getting H to talk for himself

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
getting H to talk for himself
2
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 11:33pm
I have a question that I haven't seen approached here on the boards. first, I'm doing a little better today, thank you all for your support. Now, my H's GF is doing the same things that she did previously to my daughters. She is trying to communciate to my children for my H. I guess they haven't learned to not try this approach in dealing with my children. It only makes them feel as if he doesn't want to take the time to try to make amends himself. My children are not little anymore, they are 23 and 32, they don't want anything to do with their father or his gf. They have both spoken their minds to their father, they both have told him straight out that they disapprove of his lieing, his betrayals. The biggest problem is that she is continuing to do this. My H still has some things that are mine, and now they are finally sending them to me, it is her handwriting that wrote out the label, she also puts on it that they are praying for me. I do know that this is an attempt on their part to try to provoke me into a confrontation. I refuse to give into their childess ways. I also still haven't reaceived any papers from my H. This leads me to beleive that his lawyer probably told him he didn't have a chance and that the best thing to do is to try to get any kind of anything on me. Arguing, bickering, etc. This man hurt my children, I don't care how old they are. I did not speak on their behalf at all, I never said a word, they spoke their minds themselves. I do know also that the package that came today, my daughter did not approve of it at all. She was upset with it also. We all know what a coward he is, we all know that he'd much rather have someone else do the work for him. I have chosen to do things differently this time, I am ignoring everything from them. I will not give into any provacation at all. I'm too tired and I'm too old for these high school antics. It just isn't worth the effort or the time it takes to go into it. I am worried about my children though, any ideas on how I can handle this situation. I have heard and seen how some women do call the OW, or tell the OW to go you know where. Will I be out of line if I tell her to back off? Tell her to stay out of the things pretaining to my children. Do I have the right to tell them that by her speaking for their father is only making matters worse?
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:32am

You can do whatever you want to do...but this is feeding into what THEY want you to do. They are most likely doing all of this to push your buttons and to get a reaction from you.

Since your kids are older (and adults), they should tell her "quit speaking for my father. He's a grown man". Your kids should confront their father and tell him what's on their mind. If you encourage them to do this (instead of you), they will learn to communicate and learn to stand up for them selves! If you say somethign to their father (or his girlfriend), your ex and her will take it as you are "just the jealous ex wife". Believe me...i've been there done that (and my kids are 13 and 11). Encourage your kids to talk to him about their feelings.

Heal yourself. You can not make him a better father to your kids. You cant force a relationship that is broken. It took me a while to learn this....Encourage your kids to ask him out for a lunch-just him-so they can talk to him.....

HUGE hugs
Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 12:00pm
Thank you. I agree with what you are saying. Problem is, she doesn't want him to call our daughters unless she is there with him. When he does talk to them, she's always in the background telling him what to say, she does it when he has called me, I end up hanging up on him, he always trys to get them to talk to her. I know 100% that they don't want to talk to her at all. To make matters worse, she is now sending my daughters e-mails through his e-mail account. She knows they won't open it if it's from her account. So far my daughters are not responding to her e-mails. This just really bothers me. I know they are trying to push my buttons and get a reaction out of me. Which means to me that they are using my daughters as tools to get to me. The threat of divorce papers from him was just that, a threat. I think he found out that he doesn't have a very strong case at all, and that he will end up paying alimony whether he wants to or not. She is taking way too many liberties while still being considered my husbands mistress. We are not legally divorced, not even legally seperated, she has no right to do anything or say anything on my husbands behalf. The fact that my husband is a coward, (he knows he did wrong by our kids) he is leaving making the amends up to his mistress. This in turn makes my daughters even more resentful. It's really sad, I never wanted HIM to be out of their lives, I lost my Dad, I know what it's like, I didn't want them to lose theirs. They both have said to me that "Dad is gone to them". Throughout our marriage, I always was the one who tried to keep things going as a family. They both have said many times that my husband wasn't an involved father at all. Things can't be fixed for my husband and I. He's just a major idiot and a coward, leaves everything up to other people to take care of. So far I have kept quiet, I just come here to get it out of my system. Thanks again