Getting through the bad days
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| Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:30am |
On Tuesday I went to look at another apartment, and decided after one look that I would be miserable there. There was nothing in particular wrong with it, it was just dark and felt dingy, despite being clean and presentable. The property wasn't attractive, and the carpets were an ugly brown, and I knew I would be depressed to come home to that apartment every day. Then I found out that apartment #1, which I had really liked, was already taken. So, back to the beginning.
Getting home, feeling frustrated, I pulled into the parking lot just in time to see my stbx climbing into a shiny red car with one of the women he had cheated on me with. He sees no problem with this since he considers himself single at this point, but I was devestated. We had a yelling match when he returned that night (which I was worried he wouldn't) - it was good to get things off our chests, but it took a lot out of me, even if we were both less angry with each other by the end of it. I took the day off from work yesterday to try and recover some strength, took myself out someplace nice for the afternoon, and now I'm holding together a little bit better. But I just feel so weary, and I'm doing my best to push the sadness aside so I can get through the day. I can't let myself be crippled by this grief when I have forms to fill out and apartment searching to do....
It just crushes me whenever I think of him being with these other women (especially while I'm still living with him and we haven't even officially started the divorce mediation process). Thinking about the fact that soon, I won't be able to go to him for comforting hugs when I need a pair of warm arms around me (somehow I manage to still love him through all the anger and hurt). I'm surrounded by the love of my friends and family, but it's not always enough to chase away this pain. I feel so pathetic for letting myself get so attached to someone else that I fall apart when he can no longer be part of my life.
I'm strong, and I know I'll get through this in time, but I also feel so very weak. How do the rest of you cope with the waves of anger and sadness and depression and loneliness, and the sheer number of things that need to be done?

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My boys are 11 and 14. They are growing so fast. I have spent the summer teaching the oldest to drive and we went to freshman orientation at the high school last night. I know the next four years are going to whiz by and he'll be gone. It has been absolutely amazing to watch him mature in the last year. The physical changes alone are awe striking. Oh, I also got to teach him to shave this week. Electric shaver only. I have never shaved my face so this was quite an expirence. The younger one has taken the divorce the hardest. There are still a lot of tears. His age is hard anyway with all the hormone changes taking place. I spend every moment I can with them even when it isn't my week.
Three years old is a fun age. I know you will miss her terribly. Enjoy her now. They grow so fast. What kind of custody arrangement do you currently have? In Kansas, custody stays with the parent who stays in the school district, but since she's not in school I don't know how that would work. I will pray for you and her. No child should ever have to live without one parent or the other.
Hugs to you! Brenda
PS. I am so close to being a Pieces. Missed it by one day. I tend to express the tendancies both of Pieces and Aquarius.
Edited 8/17/2007 10:25 pm ET by mebrenda
Hugs, Brenda
Holy smokes!! Electric shaving, sounds like a good idea, until you do it. I highly suggest buying the Gillette Mach 3 razor. No joke, the best razor ever made, little to no cutting. Once he uses that compared to the electric, he will not go back. I got an electric as a gift and only hold onto to it 'cause it was a gift. I can imagine that the youngest would take it the hardest. My parents are still together, but right about that age, they were at it pretty bad. Funny how those things do not fade. Seeing that you are showing your son how to shave, does not sound like dad is in the picture much. That is too bad. A male role model I think is important. That is one of the things that tears me up the most, is not having the constant contact so that I can guide her correctly. Sure, the weekends and such, but discipline should not wait for that. Not talking about beating by any means, but the little things. We in MN have two different types of cusotody, I think like most states, physical and legal. My ex has sole physical custody and we have joint legal. So, that means that I GET to pay child support and only see her when I arrange it. I have no problem with the cash, except she make more to than me and takes trips to Cosa Rica while I try to pay the electric bill. I have in the divorce that she cannot move out of state without my permission. But MN is a large state!! So regardless, I have to be able to see her on the scheduled days. Sorry, long item, but it feels good to get out. Take care!!!
ps, why is the clef note symbolic for you? My Bday is the 22nd of Feb.
Don't ever appologize for "getting it out". I'll listen anytime. We all need someone to cus and discuss with.
Take care of yourself and don't be a stranger.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
You're not pathetic, you're human and you're in love. And I think there are many women, and men, on this board who know exactly how you are feeling. I am still so madly in love with my jerk of an ex that even though he is sleeping with someone else, I would give anything for a hug from him. Pathetic? Maybe. But in the end, I truly think we are the lucky ones because we are free now to find that person that will appreciate the love we have in our hearts. I have to believe that person is out there. It's what gets me through. I hope there is a glimmer of hope for you as well. We deserve to be happy.
:)
How is going with you? SOrry I didn't reply earlier.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
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