Getting on in my own little way

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2007
Getting on in my own little way
6
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 2:23pm

Okay, so I'm fine with the divorce that he asked for but which everyone expects me to take care of getting done. I got the papers, filled them out, had a hard time getting him to look at them at all to make sure I didn't miss anything and then had to get him to the notary to get everything notarized. I'm paying for the filing (unless I decide to ask him to fork over half which I think I will since he is in Vegas with his girlfriend this weekend.) Then I find out we HAVE to take a 4 hour parenting class, which I will make sure he pays his part since the cost is based on individual income and he makes twice what I make. I'm not trying to be mean in any of this, don't get me wrong. I still love my stbx and always will. We have been more friends than anything these last few years and will continue to be even better friends. I will be meeting his girlfriend at the end of this month and really can't wait. I'm looking forward to it because I hold nothing against her. It was all him but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, while I am on my own and responsible for myself for the first time in 18 years, I'm going through some strange and mixed emotions. I know I can do this. I have a strong feeling that because of my marriage and divorce and how it all came about, I will have a really hard time trusting any guys again. I don't know if I can ever be in a relationship and feel comfortable and that saddens me. I know I deserve better than what I've had even though it wasn't a bad marriage. It was one that just shouldn't have been.

When he first told me to leave I begged him to let me try harder and do what ever it was he needed or wanted. I asked if we could just start over, why didn't we do counseling if it was as bad as he insists it was. He never gave me any indication it was that bad. But I've changed my whole way of thinking lately. It's still hard but some of these thoughts just really help me make it through and even bring a smile to my face.

Here goes. He was always in charge of the money. I couldn't handle the bills when we first got together so he took everything over. We only had a joint checking account which I have always fully believed in. But if I ever needed any money I had to ask. He never turned me down though so that wasn't a problem. But I had 1 credit card where he has usually had 2 or 3. I was only supposed to use it for gas and prescriptions. Every once in a while I would get the urge to go buy a $10 pair of shoes (that's what most of my shoes cost) or a $15 shirt or a piece of makeup. This usually happened once, sometimes twice a month. Granted I spent money on books. I would go to this book fair every year and spend maybe $40 dollars. Once a year! I didn't belong to book clubs, music clubs, drive a $800 month payment truck. My car is less than $500 a month and I really had to beg for that over the $200 month car I did have. He is the one who went out and bought a mustang about 6 years ago. He is the one who when he decided he wanted a new vehicle he would just go get it. And then I would find out when I saw it. He is the one who went out and bought a boat. He is the one who wanted to buy a camper to carry the motorcycles in this year. Granted I agreed but I had dreams of us taking the bikes on long camping trips and enjoying them. Together. He went out and bought the $2000 tv, the list could go on. Which all comes down to the fact that he is the reason that we got into so much debt. And he takes his girlfriend to Vegas for the weekend which I know for a fact that after the hotel, flight and even tickets is costing him at least $2500.

So I can go on in my new life knowing that I am in charge of my money and any debt that I incur is mine and mine alone. I don't have to worry about not having enough money to buy the kids school pictures. I'm doing it because I know I have the money. He has the kids during the week for school and I get them what ever weekend I want (meaning I will have them probably every weekend so he can go see her in another state no less, spend money on gas.) So, I finally went out and splurged on something that I have been looking at for over a year. I bought my first piece of carnival glass. It's a beautiful bowl that I know he never would have let me buy. All I can think about it that she will be sharing his debt with him. I actually feel sorry for her because of that. But I don't have to worry about it.

Oh, I'm at the house (in his name only now) with the boys and the house is a mess. Still trying to decide how badly I want to clean it. Help me out with this one.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:31pm

I am sorry, but I don't understand your situation -- why are you giving him everything -- including the house? The man is a mess. To decide he wants to marry the old fiance of 18 years ago and that you took advantage of him for 18 years etc. -- not rationale. I still don't understand why you moved out ...

Please, please ... you should be getting 1/2 the house; 1/2 his retirement; spousal and child support. Please take care of yourself financially and legally.

And NO don't clean the house.

Please, take care of yourself and stop taking his nonsense. Please!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:19pm

Believe it or not for the last few months I'd been thinking how much I really didn't like the house with all its problems. There is so much work that needs to be done on it but I could never get him to do anything or help me get started on it. So it needs a lot of work to be sold. But it is going to be so hard to sell anyway cause there are houses in our town that have been on the market for months and can't sell. I really was sick of the house and it has bad memories for me now. I had envisioned us growing old together in it until he asked me to leave. So he refinanced it so he could get some money to pay off his bills which were quite a lot. I don't even know if he got his credit cards all paid off or not.

The kids need to stay in the house with whoever stayed because we have determined that the most important thing out of all of this is they (mainly my oldest) stay in the school they are in for the next year till he graduates. That's why we moved, the school district and friends and such. So I moved to an area I would be more comfortable in and take them whenever I want. We've even discussed me taking them out of school for a day here and there just to spend time with them. So since I don't have the kids I don't get child support (thank God he makes twice as much as me so I don't think I'll have to pay him) but I have told him that I will be responsible for school clothes, supplies, etc. I am really leaving him with a lot of debt. The only debt I have is my car and school loans, my rent and the credit card that had a $0 balance when I took it. I'll still have my own bills but I'll be fine on my own. And our divorce papers say there will be no spousal support.

We really have worked things out the best way possible. We were working off of 3 different scenarios: who got the kids and when, who got the house and we seemed to cover everything in between. We were working on the retirement thing but it just seemed so complicated. We were planning one me taking 1/2 and rolling it into mine but then we started talking about all of us moving in a year. I plan to buy a house and would like to put a good down payment on it. Which means I know I would not be able to save up what I want to put down. So he is going to stop paying into his 401k and put that money into an account for me and I'll use that for a down payment. So it will all work out in the end.

I still have my days when I'm so uncertain of the future but I know that I will be fine. We have everything in writing and it will go in to divorce papers so I know that will be okay. Yes, strange situation. But I don't hate my stbx and don't see myself ever hating him. Yes, I'm sad this is all happening but I have faith that I'll come out a stronger person for it. I've not been alone for 18 years. I can now discover myself and I look forward to it. Hell, we have been going out for drinks and dinner here and there. So we get along great. How many divorcing couples can say that. Oh, the area I moved to is near most of my in-laws. My choice. I wanted to be close to them because we are still friends.

Okay, I won't clean the house. But it's hard not to. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 8:23pm

Hey,

Just read your post. It's like a disaster ready to happen. Make sure you have a good lawyer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 8:56pm

Make sure you have RECORDS of everything...I think this guy is about to screw ya. Get a goo lawyer and get all this stuff into a signed separation agreement...then breathe at deep sigh. Until then, play nice but, play BY THE BOOK. He is set to get the house and the kids...holy carboli!

Good luck to you! You have a great attitude and seem very kind, I just don't want you to get burned. My husband of 10 years cheated, I took his a** to the cleaners, got the kids, the works. He hates me but, I really could care less!

Best,
Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 9:08pm

I have to agree with the other posters. No offense but this sounds crazy. You are giving everything and getting nothing. Even if he makes twice your income, if you accept limited physical custody then you could end up paying child support. I understand the deal with wanting the kids to stay in the school district, but you should be able to work something out where you still get your share of the marital assets (assuming you have equity in the marital residence). You say one child is about to graduate, what about the other one? If you only need to worry about the school district for about 2 years, why can't you stay in the house, receive child support and agree to sell when the youngest graduates and split the proceeds?

What about his pension? In NJ you are entitled to 1/2. You are setting yourself up for a financial disaster and who knows what will happen with your kids. Do you want them living full time with the GF? JMHO but it seems that you are still trying to take care of your STBX. I feel that I can say that because I was that way, too. I had to hire a good attorney to smack some sense in to me.LOL Seriously, hire not a good attorney, but a great one. Also, talk to someone, preferably a therapist, about why you are doing this. Don't sign anything until you have resolved these issues. It is one thing to desire an amicable divorce, it is something else entirely to let someone walk all over you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 5:00pm
wow.. as I began reading I thought I was typing the message. I didn't ask for my sepaprtion it was all him. Youa dn I sound so much alike..right up to where u had to ask for money. I control the bills and income etc.
As for cleaning the house.. NO WAY!! As much as it may urk you to do , it is his mess. Clean up after your children and leave the rest.
wish u all the best
T