getting ready to separate

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
getting ready to separate
6
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 11:35am
Hi, I'm new here. I'm not divorced yet, but we are getting ready to separate. I couldn't find a separation board, so I hope this is the one to post at. We've got 4 kids, aged 6 to 3 months and my dh has fallen out of love. We've been going to a counselor for the last 2 months, and he gave a half-hearted attempt to work on things a month or so ago to no avail. I think he needs to be out to figure out if this is what he wants, which is killing me. How does this work? Do we see other people?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:07pm
So sorry for your pain. The best thing you can do now, for yourself and your children, is continue counseling by yourself. You are only responsible for your own choices, not your husband's. Generally, it's best to wait til a year after the divorce is final to begin dating again. When you are separated, you actually are still married and it sounds like you hope it will work out. Use this time to work on yourself so no matter which way your husband goes, you'll be able to deal with it and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:48pm
Hi! I too am getting ready to go through a separation, I think. My husband doesn't want to make a decision right at this moment but I know in his heart that the decision has been made. His main concern is our 2 boys, 9 & 11. It's mine too. I guess I just don't know how to 'be' anymore. I still have this person in my house and yet it's like we are strangers, I feel like I am walking on eggshells. How do you act 'normal' when NOTHING is normal. Part of me just wants it done so I can move on somehow but the other part is scared to death! I'm worried about my kids, money, being alone and so much else. I know people do this all the time but how to you begin to get through it????
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:59pm
Thank you for the advice.
I feel your pain knibrn. I've been walking on eggshells since our son was born (mid June), actually before that, I just didn't know how bad it was. I feel all those emotions you described. I found a messageboard that has an ebook that has been really helpful on how to be. They call it BS&LI (bright, shining, and lovingly indifferent). It has really helped me. Let me know if you want to be directed to that board.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 2:12pm

Lorzanne,

There is something called a "Structured Separation." This means you live apart but you have rules, such as who pays the bills, fixes the car, visitation for the kids, and whether or not you date others. The idea of a structured separation is to give each other some breathing room and release from the day-to-day issues. It should give you better perspective on your marriage and what is going well and what is not. It's also a time to work on those issues individually and together. The timeframe for a structured separation is usually not more than 6 months.I strongly encourage you to find a counselor who understands what a structured separation is and how to work with you both during the time.

People fall in and out of love with their spouses. My question for you is do you LIKE each other? If you are friends, not just spouses, you have a lot of reasons to save your marriage. I'm not suggesting you have tolive without love or romance, but you need to recognize you can work through these phases and have a better marriage. My advice is to NOT date anyone during a separation. You're already emotionally fragile and getting involved with someone is not a good idea when you are coming out of a relationship.

Good luck,
Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 2:30pm
Thanks for the advice!
I guess we are kind of doing a structured separation. We talked a lot yesterday and the plan is that he will move out, I will continue to handle all the bills and such. He'll get the kids one weeknight plus every other weekend. We won't see other people, will keep wearing our wedding rings, and after a few weeks we are going to go on a date.
Actually, we do like each other. A lot, I think. My hope is that we can still work this out. Time will tell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:24pm
I will pray for you. I want the same thing. It is incredibly hard being divorced and if you can save your family by all means do it. I don't believe you will ever regret it.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda