Getting through the bad days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Getting through the bad days
41
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:30am

On Tuesday I went to look at another apartment, and decided after one look that I would be miserable there. There was nothing in particular wrong with it, it was just dark and felt dingy, despite being clean and presentable. The property wasn't attractive, and the carpets were an ugly brown, and I knew I would be depressed to come home to that apartment every day. Then I found out that apartment #1, which I had really liked, was already taken. So, back to the beginning.

Getting home, feeling frustrated, I pulled into the parking lot just in time to see my stbx climbing into a shiny red car with one of the women he had cheated on me with. He sees no problem with this since he considers himself single at this point, but I was devestated. We had a yelling match when he returned that night (which I was worried he wouldn't) - it was good to get things off our chests, but it took a lot out of me, even if we were both less angry with each other by the end of it. I took the day off from work yesterday to try and recover some strength, took myself out someplace nice for the afternoon, and now I'm holding together a little bit better. But I just feel so weary, and I'm doing my best to push the sadness aside so I can get through the day. I can't let myself be crippled by this grief when I have forms to fill out and apartment searching to do....

It just crushes me whenever I think of him being with these other women (especially while I'm still living with him and we haven't even officially started the divorce mediation process). Thinking about the fact that soon, I won't be able to go to him for comforting hugs when I need a pair of warm arms around me (somehow I manage to still love him through all the anger and hurt). I'm surrounded by the love of my friends and family, but it's not always enough to chase away this pain. I feel so pathetic for letting myself get so attached to someone else that I fall apart when he can no longer be part of my life.

I'm strong, and I know I'll get through this in time, but I also feel so very weak. How do the rest of you cope with the waves of anger and sadness and depression and loneliness, and the sheer number of things that need to be done?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:30pm

I know how hard all this is and I am sorry you have to deal with it. The only thing I have is the benefit of my experience.

I get through the tough times in a few ways. When apartment hunting, I took someone with me - a friend or a family member. I didn't feel so alone.

When I get really low, I have a list of people by my phone that I can call (that way I don't feel like I am calling the same two people all the time).

When I get really overwhelmed, I look at my list of facts and fears and my "one year from now" list - that is where I want to be one year from now. I find myself crossing things off the list as I accomplish them and adding more to the bottom. The only things that go on my list are things I can control (not things I have to depend on my former husband or anyone else for). It helps to see how far I've come.

I also have tucked into my makeup bag a "why I rock" description of myself taped to the back of a picture of me looking happy. It reminds me of the happiness I feel at times and that I will get back there.

I also turn to family and friends when I need them.

Then of course, there is coming here. There is nothing like being about to post something and have others who have been there or are there with me respond and give me support and advice.

You are at the beginning of this process and still in the midst of a painful living situation. As you make steps to move away from this and build a life for yourself it will get easier. You will be amazed at the inner resources of strength you will find, often just as you need them and just as you thought you didn't have any more.

Keep coming here for support - you are not alone - you don't have to ever feel alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 4:51pm

I only have time to send you {{{HUGS}}}, but there they are.

And YES, oh YES and, like you, we just get through it. Come here and vent; share with friends as needed; pamper self as affordable. And know the pain, the conflicted emotions, the anxiety are something to be soldiered through.

Hugs again!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 5:38pm
Hi
I am currently going through the same feelings, can't understand how my soon to be ex could trade me and the kids in for someone that has no self respect or standards, she isn't even nice looking !!!!!
I am not sure how i get through some days as the hurt is almost unbearable, I can only take one day at a time some are better than others.
I gave 20 years of my life to him for him to up and leave us with nothing just because he has treated us so badly over the years that he can no longer face it and put it right, so he left to leave his conscience behind. I hope one day he realises what he has lost.
My children are a credit to me as they are stronger than me, and except he is a bad person and is not worth having around.
But how ever they treat us that feeling of emptiness is crushing and the pain that is left in the pit of your stomach make you just want to feel their arms around you just once more.
But i keep my childrens words close to me and remember that he isn't a nice person and why should i want a horrid person in my life.
Once i'm over this, and i will get over it i can then have a second chance of actually knowing what i can and can't live with next time,(should i choice to have a next time),
i have not got many friends as he drove them away, and family can't really understand but bless em they try to help ! , but i just remember my childrens words when i'm down and it helps to make me realise i don't need the rubbish life he gave me, and its not worth excepting second best, your worth more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:27pm
Loved your response, you can add another item to your "Why I rock" list!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:35pm
Thanks. Can you tell I'm big on making lists? LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:58pm
I just wanted to comment on the part where you said about the hugs from him. My ex WAS my support. Now that she is gone, I do not have that person to turn to. I hurts so much to think that the person you want to turn to for the hug is he one that is causing you the pain and the only person you cannot hug. I do not know how to cope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:58pm

Lists are VERY validating....


I LOVE LISTS!!!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 9:46pm
Great big hugs to you. You are not alone. My ex was my best friend. When I lost him I thought I had lost everything. I have since begun to learn that the only best friend you can have is yourself. I know just how you feel. Take care of yourself.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:25pm
Thank you very much. I have been separated/D for almost 3 years now, should be over it, but yesterday I got the call that I didn't want to hear but I knew that it would come (using words from Don Henley "Heart of the Matter" NEVER thought it would be for me) that she is moving in with her new beau and moving 70 miles away. Now even harder to see my only bright spot 3 yr old Isabell. So it was a BAD day. Thanks again for the hug, I needed it. K
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:44pm
Anytime! I have my own bright spot in my two boys. It's very hard to be without them every other week. I am sorry to hear your ex is moving so far away. I have been divorced for two and a half years and I know it is difficult. Here's another hug for today or save it for when you need it.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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