know he's just trying to hurt me so I don't take that seriously, but it does hurt like hell to hear that. And as far as her being a female influence...I sure pray to God my daughter isn't influenced by her. Did I ever mention that her & I use to be FRIENDS? Not good friends, but friends nonetheless. I hope my daughter would understand you don't shack up with your friends ex-husband. She's a bit of a...how should I put this....um....tramp? (There are so many other words I want to use, but I know my post would be removed- use your imagination). Not the type of "influence" I want around my daughter.
Lainie
Thanks for understanding. I don't feel so nutso to hear somebody else say they felt the same way.
No, I didn't even consider asking to switch for Father's Day. The way the dates fall in our custody arrangement, Mother's day would have been "extra" time for me anyway. I will ask for an extra weekend sometime soon. We'll see if he remembers how cooperative I was. I'm really not so upset with giving up the time for this "once in a lifetime" event--it's just that she'll get praised for having taken on these children to raise, like she's some virtuous saint. Maybe I'll just leave out (for all to see) that email I have of her calling me profane names.
It's really hard for me to toughen up and not let it get to me. I am SO not a witch. I got the nickname cupcake, actually, from a college friend who said I was sweet and soft like a cupcake. I don't treat people badly, so it's shocking to me when I get treated badly.
ITA--you're either a mother or you aren't. My kids have only one mother and I'm it, not her.
Huge Hugs Cupcake!
I do know how you are feeling!
Hugs~ Lexi
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown
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