Getting through this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Getting through this
10
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:35pm

It's been almost 2 months since we've seperated. I put in the seperation agreement everything we had discussed and he had agreed to.... until he saw it in writing, then he's like, " I don't know if I can do that much in spousal support". I didn't even want spousal support. My attorney said, "If he's offering it, then take it. Stop being so nice to him". Why did he change his mind? Who knows? I don't understand why we're getting a divorce. That's not true, I do get it. I just hurt so damn bad I can't take it.

How is it I know, rationally, that I'll be okay, kids will be okay. We will get through this. I am a strong, resourceful woman. I did not deserve any of this. I deserve better. If I know all this, then why, oh why, do I keep breaking down crying like it's the end of the world?! It doesn't make sense to me. Where the hell is my off button, so I can flick the sadness and despair off, and move on?!

I don't even want him back. I know I am grieving the husband and marriage I wish I had, not the one I did have. So, why all the sadness? Why is there this intense need to understand it all. Like, why wasn't I enough? Why couldn't he be honest and faithful? I wasn't enough and he just wasn't faithful or honest. That's it. End of it. What answers do I possibly want that will make it all ok? I know rationally that no answer will satisfy what I'm looking for. Why do I still pursue it?

Is this how most feel? Is all this a "normal" part to getting through it? Or, is this borderline crazy and I need help? It's not getting easier. Every weekend while he takes the kids, I feel lonely and full of despair. I hate they are making memories without me. I hate that our family is over. I miss the family I wish I'd had.

I know there are no diehard answers to these questions. Anyone else feel all this? The more I hear how people survive this, then it reassures me I will, too. He said he wanted out because he didn't like being married to me, but I am his best friend, and he'll always love me. What the hell?

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 4:47pm
If you're crazy than I am too. An "off" button would be nice sometimes, but from what I hear the only way past the pain is through it. (((Hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:24am

If it's any comfort, I know EXACTLY what you mean...

I hope it helps you to write about your feelings here and have them validated by the women here who have been through those same experiences and emotions. It's part of surviving the grief. It's hard but it doesn't last forever, though.

My ex made my life a living heck at the end, and I was the one who initiated the divorce, but I still grieve for the loss of the dream of the happy marriage I wanted.

Keep coming here...it helped me greatly. Your feelings and questions are totally NORMAL!!!

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:42am

I also feel like I'm ready for the loony bin some days... going through the exact same things... wondering WHY it had to happen...

i had a great marriage and a good guy (up until the last 6 months to a year when he pulled away from me)... so i journal how i;m feeling each day... i write down the questions i have for him that i'll never ask... but what i've started to so was write down some good memories at the end of each journal entry... it helps me remember the good stuff with the bad... to realize that i shouldn't be sad that it's over .. i should be glad it happened... i learned a lot about myself since the end of our relationship/friendship... and i'll keep learning... i'll keep working through the pain... because in the end ... i know i'll be ok... AND SO WILL YOU...

i lift my head high and say i'm exactly where i am supposed to be right now...

((HUGS))

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:05pm

hey, it's going to be OK. Everything you are feeling is normal and important to feel so you can do your grieving and eventually move on in a healthy way. There are so many emotions you will go thru until you get to forgiveness and acceptance.

I think you need to do things to nurture yourself and get yourself out of the house when the kids leave. To take the focus off of yourself for a little while why not try doing some volunteer work. you will meet new people and feel good about helping others. You also need to do some exercise to get you endorphins up and running, natural high and you need a good pick me up.

Take a moment and visit my website www.todaysdivorcedwoman.com. The resources there will help you as well as my book Congratulations on Your Divorce. It will help get you thru the process and help jump start your new life.

Take one day at a time, remember to laugh and if you get too depressed see your doctor. This will be a bad chapter in your book but your story will go on and it can be a great one. I remember that rawness and I promise, it gets better.

Big Hug,
Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:39pm
Honey, its only been 2 months. Yes, you are greiving what maybe you thought it was - but at the very least, what it SHOULD have been. But reality is, it wasnt. & its SO ok to greive. To be sad. But in time your life will get brighter & you will start to see the positives. You have a whole new LEASE on life. You will be ok!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:40pm

Oh wow, as I read your post I began to have flash backs. Everything you described is exactly where I was almost 2 years ago. I knew my marriage was not a great marriage, but I never dreamed he would lie and cheat and I would be stuck with NO answers. Well, I guess I got answers but none that made sense. None, that in my mind, justified wrecking two marriages (she was married too) and hurting 3 very young children (he moved out when our youngest was 2 months old....told me the day we came home from the hospital with her that he wasn't "in love" with me anymore). So NO, you are not crazy. There may be a chance that some mild antidepressant could help you through this, but that is a decision you need to make with your doctor. Do not be afraid to ask for help if it all gets to be too much.

Unfortunately, the answers that you so long to find will never come. Like you said, no answer will satisfy you. I, too, mourned the loss of what I wanted my marriage to be and the family I wanted to have. The sad thing is, I didn't have those things when I was married. Also like you, I take pride in the fact that I'm a strong woman. My biggest problem was that I lost a lot of that during my short 3 year marriage. He was mentally/verbally abusive, but it was so subtle at first I didn't see it. Once he was out of the house it was so obvious and I started getting my strength back. Moving on each day is hard to do. Looking back I have NO idea how I survived the first year. Yes, I'm a strong woman but it was pure h*ll. I was working, had a 14 month old girl and a newborn girl. A home to take care of and a divorce to go through. Oh, he also physically abused me once after he moved out (minor)AND I found out he was addicted to pot. I found out that there is only one option.....you JUST DO IT! Yes, I guess there are other options, but none that made sense to me. I fought hard for my girls and I've worked hard to forgive a lot of what he and his "mistress" have done to me and my family.

It's been a long hard road, but my life is better than when I was married. I can remember the days and nights of looking at my baby girls and crying my eyes out for them. I did not want this to happen to them, I did not want them to have come from a "broken home", I did NOT want to share them with anyone else. I remember the first week or two of being back at work after maternity leave there would be days I couldn't even make it through a whole day at work without breaking down in tears and having to leave because I couldnt' stop crying. I still mourn the loss of my family, but it's the family I've dreamed about since I was a little girl, not the one I had. It still hurts me to know that even IF someday I meet someone else, it will not be what I wanted for my girls, which is to have mommy and daddy together. However, life is good. I have a great job (just got a promotion actually), the girls are healthy and happy and I have the best support from my parents and sisters that anyone could ask for. I'm very stubborn and almost never ask for help, but I know they do it anyway and I know if I ever feel I need help they will be there in a flash.

My heart goes out to you and your children. Don't be hard on yourself, you need time to grasp all that is happening and all that you will go through in the process. I don't get to post much, but just reading each day helps me to remember that I'm not alone. When I saw your post I just knew I needed to respond because I could physically feel your pain. When you have time for yourself, try not to sit around and think about everything. If you need to put some pictures and things away for while, then do that. I'm making new memories for the girls and I, yet I'm also trying to assure them that mommy AND daddy love them. We include daddy in our prayers at night and I encourage them to call him. He does see them and what still breaks my heart more than the divorce is that the "mistress" is still with him. Not that it's a horrible thing because I would MUCH rather him be in a stable relationship rather than him bring women in and out of the our daughter's lives, but I just do not care for her. She is not someone I would chose to be friends with, yet I have no choice in the matter. She's known my 2nd daughter about as long as I have:( I can get over the divorce, I can get over the cheating, I can get over the lies and broken promises, but I'm still having a hard time letting go of the fact that I have been forced to share MY babies with another woman.

Well, I didn't mean to end on a slightly bitter note, but I also don't want to paint a rosy picture either. It is hard and there are many times you will need to swallow your pride (at least I have had to), but you sound very determined to get through this and that is all it takes. Take is slow, don't rush feelings and find time for you to find out who you are and what type of "family" you want to be in the future. I remember crying to mom that I was losing my family and she so easily said but you are a family, you and the girls. Since that day, I don't look at us as anything less than a "family"!

Good luck to you and I hope you will continue to post here. This is a great place for the support you need and will continue to need.

Take Care,

Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 7:46pm

I am going through the same thing right now and feeling the same feelings. My stbx left on 10/02 and I have a 1 and 3yo. We are going for full custody without the lover being able to see the kids for 2 months, and now I find out that I have been served with divorce papers and he is going for full custody too. (Only I am his 3rd marriage and he did the same to each one of us.) His 2 oldest children and his entire family will have nothing to do with him, at all, and are supporting me 100%, but it is still really hard and sometimes I think maybe I should call my doctor about this depression, and then I will get angry again, and think maybe not. I hope that made sense.

Anyway, what Anne said "I can get over the divorce, I can get over the cheating, I can get over the lies and broken promises, but I'm still having a hard time letting go of the fact that I have been forced to share MY babies with another woman" pretty much hits the nail on the head for me too! Thanks Anne! I will probably have a mental breakdown when that day comes because right now all visitation is here.

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:54pm
Hugs and prayers to you at this difficult time. It's only been 2 months honey! It takes time. BELIEVE me! It has been 2 1/2 years for me and I am still grieving my loss. Grieving is a process its not one stop shopping or one size fits all! It's just something we have to go through in order to move on. It hurts, but the truth always does. If the truth were easy to deal with everyone would tell the truth all the time and no one would lie to themselves or anyone else. I don't know what else to say to you except hang in there, take the spousal support, its the very least he can do, and you deserve a fresh start and a little security. Take care!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 12:34pm

Anne, and everyone who responded so thoughtfully, THANK YOU! Thank you, for being here, for understanding, for the encouragement. This board has helped so much to lurk and to post. I didn't fall apart this weekend ( not as bad as I thought I would, anyway) when he took the boys back to Tennessee with him for a visit ( we live in VA). He actually called me on his cell to ask if I was ok because he knew how hard this was for me. That was thoughtful.

I stayed upbeat for the boys, telling them how much fun they will have and to enjoy themsevles. They were really looking forward to seeing Daddy's new apartment. That's what it really is all about, anyway. The boys. Keeping them happy, helping them through this. Rushing grief along would be helpful. Then I could accept that we really are better friends than spouses.

I'm not going to force anything, though. I'm going to concentrate on my boys, my home, my work, and making a new life for us. I am kind of excited about it. A lot scared, too. I've never lived on my own before, but I did spend a good amount of married life alone. I do have good support from all of you, and family. Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 2:31pm
I feel alot of the same ways you do. I think we belong together....I can't help but hold on. It's killing me. I am so hurt and confused. You are not crazy....or if you are, I am too. LOL. I am so glad I found this board. hang tough.