Getting through the bad days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Getting through the bad days
41
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:30am

On Tuesday I went to look at another apartment, and decided after one look that I would be miserable there. There was nothing in particular wrong with it, it was just dark and felt dingy, despite being clean and presentable. The property wasn't attractive, and the carpets were an ugly brown, and I knew I would be depressed to come home to that apartment every day. Then I found out that apartment #1, which I had really liked, was already taken. So, back to the beginning.

Getting home, feeling frustrated, I pulled into the parking lot just in time to see my stbx climbing into a shiny red car with one of the women he had cheated on me with. He sees no problem with this since he considers himself single at this point, but I was devestated. We had a yelling match when he returned that night (which I was worried he wouldn't) - it was good to get things off our chests, but it took a lot out of me, even if we were both less angry with each other by the end of it. I took the day off from work yesterday to try and recover some strength, took myself out someplace nice for the afternoon, and now I'm holding together a little bit better. But I just feel so weary, and I'm doing my best to push the sadness aside so I can get through the day. I can't let myself be crippled by this grief when I have forms to fill out and apartment searching to do....

It just crushes me whenever I think of him being with these other women (especially while I'm still living with him and we haven't even officially started the divorce mediation process). Thinking about the fact that soon, I won't be able to go to him for comforting hugs when I need a pair of warm arms around me (somehow I manage to still love him through all the anger and hurt). I'm surrounded by the love of my friends and family, but it's not always enough to chase away this pain. I feel so pathetic for letting myself get so attached to someone else that I fall apart when he can no longer be part of my life.

I'm strong, and I know I'll get through this in time, but I also feel so very weak. How do the rest of you cope with the waves of anger and sadness and depression and loneliness, and the sheer number of things that need to be done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 5:45pm
How old are your boys? I notice you are Feb. B Day. Should have held out for a couple more days and be a Pieces like me!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 10:20pm

My boys are 11 and 14. They are growing so fast. I have spent the summer teaching the oldest to drive and we went to freshman orientation at the high school last night. I know the next four years are going to whiz by and he'll be gone. It has been absolutely amazing to watch him mature in the last year. The physical changes alone are awe striking. Oh, I also got to teach him to shave this week. Electric shaver only. I have never shaved my face so this was quite an expirence. The younger one has taken the divorce the hardest. There are still a lot of tears. His age is hard anyway with all the hormone changes taking place. I spend every moment I can with them even when it isn't my week.
Three years old is a fun age. I know you will miss her terribly. Enjoy her now. They grow so fast. What kind of custody arrangement do you currently have? In Kansas, custody stays with the parent who stays in the school district, but since she's not in school I don't know how that would work. I will pray for you and her. No child should ever have to live without one parent or the other.

Hugs to you! Brenda
PS. I am so close to being a Pieces. Missed it by one day. I tend to express the tendancies both of Pieces and Aquarius.




Edited 8/17/2007 10:25 pm ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 1:18pm

Holy smokes!! Electric shaving, sounds like a good idea, until you do it. I highly suggest buying the Gillette Mach 3 razor. No joke, the best razor ever made, little to no cutting. Once he uses that compared to the electric, he will not go back. I got an electric as a gift and only hold onto to it 'cause it was a gift. I can imagine that the youngest would take it the hardest. My parents are still together, but right about that age, they were at it pretty bad. Funny how those things do not fade. Seeing that you are showing your son how to shave, does not sound like dad is in the picture much. That is too bad. A male role model I think is important. That is one of the things that tears me up the most, is not having the constant contact so that I can guide her correctly. Sure, the weekends and such, but discipline should not wait for that. Not talking about beating by any means, but the little things. We in MN have two different types of cusotody, I think like most states, physical and legal. My ex has sole physical custody and we have joint legal. So, that means that I GET to pay child support and only see her when I arrange it. I have no problem with the cash, except she make more to than me and takes trips to Cosa Rica while I try to pay the electric bill. I have in the divorce that she cannot move out of state without my permission. But MN is a large state!! So regardless, I have to be able to see her on the scheduled days. Sorry, long item, but it feels good to get out. Take care!!!

ps, why is the clef note symbolic for you? My Bday is the 22nd of Feb.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 10:36pm
Hello Stu! The boys' father actually has them every other week, buth he's not around much. Usually working or with GF. My 14yo and his father do not get along swimmingly. He doen't want to live with his father. Since their father no longer has me to pick on he has chosen os to pick on. They fight constantly. Their fighting is so hard on my younger son. Anyway, that is why I have spent the summer teaching my son fun stuff. I wouldn't have it any other way. They are my life. Thanks for the recommendation of the razor. Goodness knows I won't have a clue. LOL The boys' father and I have joint legal and joint physical custody. I do believe this is best. My parents were divorced. Still don't get along to this day. My father missed many things in my life just because he didn't want to be in the same room as "that woman". I will never have the relationship with my father that I should have. I understand the money issues, don't even get me started on that. I am glad to hear you are living up to your financial as well as physical obligation.
Don't ever appologize for "getting it out". I'll listen anytime. We all need someone to cus and discuss with.
Take care of yourself and don't be a stranger.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 9:01am
Hey Stu, I was just wondering how you were getting alone.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 5:22pm
Hugs and support over the net....I am going through the process now of selling the home we built together while my STBX moves on with his life and his other woman. We aren't divorced yet either; he's been gone since April and hasn't even filed! The worst part? He says I am now and will always be his best friend! I hate that. The one person I want to help me through the most devastating time of my life is the person that is responsible for the pain! I don't know how to get through it either, but I have found some sweet revenge. I am a teacher and have just recently gone back to school. My students and fellow teachers haven't seen me all summer, since my husband moved out. I have heard from more people in the past week that I am looking better than ever than I heard from him in the past year. It's not much, hell I don't have anyone but myself to look good for, but it's a start.
You're not pathetic, you're human and you're in love. And I think there are many women, and men, on this board who know exactly how you are feeling. I am still so madly in love with my jerk of an ex that even though he is sleeping with someone else, I would give anything for a hug from him. Pathetic? Maybe. But in the end, I truly think we are the lucky ones because we are free now to find that person that will appreciate the love we have in our hearts. I have to believe that person is out there. It's what gets me through. I hope there is a glimmer of hope for you as well. We deserve to be happy.
:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 9:42am
Oh, hanging in there. Little depressed, but hanging in there. I am visiting my folks in Chicago right now. Will be here for a couple days and then go back up to Mn with them. They are coming up for our State Fair and to see Isabell. The Fair is a blast!
How is going with you? SOrry I didn't reply earlier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 1:53pm
I am well, about to head out for the holiday weekend. Glad you got to spent some time with Isabell. I am sure you needed the break from the routine of life. Enjoy the fair. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 3:25pm
I've read your messages and how you've explained alot of the feelings I've had even better than I. I am 32 years old and my husband and I are separted. I made him leave our home because of constant disrespect (signs of other women) but, it's no different to me than him leaving on his own. But, the pain is unbearable and with three little ones -it's even more difficult to cope because there is no time to concentrate on myself or just "being sad," because I'm needed by them sooooo much!! It seems so unfair to me, my life.... and he gets to be single and irresponsible because of his infidelity -seems unfair to me. Now after a couple months, we have been seeing each other often (he's still not living with us) and just last week he has his own apartment!! But even so, it's the same thing but now he gets to be a dad when he decides to come around and bounce back forth whenever he wants......my fault, I know. But sometimes it feels better just for a moment when he's there. Sad isn't it?? I've been with this man since 17..... I just feel a hopeless sadness everyday and I'm trying to be strong for me kids. My oldest (boy-10) says, "Mommie, we don't need him." But, he can't understand my complete desperation for my husband's affection (not just sex either). Meanwhile, this whole situation is perfectly O.K. with My STBX. An Advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 10:52pm
Hey Mocha! How is your holiday weekend going? I know how hard it is to go on. The day to day life can be so over whelming. Make sure you are taking care of you during this time. If you don't you are no good to anyone. Do little things like baths and walks so that you have time to breathe. I know it is hard to believe, but it does get easier with time. For me it takes looking at the man my ex has become and knowing I do not want that. He is not the man I married, not the man I am in love with. I have greived for over 2 years. The first year was the hardest, but somewhere along the way I have gained strength and I know I will be OK. It took me a year and a half to realize he really wasn't coming home. I know that sounds like a long time, but it is amazing how quickly it went. Now I am focusing on me. I always thought I should put my children first. That was where I was wrong, I have to put me first. I am not the ugly, fat, stupid, wrong, and unlovable person that my ex always told me I was. It has been fun getting to know me again. I had forgotten who I was after 19 years with him. A lot of the time you are going to say to yourself "it's not fair" concerning how they get to live like the playboy of the western world. It's not. It's never going to be. No child should have to grow up in a divorce situation. They deserve a whole family. The next thing you need to do is forgive. Forgive ex, Ow and most importantly yourself. It is going to be OK.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda