Getting the Guts

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
Getting the Guts
6
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 4:34pm

My h and are have not been emotionally and physically intimate for several years.  He is probably depressed, I want a new life, but we have two beautiful teenagers, who I don't want to damage.

He is a good dad, and loves them dearly.  He's just not for me, esp. as I am getting older, I don't want to spend the last part of my life with him.  He doesn't take care of himself, he will end up sickly, and he lays around a lot.

I am having difficulty making the move, telling him what I want....and taking the next steps.  I'm afraid of dealing with the "upset,"  I'm afraid of not having my kids around, and that lifestyle change.  But, I am so lonely, and haven't had a loving relationship in several years.  I miss that.

I have sacrificed my own needs for so long to protect and take care of my kids.  I struggle with continuing as is, or making the move.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-23-2013 - 9:25pm

I don't necessarily feel that teenagers are going to be "damaged" just because their parents get divorced, if it is done in a manner where the parents aren't fighting all the time or using the kids to get back at each other.  If they are teenagers they can spend time with both parents--of course you would not have them around every day, but they are growing up anyway.  I suppose it depends on how old they are--if you want to be miserable for a year or 2, maybe you could wait--but if it's 4 or 5 yrs, that's a long time.  And don't make the mistake of thinking that if you just wait til they go to college & then get divorced, it will have no effect on them.  I think no matter what age children are, even if they are adults, it's upsetting to have their parents get divorced.  But it also doesn't give them a good role model for marriage to have parents who don't have a good marriage.  I have a friend who waited until her youngest was graduating from high school to get divorced and she regrets that she didn't do it sooner.  By then she was in her mid-50's and it's just very hard to meet a new man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 10:02pm
Yes, I am in my mid 50's now, and my kids are 14, just entering high school. I have thought of it all. But, I am alone now. Sometimes, I think if I could change the way I look at it all. But, then I am not trusting myself. Your advice is good, and just like the info from my therapist. Thanks
Avatar for lizmvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001
Thu, 06-27-2013 - 11:24pm

You mentioned that you have difficulty telling your husband what you want. Before you jump to divorce, have you thought of telling him what you want out of a happy marriage? If you haven't told him, how do you expect him to realize that he could be contributing to such a sadness?

I know you also mentioned seeing a therapist. Are you able to vocalize what you would like to many people? I am getting the impression that if you are feeling like you are sacrificing so much that you're acting like a silent martyr. Maybe being able to speak up on your behalf should be something you can work on with your therapy? That might help you to visualize not only how to handle a divorce but also how to better be involved in building a happy relationship, whether it's with your current husband or anyone else.

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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http://www.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 4:06pm

My husband left (at my "invitation" after 20 years of marriage, and I had three sons, 17, 15, and 10.  My husband had been a cheater for years, sometimes one night stands, a couple of real "relationships", and his alcoholism was getting progressively worse.  He either didn't talk to me at all, or was verbally abusive, and kind of the same with our sons.  One thing I made sure of was to NEVER start anything in front of the boys, and once he was gone, NEVER say one bad thing about him.  I felt that when they were adults, they would understand it all without me telling them.  I basically just told them that their Dad and I weren't happy with each other, and that it had nothing to do with them whatsever.  Strangely enough, the ten year old actually told me "It's ok Mom, lots of kids in my class have divorced parents!"  From the mouths of babes!!  Unfortunately for the boys, to punish ME for having the audacity to divorce him, he paid very little attention to his sons.  He would come to see them two or three times a year, always with something expensive for them.  A stereo, a video game, etc.  A half hour later he'd leave.  I guess that soothed HIS guilty conscience.  As for feeling unloved, and not wanting to spend the rest of your life that way, there is NO guarantee that you'll meet another man to be with.  The older we get, the worse the single men are......either divorced for a reason, or not marriage material at all.  Before you worry about a "new love" you need to learn to love yourself first.  Learn to do things on your own.  Learn that life can be good on your own.  And while you're doing things and enjoying your life, you will meet like minded men. Join Clubs.  Take night classes at a community college.  Don't jump into a new relationship immediately.  It's a proven fact that women seem to gravitate toward the same type of man that they just divorced.  Don't forget how the dating process works......men (and women) are usually on their best behavior for 6 months to a year after meeting.  If they know you want to go out to nice restaurants, they'll take you even though it's not their cup of tea.  The minute they "get" you, no more nice restaurants.  You like movies once a week, they hate movies, but they'll take you.......for a while.  You get the idea.  There are a lot of frogs in the pond, but you don't take the first one you kiss, either.  If you find a good man, wonderful, but if not, learn to live life alone, and/or find a good group of women friends that are single too.  Life is what you make it.  If you want to sit around feeling sorry for "poor me"......fine, but if not, then make a good life for yourself!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 06-29-2013 - 4:07pm

My husband left (at my "invitation" after 20 years of marriage, and I had three sons, 17, 15, and 10.  My husband had been a cheater for years, sometimes one night stands, a couple of real "relationships", and his alcoholism was getting progressively worse.  He either didn't talk to me at all, or was verbally abusive, and kind of the same with our sons.  One thing I made sure of was to NEVER start anything in front of the boys, and once he was gone, NEVER say one bad thing about him.  I felt that when they were adults, they would understand it all without me telling them.  I basically just told them that their Dad and I weren't happy with each other, and that it had nothing to do with them whatsever.  Strangely enough, the ten year old actually told me "It's ok Mom, lots of kids in my class have divorced parents!"  From the mouths of babes!!  Unfortunately for the boys, to punish ME for having the audacity to divorce him, he paid very little attention to his sons.  He would come to see them two or three times a year, always with something expensive for them.  A stereo, a video game, etc.  A half hour later he'd leave.  I guess that soothed HIS guilty conscience.  As for feeling unloved, and not wanting to spend the rest of your life that way, there is NO guarantee that you'll meet another man to be with.  The older we get, the worse the single men are......either divorced for a reason, or not marriage material at all.  Before you worry about a "new love" you need to learn to love yourself first.  Learn to do things on your own.  Learn that life can be good on your own.  And while you're doing things and enjoying your life, you will meet like minded men. Join Clubs.  Take night classes at a community college.  Don't jump into a new relationship immediately.  It's a proven fact that women seem to gravitate toward the same type of man that they just divorced.  Don't forget how the dating process works......men (and women) are usually on their best behavior for 6 months to a year after meeting.  If they know you want to go out to nice restaurants, they'll take you even though it's not their cup of tea.  The minute they "get" you, no more nice restaurants.  You like movies once a week, they hate movies, but they'll take you.......for a while.  You get the idea.  There are a lot of frogs in the pond, but you don't take the first one you kiss, either.  If you find a good man, wonderful, but if not, learn to live life alone, and/or find a good group of women friends that are single too.  Life is what you make it.  If you want to sit around feeling sorry for "poor me"......fine, but if not, then make a good life for yourself!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:31am

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